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As a 25-year-old male whose joints regularly pop loud enough to startle my roommate, I feel like I am the best source of advice for all things fitness related. Not to brag, but I’ve eaten veggies three times this week and I can usually get off the couch on the first try. So yeah, you could pretty much say I’m a personal trainer. I know how it feels to think you’ve lost a step and that your most athletic days are behind you. You see pictures of yourself at 20 with four more abs and one less chin and you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever look like that again. Well, I’m here to tell you – you definitely won’t. However, if you follow my precise post grad exercise plan, I can tell you that you won’t actively repulse members of the opposite sex when they see you naked. Just follow this weekly routine.
Monday
This is going to be the hardest day to get your fat ass to the gym, but it’s also the day you need it most. Yes, you’re hungover and all you want to do is go home and watch a subpar NFL game, but you know why you’re hungover? It’s because you drank 10,000 calories worth of booze this weekend and chased it down with 3 a.m. pizza every night. Suck it up and hit the gym. Don’t even look at the free weight section; walk right over to the treadmill and fire that puppy up. That’s right – 15 minutes of walking at a 10 percent elevation should start burning those calories. You don’t want to strain anything. After that, crank out one nine-minute mile, become genuinely concerned for your well-being when your heart starts hurting your chest, and gingerly walk over to the elliptical to round out a slow 40-minutes of “I guess you could call it that” cardio. Feel free to watch ESPN on the gym TV and marvel at kids five years your junior that could literally jump over you. Go home and force yourself to eat some carb-less meal that you hate.
Tuesday
Now we’re talking. You woke up on time (one snooze, you’re not a robot), and cranked out a pretty productive day at the office. Maybe you even got a “good job” from the bossman. Ride that wave right into the gym and onto the stationary bike. After 25 minutes, realize how much work biking is compared to how few calories you’re burning, and decide to hit the weight room instead. Set of curls? Crush it. Bench press? Not a problem. You’re Arnold in his prime, baby. You’ll take a small setback when you attempt to squat your college weight and feel something pop in your back. Make sure to use the rest of your gym time alternating between long stretches and Googling “slipped disc symptoms,” and “chiropractor near me.”
Wednesday
So your back is a throbbing mess and you’re walking like Quasimodo. That’s no reason to give up on your new fitness plan. Square your shoulders (as best you can with your new hunchback) and walk into your gym, breeze by the front desk, and directly to the sauna. That’s the stuff. A nice 30-minute steam will have you healed up soon. Isn’t this practically what Adrian Peterson did to come back from his ACL tear? You guys are in about the same shape. You’ll be back in no time. Use this newfound head of steam (pun intended) to jump on the elliptical and do some low-intensity cardio. Briefly contemplate doing abs before promising yourself you’ll have a salad for dinner instead. Forgot that promise within literal seconds and go home and eat an entire family-sized Stouffer’s lasagna yourself.
Thursday
Shit. You completely forgot it was your friend’s birthday dinner tonight. You know, the expensive, 12-person dinner on her actual birthday that predates the Friday “birthday night out,” and the Saturday “birthday dinner/party.” You like your friend and you want her to have a good birthday, but you’re not spending $400 and three consecutive nights on it. Knowing you’ll bail on Friday and Saturday, you have no choice but to go tonight. You promise you’ll leave right after dinner and do a late gym sesh to work off those calories, but you’ll end up going out and ingesting six vodka-sodas (#FitLife) and getting home at 1 o’clock in the morning.
Friday
You wake up with a throbbing headache and a puffy face. You hate your life and tell yourself there’s no way you’re making the gym after work. You’re not doing anything after 5 p.m. except putting on your comfiest sweatpants and passing out on your couch. Yeah right. By 4 p.m. you’ve fought your hangover to a draw, and the group chat is lighting up with plans for the night. Turns out your buddy’s old college hookup is in town with her girls and they want to party. Guess who just got the motivation for the gym they needed? Nothing will get you into an LA Fitness faster than the thought of an attractive girl being visibly disappointed by your pasty body. You Google “high-intensity workout” on the train, and by the time you get to the gym, you’re convinced you’ll have your beach bod back within an hour. There’s no time for cardio, it’s all about the glamour muscles. Biceps, triceps, chest, and shoulders. You’re going to get so laid tonight.
Saturday
You didn’t get laid. You blacked out, went home, and ate 24 frozen Taquitos. You decide to go on a run to try and get some of the calories/shame out of your body. That run turns into a jog after two blocks, and into a slow walk after another two. Panting and disgusted in yourself, you raise your head and realize you’re outside of a McDonald’s. “Fuck fitness,” you audibly mutter to yourself, causing the mother walking by you to move her kids away from you as you walk past her to get your McMuffin on.
Sunday
You think I would advocate working out on the holiest of days? Sunday is a day to rest (in the booth of your favorite bar) and reflect (on how bad your fantasy team is). You’ll start working on that six pack on Monday. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Monday: Catch up on weekend shows and sleep.
Tuesday: Prime date night
Wednesday: Half assed gym session
Thursday: Happy hour
Friday – Sunday: Blackout
Friday: Lockdown prime date from Tuesday
Its safe to say the root cause of our collective health issue is alcohol. That’s a problem worth having.
Just booked my first annual physical in three years. I’m terrified of what I’m about to find out, by which I mean confirm.
“Your results came back and I don’t know how you’re not dead.”
“Well if it helps, I feel dead inside.”
PGP
Got my first annual in like 5-6 years last month. Everything was great except my Vitamin D levels were low. Because I sit in a room with no windows for most of my day. PGP.
I get an annual physical. I’m pretty content with the results. This city is so damn fit and everyone is so damn beautiful, you’re sort of forced to get active.
Is this a “top ten city for beautifully fit millennials?”
Veronica would’ve already wrote about it.
I’m sure one of these terrible writers will let us know soon enough.
This hits all to close to home. Except for the parts about actually going to the gym.
Nick’s health related articles > Will’s health related articles. Sorry Will, this just seems a lot more realistic than the point competition.
Sup?
Better option: Take pre-workout before you hit the gym and feel like the skin is about to vibrate off of your face. Have the best workout and pump of your life, and spend the rest of your meager existence chasing that fleeting high. Do this 4 times a week and cut back on pasta and you will look significantly better than 90% of your peers even if you don’t get abs.
Hard pass
Or just take 3x the suggested amount and shit 6 times in an hour. Unbelievable ab workout.
This was aggressive for a Tuesday, I’m now motivated to black out on a worknight.
Honestly if you’re working in a business environment, don’t waste time on leg day. Shit won’t fit right anymore.
Haven’t been to the gym since starting grad school this summer….this article helped reaffirm that i’ve become a fat sack. i dread going back because the first two weeks back at the routine are garbage and question the belief in that do people really need to live past 35? But i’d like to hit up the Grandex Cruise and only look mildly like a sack of shit in 2017.
too poor to afford a gym PGP
I thought gym memberships were supposed to look like we actually take care of ourselves, not actually go to them