A Crash Course In Charcuterie Just In Time For The Holidays

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The holiday season is upon us, bringing about the resurgence of family gatherings, dinner parties, and celebrations with your hometown friends. Long gone are the days of bringing a 30-rack or a pizza to an event and calling it a night, now we have to maintain some semblance of togetherness. One of the easiest ways to appear as if you have your shit together is to snow everyone with a fabulous cheese tray. Auntie Margret can’t ask you if you’re ever gonna settle down and get married with a mouthful of buttery brie, after all.

Charcuterie boards are the unofficial party mascot of Grown Up Gatherings. They can be assembled in a number of ways to pair with an array of wines, beers, and other spirits. Putting together a bomb charcuterie board isn’t hard per se, but it can be overwhelming with so many options out there. So, I thought I’d show you four simple meat and cheese trays that will provide a template for building your own.

I’m no chef or sommelier. My only qualifications here are four and a half years spent in wine country where charcuterie boards are a staple food group, and a passion for cheese that runs so deep, my arteries are almost certainly in some kind of danger.

First and foremost, I do almost all my charcuterie shopping at Trader Joe’s and because of this, pretty much everything on this list can be found there. No, they did not pay me to write this — I’m including this detail because TJs is by far the most inexpensive way to get quality meats and cheeses, and the rotating selection leaves plenty of room to explore new flavors. If you don’t have a Trader Joe’s near you, Whole Foods is a great (albeit slightly more expensive) alternative. If you have neither, any grocery store should have a version of everything discussed below.

In my opinion, the main principals of building a bomb platter are variance in flavor, mouthfeel, and color. The first two have to do with how your platter tastes, and the last is simply for aesthetic pleasure. Food that looks great tastes better, it’s science. In a recent episode of The Sunday Scaries Podcast, host Will DeFries talked about the fundamentals of a great cheese tray and he highlighted the importance of having one cheese on your platter that everyone is familiar with. Taking that into account, these four cheese trays are tried and tested, and will hopefully provide some inspiration for your own charcuterie endeavors.

Light and Sweet

This is the cheese tray I go to when I’m pressed for time or know I’ll be around fussy eaters. You’ll notice that this is the only cheese tray that includes two soft cheeses; normally I’d try to avoid doing this, but it works well in this context. If you want to include a harder cheese for balance, you can alternate the goat cheese for this Syrah Soaked Toscano. An added bonus is that due to this platter being a great mate for bubbly, it’s ideal for brunch charcuterie. The fact that carbs take the back burner in this set-up also means you can serve it to your gluten-free/keto friends and they’ll finally shut the hell up about not being able to eat the food you prepare. If your friends are Whole30 people, they can eat the fruit and salami on their high horse while you pour yourself a generous glass of champagne.

The Crowd Pleaser: Brie (I often make this tray with a camembert, but a brie will work just as well)
“Adventurous” Cheese: Chèvre, a soft goat cheese (Plain or one with vanilla and blueberries)
Meat: Salami
Carb: A crisp, wafer-thin cracker.
Garnish: Fresh berries, fig jam.

Suggested alcohol pairing: Champagne or Brut Rose

Rich and flavorful

This one is my default for evening or nighttime events and he colder months, because the fuller flavors can stand up to a tannic red wine. I prefer to make this with Manchego instead of Gouda because I think it perfectly complements a Cab Sauv, but if I want to play it extra safe, I’ll swap it out for the ever-popular Gouda. A major perk of this platter is the inclusion of basic flavors with fancy sounding names — meaning you and your friends can feel sophisticated without delving into the funkiness of a bleu cheese.

Crowd Pleaser: Gouda (Or Manchego)
“Adventurous” Cheese: Petit Basque
Meat: Prosciutto and Soppressata
Carb: Water cracker, rosemary crackers
Garnish: Cornichons

Suggested alcohol pairing: Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Noir

Bold and Full Bodied

This cheese tray is designed with beer in mind, because charcuterie isn’t just for wine! I love this one for casual occasions, winter, and my beer-enthusiast friends. Mouthfeel plays a bigger role here than in any of the other platters with elements like dry salami and cubed bread. Basically, if you’re going to an event where you know a majority of the men will be sporting flannels and handlebar mustaches, and the women look like they dabble in Wicca, this is your winning platter.

Crowd Pleaser: Sharp Cheddar
“Adventurous” Cheese: Cracked pepper goat cheese or Truffle Tremor, if you can find it.
Meat: Italian Dry Salami
Carb: Crusty baguette, cut into cubes
Garnish: Seeded mustard, onion jelly

Suggested alcohol pairing: A full bodied beer, like a porter or a Belgian dark

Sweet and Aromatic

Probably the most aesthetically pleasing of all the platters due to the inclusion of fruit and the Humboldt Fog (if you thought cheeses couldn’t be beautiful, think again). I usually break this one out for sunsets and showers (baby and wedding, please don’t bring cheese or white wine into the shower, the humidity will yield disastrous effects). The colors and flavors on this platter make it perfect for your Instagram addicted friend Becky, who’s sure to add a picture of it to her story captioned “omg yaaaaasss” in the “Neon” font.

Crowd Pleaser: Triple cream brie
“Adventurous” Cheese: Humboldt Fog
Meat: Prosciutto
Carb: French Baguette, sliced into half inch slices
Garnish: Thin sliced apples, pears, dried fruit like cranberries, and almonds.

Suggested Alcohol Pairing: Rose or Sauv Blanc. White Burgundy if you’re getting real fancy.

Basically, a solid cheese tray involves 1-2 cheeses, 1-2 meats, a garnish to add some variance, and a carb. If you use that formula, you’re sure to build something that impresses.

Have your own charcuterie favorites? Drop them in the comments below so we can all discover some new cheeses. .

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Serena from LA

Drier than a Napa Valley Sauv Blanc in the Mojave Desert. Best taken with a grain of salt.

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• @serena_therese