A Completely Honest Profile


What is your relationship status?
The kind where I am genuinely giving a shot, so single. Very, very single.

How tall are you?
5 foot 5, although I’m really more concerned about how tall he is. There’s a height requirement for this ride.

Which best describes your body type?
Anywhere from “slender” to “about average.” Let’s just be honest here–if I were still “athletic and toned” I probably wouldn’t need

Which ethnicities best describe you?
Mainly white, but my great-great-great-grandmother was Cherokee. Let’s go ahead and add Native American, just to make sure I cover all my bases.

What is your faith?
Christian/Catholic. Technically, I’m not even Catholic. I’m Methodist. But my mom and sister converted to Catholicism and that’s close enough, right? I’m what I like to call “Cathodist,” but both the Methodists and the Catholics frown upon that. I’m going straight to hell anyway, so what does it matter?

What’s your level of education?
A bachelor’s degree, but to be honest, I don’t really remember getting it.

What languages do you speak?
English and whatever Spanish and Chinese my much younger little sister picked up from “Dora the Explorer” and “Ni Hao Kai-lan.” So, English.

How often do you exercise?

Do you smoke?
In reality, my answer is no. But then you made “cigar aficionado” an option, and that sounds way cooler.

How often do you drink?
I don’t see “raging alcoholic” as an answer, so I’ll just say “often.”

Do you have any kids?
That would 100 percent involve having sex, so no.

Do you want children?
And by “children,” you mean…?

What is your current annual income?
What is your current annual income?

What do you do for a living?
I drink. Oh, you mean for money? Not what I want to be doing at all, so all I do is drink.

What kinds of sports and exercise do you enjoy?
Sex, when I’m having it. Is that an option?

What common interests would you like to share with other members?
Alcoholism. Great sex. Money. The desire to have his-and-her Range Rovers and spend a vast majority of our marriage watching sporting events while drinking beer.

How tall should he be?
At least 6 foot. He needs to be tall enough so I can still wear heels. I have too many shoes to give up for love.

Are you looking for a certain body type?
I’m mainly okay with anything that looks like I can’t break it.

Are you looking for certain ethnicities?
Whichever ones will give me beautiful children.

What’s his faith?
Cathodist, duh.

Are you picky about his education?
I prefer at least a bachelor’s. It says, “I went to college, too, so I can’t judge you.”

Do you want your date to smoke?
Is he a “cigar aficionado” as well?

Do you want your date to drink?
I mean, he’d be pretty bored and judgey if he didn’t.

Does your match have any children?
I’m not responsible enough to be a stepmother. I can barely take care of myself.

Should he want kids?
Like, one day. But I have no plans to bring a child into a world where people still worship Justin Bieber.

What marital status do you prefer?
The kind where he’s not currently married.

How much money should he make?
Enough to help me fulfill my dream of being a stay-at-home wife, preferably.

Type your profile headline here:
Beyoncé is my spirit animal.

Describe yourself and your ideal match:
I’m mainly looking for someone to shoot the shit with for the rest of my life. If you could also be the type who never brings up the fact our relationship blossomed on, that would be cool, too.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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