A Brutally Honest “To Do” List I Can Actually Complete

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Every week, I strive to make a “to do” list. If Pinterest and my collection of half-read self help books have taught me anything, it’s that writing things down makes goals more tangible. From the post-its on my desk, to a variety of apps and systems to track what I’m doing, I often plan projects out to feel more organized.

With that said, I find the process of making these lists is terribly counter-productive. If anything, creating such a list is just a way I can distract myself from all the things I need to do by making a neat little list of all the things I need to do. I can’t help but wonder whether or not my lists actually help me “do,” or if they’re just another form of procrastinating.

Listen. I don’t sit around all day doing nothing. It’s just that most things I get done during the day are nowhere to be found on my list. That’s why I’ve decided to make an incredibly honesty to do list so that by the end of the day I should feel greatly productive. After all, who doesn’t like a nice list with their tasks appropriately crossed off?

1. Carefully Peel Nail Polish Off Fingernails.
Let’s begin. I will start my list here so that I can cross at least one thing off today that will certainly get done. It’s not a normal nail polish, it’s a shellac polish so this will take up a good chunk of my day. No need to assign a time frame to this activity since it’s something that can be multi-tasked among other things.

2. Spend Too Much Money On Starbucks.
A mid-day Starbucks run is always necessary. After all, it’s not procrastinating if you’re drinking some form of caffeine. It’s “procafinating”. You’re welcome. This Starbucks run should take somewhere between fifteen and twenty minutes (maybe longer if you get stuck in a conversation about their straws).

3. Hate-Stalk The Same Five People On Social Media.
After coffee I usually get hyper, so let’s target this energy in a not-so-productive outlet. Within this task, I will need to judge at least two of these five people for various things: including, but not limited to, unoriginality and/or tweet plagiarism. This should take about ten minutes (roughly two minutes per individual).

4. Go On A Twitter Rant
I’ve already set out to be an antagonist today, so let’s complain about something. ANYTHING. Let’s make it juicy and use a lot of fancy buzzwords to remind people I’m well-informed and smarter than everyone (even though, honestly, I just heard two sentences about some subject on a mediocre podcast). Time frame for this activity varies per subject.

5. Apply A Face Mask & Leave It On For Too Long.
I take it all back. This is too much negativity to deal with in the morning. I need to relax and detox. The assigned time for this face mask is fifteen minutes. I’ll leave it on for thirty because I imagine it’ll help get the chakras aligned. Proceed to break out the following day.

6. Delete Aforementioned Twitter Rant.
The face mask made me a better person. I’ll spend one minute of deleting the tweets followed by three hours of wondering who read & judged me for them.

7. Compulsively Check Cell Phone for New Texts
Within this list, there are a few all-day activities, one of which is checking my phone even though the same five people are the only ones who text me.

8. Download Bumble. Again.
I’m already holding my phone, so let’s hit the app store. I re-download a dating app and tell myself that “this time I wont delete it”. Dedicate a solid five minutes to creating a profile.

9. Delete Bumble. Again.
I’ll swipe a few times, and read a Bumble bio that says “if we vibe, we vibe” and immediately delete the app. This should only take three minutes.

10. Download A Different App.
I’ll re-open app store and see Pokemon GO is trending. Do people still play that? Why is it trending? Download Pokemon GO even though you’re a nearly-30-and-fairly-normal woman and never even played that card game as a kid anyway. I’ll also schedule in a not-so-shocking realization as to why I’m single. Dedicate fifteen minutes here.

11. Get wine.
It’s time to bring in the big guns. This is the ONE errand on this list! I can do it! Dependent upon traffic, this should take about twenty minutes.

12. Drink wine.
This is where I’ll plan to let my thoughts take me away. What are Pokemon anyway? Are they like Tomagotchis? Or Neopets? Do kids even know what those are nowadays? Thinking about cyber-pets leads me to think about simulation theory and if we’re all in base reality or not. If Elon Musk believes it, it’s gotta be kind of legitimate… maybe? Forty-five minutes.

13. Google deep-dive about Elon Musk
Speaking of simulation theory… Did Elon Musk get a hair transplant? Good for him. You do you, Elon. I’m also surprised that “Elon Musk” doesn’t have his own line of cologne with that name. Fifteen minutes.

14. Watch Netflix happily.
This is it. The grand finale of the day where I can relax and unwind with some Friends or another breezy sitcom. Mid-episode I’ll remember work, bills, and other responsibilities that I didn’t take care of today.

15. Watch Netflix stressfully..

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KatieCallaway

Katie is 27 and is from Nashville, TN but lives in Los Angeles, CA as an actress, comedian, writer, and marketing manager. Although some might disagree, she likely peaked when she had dinner with Randy Jackson and he called her “dude” a lot. You can see her active on the Twitterverse at @KECallaway or you can also follow her new Insta at @KatieCallaway even though she hates Instagram.

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