A Breakdown Of The Top Wedding Trends By Someone Who’s Never Getting Married

Wedding released it’s list of Top Wedding Trends Of 2017 today, and I’ve never been more disappointed in humanity.

All weddings need to be fun is an open bar, a good jam band, and decent food. No one cares about gimmicks, champagne toasts, goody bags, or anything else. Booze, music, and food. That’s the key to a good time. Here’s what a 25-year-old male with no wedding in the foreseeable future thinks of these trends.

Reduced Carbon Footprint Fetes
Hosting an incredible wedding while also reducing the carbon footprint is on trend in 2017. For food and flowers, opt for in season and locally sourced. Earth-friendly invitations can be made by printing with soy-based inks on recycled paper.

This sounds like an easy way to make your caterers hate you. If you want to pay out the ass for mediocre food with some “locally sourced” caterer spit in it, then definitely ask for this. And as for the invitations, how about you just combine the “save the date” with the “invitation?” People don’t need nine months to plan on going to a country club, just figure out the details first and send out one set of invites. Or hell, maybe just go with a Facebook invite and save people the hassle of cluttering up their fridge with a corny picture of the two of you.

Ask for What You Really Want
From cash to camping gear and even museum memberships, couples can ask for just about anything today—including supporting a cause close to heart.

100% agree. I’ve stated in the past how dumb I think most wedding gifts are, and when it comes time for my wedding, you know ya boy is getting registered at Best Buy, Nike, and probably a liquor store. Oh, and whatever my bride wants, I guess. I’m not a good enough person to want to use my gifts to help the less fortunate, but if that’s your thing, more power to you.

The Ultimate Guest Gifting Lounge
This fun twist on the hotel welcome bag is ideal for destination weddings. Instead of stuffing and delivering them yourself, let your guests do the work. Set up a room full of swag like snacks, drinks and local sweet treats and let guests choose their favorite items.

I don’t know what kind of classy guests you’re planning on having, but my friends would turn this into a free-for-all brawl. Congrats on having polite guests who probably followed the “only take one” sign on the bowl of candy for Halloween, but they sound boring as fuck.

Icebreaker Guest Games
Weddings today are an all weekend affair, so it’s essential your guests meet and get to know each other. What better way to get your guests mixing and mingling than with the ultimate grown-up icebreaker: games. Personalized Mad Libs about your first encounter and crossword puzzles that keep guests guessing your favorite date spot are great ways to break the ice.

Fucking icebreakers? If you polled 100 people on their least favorite part of college, All of them would say the dumb icebreaker games your RAs made you do. It’s impossible to appear cool when you’re telling “two truths and a lie” or being force to play some nonsensical game. The only icebreaker necessary is the open bar. If your guests don’t know how to get drunk and mingle, you need cooler friends.

Exceptional Entertainment
When it comes to entertainment, couples are pulling out all the stops to entertain their guests. Aerialists, acrobats, live painters and even choirs belting out Beyoncé have made their way into weddings. Have a noise ordinance at your outdoor locale? Host a “silent disco” where guests wear headphones and dance to their own beat.

Repeat after me: Jam. Band. Nobody goes to a wedding wanting to watch a fucking three-ring circus. They just want to get down with “Shout,” scream-sing “Sweet Caroline,” and maybe hear some Bruno Mars. Silent discos look like an evil experiment a sadist thought up to see if people can actually die from awkwardness. Fuck that.

One With Nature
If you can’t celebrate under the stars, bring the outside in. Add oversize potted trees and shrubbery to a ballroom for an enchanted forest look. Natural elements like wood and stone can be incorporated into your table settings, and hanging flowers over tables or the dance floor creates an instant wow factor.

You know what’s awesome about living in 2017? I don’t need to have any contact with nature. We created buildings so we wouldn’t have to see nature, and we created central heat and AC so we wouldn’t have to feel it. You’re not Jane Goodall and Steve Irwin (RIP), just have your reception in an auditorium like god intended. Maybe add some “rainforest” scented Glade plug-ins if you must.

Image Mapping Technology
Try a new projection technology called image mapping that allows you to transform a space with lighting and moving pictures. Give your ceremony and reception its own special vibe by changing scenes from one to the next.

Unless you’re serving Molly water with dinner instead of champagne, don’t turn your wedding into a warehouse rave. If you are serving Molly water, by all means put on a laser lightshow, and DM me so I can tell you where to send the invite.

Metallic Dresses & Breezy Silhouettes
Metallic dresses—think tasteful gold threading and silver beading—flooded the runways during Bridal Fashion Week. Wearing a metallic dress may seem like a bold move, but it’s perfect for a sophisticated, evening affair.

I’m a guy, so I’m just going to stick to wearing a tux like I do every wedding. If my future bride tells me that the current fashion is to wear just fig leaves, Adam and Eve style, I’ll happily accept that as truth. I may be dumb, but I’m not dumb enough to argue wedding fashion with the bride.

Formal Portrait Studios
There’s a new twist on the traditional photo booth: portrait studios. Just like the traditional photo booth, there’s a designated space and sometimes props, but instead of posing with feather boas and silly sunglasses, a live photographer asks you to vogue for the camera. The result is a glamorous, intimate portrait in your finest attire.

The only way I’m about this is if it’s one of those old-timey portraits. I want to get dressed in a bunch of leather and take a sepia picture of my crew. Better yet, get one of those 3D printing scanners and give guests a tiny doll of themselves to take home. That’s gonna be on the 2018 list of wedding trends; you heard it here first.

Translucent Cakes
The new take on the naked cake is the translucent cake. Instead of totally bare tiers, translucent cakes have a thin veil of frosting with just a bit of the cake showing.

I don’t understand what this is, but it sounds expensive. Literally no one cares what the cake looks like. Think back on every wedding you’ve ever been to, do you have any idea of what the cake looked like? Exactly. The cake is just an unwelcome break from dancing where everyone has to act like it’s normal to watch their friends feed each other.

Furry Friends
The hottest wedding guests of 2017 have four legs and supersoft coats. From bunnies and donkeys to llamas and pigs, couples having rustic barn weddings are incorporating farm animals into the wedding day.

On paper, this sounds awesome. “Puppies are always a good addition,” you think. But in reality, this turns into the entire bridal party drunkenly playing with the puppies while the guys get shitfaced at the bar. Let’s face it, guys aren’t going to hit the dance floor unless there are girls out there, girls aren’t going to dance if there are puppies around, and if no ones dancing, your wedding sucks.

A Movable Feast
With food trucks and passed multicourse meals, the sit-down dinner is starting to be replaced with more interactive options.

Your guests are there to get drunk and have a good time. They don’t want to be expending energy trying to eat, because they’ll probably just decide to drink instead. Also, food trucks are just disease-ridden chemical warfare on wheels, and have no business serving food anywhere, least of all a wedding.

Image via Shutterstock

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice:

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