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I can’t believe I’m saying this but on paper, Micah comes off as one of the most responsible people at the company. He speaks well, really enunciates everything. He graduated with a Journalism degree from Missouri (and will be the first to tell you how impressive of a journalism school they are). He’s even moving into a quite nice apartment complex in a popular area of town with his girlfriend who, if I might say, makes him come off as even more responsible than he really is. He even recently acquired a verified Twitter account so now celebrities, Bachelor contestants, and hyper-local politicians alike will get noties whenever he harasses them.
But underneath the man who wears Jordans with a golf shirt or Hawaiian every day is a man who doesn’t respect his personal space. His car? Needs a detailing. His pool house? You’d think his rebellious teenage son lived there. And his desk? Well, see for yourself.
Needless to say, it warranted a complete breakdown.
The Finger-Smudged Monitor
Quite possibly the most disgusting part of a disgusting desk. When someone’s monitor is riddled with that many smudge marks, it makes you question how they even got there. Micah is rarely at his desk, so to surmise that he’s pointing things out on his monitor would be irresponsible. But in that same breath of him never being at his actual desk, you’d have to imagine there aren’t just rogue interns running around smudging it either.
Taking a bottle of Windex to your desk once a week should be standard protocol in any open office setting. The fact that he lets it sit dormant like this is vile.
The Post-It Notes On The Finger-Smudged Monitor
If you can’t read them, they individually read “DIFFERENT,” “BETTER,” AND “SPECIAL.” I’m not sure what he’s referring to with these vague adjectives, but I’d have to imagine it has to do with the podcast realm. Last I checked, he started a Jersey Shore podcast on Grandex Labs which I’m not sure qualifies for any of those words.
Most importantly, these words aren’t difficult to remember or ingrain in your memory. A phone number? Sure. Doctor’s appointment? Toss that bitch in a Google Calendar and call it good. These aren’t things that need to be tattooed into his memory.
The Fraternity Paddle
We get it, dude, you were in a frat. He was *allegedly* the president of his fraternity at Mizzou, but the wild part of this paddle is that it’s a KA paddle from The University of Texas. I haven’t checked his liberal retweets lately but something tells me he probably takes big issue with the university as a whole.
Micah once told us that he has a “standing tee time” at Lions Municipal Golf Course which Texas desperately wants to build a condo or some shit on. Maybe he pulled off some sort of heist to steal this from a frat house in rebellion. Or maybe it’s some relic that’s near and dear to his heart. Either way, he should probably move it before potential advertisers come in here and think we’re a bunch of idiots who refuse to grow up. We like to keep that fact to ourselves.
The Sonicare Electric Tooth Brush
Gross.
You can go on and on about brushing your teeth in the office. I, for one, think it’s disgusting. Where the hell do you spit? The kitchen sink is out of the question. Dave will tell you all about that. Brushing your teeth in a public restroom is even more out of the question. You might as well blow your nose with toilet paper that’s stuck to a toilet because you clearly do not give a damn about germs.
If anything, I think this is to put out a “yeah, cleanliness is important to me” vibe. Unfortunately, keeping a toothbrush in an environment as dirty as a communal office space is the furthest thing from cleanliness. I mean, fuck, the closest thing to it is a frat paddle from the goddamn ’70s.
A Random Drill
Okay, it’s not that random. He used it in an attempt to put together something for our podcast studio the other day. I say “attempt” because it took all of five minutes of him slapping around boards before I had to intervene and help.
See here.
Out of all the places in the office. pic.twitter.com/LLLmyEvuCW
— Touching Base (@TouchingBasePGP) April 11, 2018
I don’t want to put myself down too much but, in this case, I have to. If I am the one helping you construct something, things have gone completely off the rails. If we did an in-office draft of People You Want To Help You Do Manly Shit, I would rank somewhere between J-Bone and Ross. No offense.
Yerba Mate
I almost started writing about this before I thought to myself, “Will, go pick up the Yerba Mate and see if there’s anything still in there.” And yup, sure enough, there’s about a good inch of liquid hovering at the bottom. I don’t want to even surmise how long that has been there for because it has 100% been there for at least a week.
If you don’t know, Yerba Mate “a beverage made from the leaves and stems of a powerful rainforest tree, native to the subtropical rainforests of Paraguay, Brazil and Argentina.” It’s like natural coffee or something. I don’t know, ever since Micah started training for a fight at Onnit, he’s pretty much grasping at every straw he can to become optimized. Just drink some coffee with MCT Oil like the rest of us.
The “Had To Do It To ‘Em” Shirt
This shirt was a gift from Madison. Madison is kind enough to order us free shirts from Grandex Shop so we can stunt in them. Micah kindly has this in a ball on his desk which says to the Founder and CEO of the company, “Thanks but no thanks.” I can’t tell, but it just might be sitting on top of another Grandex Shirt as well. Probably a Lunch Beers shirt all next to an “I’d Rather Be Drinking Lunch Beers” mug.
Nothing says you value your job quite like balling up gifts from the dude that signs your checks. The disrespect.
The Yeti Lowball Rambler
Probably half-full with a weak cocktail. And somehow, that’s the most respectable thing about this entire situation.
Just send everyone their damn mousepads already. We know you’re just hoarding them. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Single monitor?!? Micah you a broke boi
He apparently thinks its a touch screen as well.
i was gonna upvote this comment, but you deserve the 69 likes you got
I will be replying to this soon.
Should we expect a defense of your desk, or an attack on Will’s? I’d really enjoy both tbh.
The best defense is a good offense Rico! Go get em Mic.
I love to see an analysis of Wills desk
I hope you do, M Cat. I was all aboard the Micah train but some of this stuff really needs an explanation. I can only hope Will set this up as a way to pull some people to Team Willy
Mizzou is trash.
“Different, better, special” is what his mom used to write on his napkin in his lunchbox
If your mom wasn’t telling you that you were special…did you even have a mom?
The good days. Now I just get random notes like “stop eating like a pig” from Mrs. 19th
The PGP mousepad that he never sends to anyone lol
I’m still waiting for mine
Aaaaand now I need an official in-office draft of People You Want To Help You Do Manly Shit
1. Dave
2. Dillion
3. Ross
4. Barrett
5. CallMeVictoria
22. Will
I feel like Madison might be a dark horse here, definite top 3 potential.
Madison is the dark horse for his dad-wisdom. Will could move up this list if the manly things we’re doing are going to Whole Foods and wearing sweaters.
I feel like Dan would be decently high on the list
Touch Madness pt. 2: Manly Shit Edition
I enjoyed this article way more than I should have.
But who is the hardo on the other side with the protein powder on their desk?
Easy money would be on Dan.
Please don’t use Windex on your monitors, people. Get some electronics wipes or a screen cleaner set.
Can we get a breakdown of every desk sitch in content alley? Would be electric stuff.
Clean your screen, Micah