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The Bill Cosby sexual assault allegations, which make him out to be a cunning predator, have come as a shock to most Americans who knew him best as Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable on “The Cosby Show.” (Reruns have since been pulled from TV Land.) If you revisit many of those episodes, you’ll see how Heathcliff frequently entertains himself by mentally torturing his family and others for sport, as well as for his own sick amusement, under the guise of “teaching them a lesson.”
The Cosby Show, 1984 (season one, episode five: “A Shirt Story”)
Theo has this hot date with some babe named Christine, so he hits the mall for a new shirt with his mother, Claire. Theo picks out some yellow joint by designer Gordon Gartrelle, and Claire pays for it with her credit card. When they get home, Theo’s extremely excited about the shirt because Christine’s “gonna die” when she sees it. In the ’80s, “gonna die” was code for “wanting to get your fuck on.”
Intrigued by the prospect of a simple shirt making panties drop without the use of illicit drugs, Cliff opens the box and looks at the receipt. Then he goes bonkers: “95 dollars?! Even I don’t have a 95 dollar shirt!” This is horseshit, because all those Coogi sweaters that Cos wears were, like, two hundo back then. Later in the show, Theo wears a layered Ralph Lauren polo combination that easily adds up to $95. Also, not to mention, but there’s all the other high-end couture the rest of the kids constantly wear. This is clearly not a money issue. Not at all. What it comes down to is a power move where Cliff can’t stand anyone else flossin’ harder for cooze than he does. Real alpha male type shit. He tells Theo that the shirt is going the fuck back to the mall and he can have, like, $30 to get a less pussy gettin’ shirt. It’s basically a mental bitch slap, because Cliff ain’t got love for hoes like bitchass Theo.
Theo feels mad disrespected until he whines in his crackly-ass voice to Denise, who says that she can make the same shirt for, like, $20 or some bullshit price.
Cliff knows Theo is one dumb motherfucker and will go for it because he’s dyslexic, and he forks over the cash to that idiot Denise. Now, remember Denise is the dumbest motherfucker in the whole clan, so she makes him a short bus version of the original shirt that Theo wanted. It’s a disaster. Cliff loves that shit, because Theo doesn’t have a shirt, doesn’t have any money, and thus, he won’t get his fuck on with Christine. And if Cliff doesn’t get the pussy, NOBODY gets the pussy unless he says so. Plus, now Denise has some cash so Cliff doesn’t have to give her any bank for a while, either. Cliff is a fucking dirty dog and just loves to do dirt for doing dirt’s sake. Hell, Cliff’s got a healthy bank and $95 isn’t even a big deal. Dr. Huxtable wipes his ass with dollar bills…which he makes from staring at vulnerable women’s vaginas all day as an obstetrician. Think that’s a coincidence? Fuck no.
When Theo finally shows Cliff the shirt Denise made, Cliff busts a fucking gut. Motherfucker is CLOWNIN’ Theo’s ass, telling him “it’s a good looking shirt” with tears of sick pleasure coming out of his eyes. Finally, Cliff knows he pushed Theo’s shit in far enough and tells him he can have the fucking Gordon Gartrelle that he kept the whole time. Theo’s voice gets all crackly again and he’s, like, “Thanks, Dad!”
When he runs into the living room to go get the shirt back, Christine and some other babe have already arrived. They’re stupid, too, so they assume that Theo’s serious and actually think his short bus shirt is fly as hell. Christine for sure puts out and Theo probably knocks out that trim in the mall bathroom or something without a condom, because he obviously makes poor decisions.
The only lesson we learn is that Cliff will spend an entire day cockblocking your ass, crushing your soul, and fucking up your money, just to get his laugh on. Cliff is one ruthless villain and even his mentally challenged only son isn’t exempt from a brutal, day-long, mind fuck..
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Mike Burns
Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."
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The fuck did I just read?
Oh, how I wish you wrote the descriptions for the DirecTV on-screen guide.
Hahahaaa this was fucking hilarious
This was beautiful.
What if instead of rape, Mr. Cosby was accused of witchcraft?