21 Things That Were Awesome In College And Are Just Sad Now

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I’m one of the most experienced guys in the world at embarrassing myself in public, and based on the amount of times I’ve screwed up and done the following things since graduation, I can tell you what is and what is not socially acceptable after graduating from college.

1. Getting drunk enough to puke. In college, you could get away with this and some people even thought it was funny. Do this at happy hour with your coworkers and all of the sudden, you have a drinking problem.
2. Drawing a dick on someone with a Sharpie when he or she falls asleep. This was hilarious freshman year. After college, it’s a total dick move.
3. Partying on your roof. In college, we called this Tuesday night. Now, it just seems dangerous and I’m positive my neighbors would call the police.
4. Showing up to a party with a case of Natty Light. Showing up to a party as a postgrad with a case of Natty Light is oh so sad. Odds are, your married friends probably don’t have a beer fridge anymore, and it’ll be tough to squeeze that many beers behind baby food.
5. Streaking. I’m not sure why I thought this was so funny in college, but everybody else seemed to laugh, so I did it a lot. I can’t think of a single scenario today where this would get a positive response.
6. Posting drunk status updates on Facebook. In college, Facebook was Mom and Grandma-free, and it was glorious. You could get hammered and post whatever the fuck you wanted. Now, if you use the word “fuck” on Facebook, you’re probably not getting invited to Christmas.
7. Listening to Tupac with the windows down. It’s okay to still listen to ‘Pac, but it needs to be at a very reasonable volume with the windows up.
8. Making cocktails for your friends with booze from a plastic bottle. Not only does this look pitiful when you’re out of college and on your own, it makes you feel like complete shit. If I drank a few Skol vodka-tonics today, I’d be out of commission for at least 72 hours.
9. Putting $4.82 worth of gas in your car. I used to ask people to help me search my car for change to use on gas. I would love to see the look on someone’s face if I tried that now.
10. Passing out at a friend’s house on a weeknight. This used to be a way of life when you didn’t know whether it was Saturday or Tuesday. If you pass out on a friend’s couch on a weeknight now, you might as well grab the rest of your Natty Light out of the fridge since you’ll never get to come back.
11. Having a beer with breakfast. If you’re anything like I am, you did this a lot in college. I actually had a beer holder in my shower. The last thing you need now is an afternoon hangover.
12. Buying a round of Jager bombs. In college, this could make you the most popular guy in the bar. Now, it’s hard to know who drinks, who has to work early, or even who’s pregnant. Even the friends who want one are afraid to speak up.
13. Shotgunning beers. Awesome in college, sad postgrad.
14. Shrooming. This just doesn’t have the same ring to it anymore. Whip out a bag of shrooms at a party in college and everyone wants in. Whip out a bag of shrooms now and never get invited back.
15. Drinking until you lose your balance. In college, this was the only way to drink. If you did this today, your friends would probably give each other the “I’m worried about his drinking” look.
16. Drinking boxed wine out of a red Solo cup. Okay, you can still do this, but only if you’re alone on Friday night watching “Shark Tank.”
17. Spending a night in the drunk tank for urinating in public. In college, I had a buddy who got locked up two nights in a row for this and it was legendary. If you get arrested for pissing in a public place now, odds are, you would rather do time than call someone to come get you.
18. Hanging a poster in the living room without a frame. The “Animal House” poster you hung in your house in college with four different colors of thumb tacks doesn’t look as good now that it hangs behind your brand new Rooms to Go furniture.
19. Eating ramen. As good as this sounds, it’s pretty hard to convince someone you’re doing well after graduation if you’re throwing down a 29-cent styrofoam cup of steaming, chicken-flavored noodles.
20. Assuming everybody else still smokes weed. You can still get high, but you’ll look like a complete douche if you try to offer a new mom “greens.” Also, it turns out that some companies actually fire their employees if they test positive on a random drug test.
21. Working at the mall. It’s borderline embarrassing to work at the mall in high school, and it’s even more embarrassing in college. If you’re the only one at Hot Dog on a Stick who doesn’t need time off for finals, you should really reevaluate what you’re doing with your degree.

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Cody Sutton

Cody Mack Sutton is a born and raised Texan that only took five and a half years to proudly graduate from Texas A&M University. If he had a resume, it would probably be long and distinguished. Often referred to by his family as a "Renaissance Man,” Cody is currently holding out for a Senior level management position with a corner office.

• @codymacksutton