The 5 Douches You’ll See At Your Alma Mater On Game Day

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I love going to my college town on any given day, but I especially love it on game day. It’s glorious to watch tens of thousands of people who are all sporting your school’s paraphernalia descend upon campus in one big sea of party. However, of all those tens of thousands of people, most of whom I’m sure are great, here are the ones we could all do without.

The Opposing Team Dick

The trek to another school’s stomping grounds is a mini-vacay everyone should take at least once a year, should the opportunity present itself. However, there are a few behavioral modifications one should observe. You’re on someone else’s turf, and there are more of them than there are of you. It always amazes me when the one lone dickhead starts spouting trash talk like the whole bar couldn’t turn and beat his ass at any given moment. This guy is usually asked, not so kindly, to leave…for his safety. Besides one disagreement concerning whose fault it was that I spilled my delicious sangria marg on a seemingly abandoned sweatshirt once in College Station, I’ve had pretty good experiences at opposing schools–but I’m also not a dickhead.

The Obnoxiously Shitfaced Guy

This guy* may also get into a fight, but it’s usually because eventually, someone gets tired of him falling all over people. I like to get inappropriately drunk in public just as much as the next guy, but if your friends are having to hold you up, put you on a leash to keep you from ending up on a milk carton, or muzzle you to prevent someone less tolerant of your behavior from bestowing bodily injury upon you, it’s likely time you compose yourself. Game day is a free-for-all, and your friends are all out looking to catch a ride on the booze train just as much as you are. Don’t make them take care of you. They’re likely barely capable of taking care of themselves.

*This person could just as easily be a girl, and whiny, drunk, girl voices make the “obnoxiously shitfaced guy” all the more worse.

The Bar Try-Hard

Last Saturday, post-game, I’m sitting at the bar enjoying my victory vodka, and some guy comes up and orders 50 Vegas bombs. Hey, great. We won, and this dude has some cash he wants to spend on his friends. Cool. Then, this dude orders 100 more Vegas bombs. The bartenders are reluctant, and they tell him they can only do 25 at a time. That’s reasonable, considering there are 50 other people behind him in line, impatiently waiting to get drunker than they were before the game started. Well, 25 isn’t flashy enough for this try-hard, as only 100 will do, which he loudly proceeds to justify to the bartender. Some people may disagree that this was douchey, and as someone who left this guy with only 149 bombs, maybe I should agree. However, when there are only three bartenders and you occupy one of them for 20 minutes so you can merely show off by purchasing 150 extremely shorted shots, you get moved into the douche category. Maybe if the bar try-hard yelled less, he could have avoided inclusion on this list, but I doubt it.

The Judgmental Old Guy

It’s like getting drunk and rowdy in a college town never existed when this old-ass attended your school, but you know that’s far from the truth. Yet, this scrooge scowls at every action anyone under the age of 40 commits, and he won’t quit starting sentences with, “Well, back when I was here…” Don’t encroach on this guy’s tailgating spot, sneak booze into the game, or–according to Old Man River behind me at our in-state rivalry game last year–even so much as speak during the game. Actually, do all of those things just to piss off this guy.

The Alum Who Thinks He Or She Is Still In College

Just kidding. Hi, guys. It’s me, the girl who thinks she looks like she still perfectly belongs when standing amongst students merely a few years her junior, give or take. Why else would I, or anyone for that matter, go party in my college town on a game day other than to watch my team hopefully kick ass and behave like I’m still a tuition-paying 21-year-old? That question is obviously rhetorical. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have beer bongs and Jell-O shots to attend to.

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McMagistrate

After stretching college out for 9 years, McMagistrate is now an attorney in her late-ish 20's who earned her title by embracing the stigma that accompanies a healthy partying habit. She enjoys showing off her sub-par golf game and pretending her impressive law school loan doesn't exist. You can likely find her on her patio, live-tweeting her wine binges, and concerning her neighbors.

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