Reviewing The Glorious, Calorie-Stuffed, Hangover-Destroying McDonald’s Value Pack

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On Tuesday, I met my buddies Mike and Matt for a “guys only” lunch at Mickey D’s, and let me tell you, we had big appetites. Instead of going for my usual (two McDoubles, “meat, cheese, and onions only,” tear the bun off of one, then make a quadruple-stacked cheeseburger for maximum low-cal protein, plus a spicy McChicken on the side for the mayo I crave) we decided to take a swing for the fences as a team and split the Mickey D’s Value Pack. It was such an-all star move.

For the low, low price of just $15, the Mickey D’s Value Pack comes with four cheeseburgers, four McChickens, four sodas, and 20 chicken nuggets. We added on three orders of crispy, golden fries and dumped ‘em all out on a tray to share family style. It was truly a feast of epic proportions. Plus, I drank eight IPAs and smoked a bunch of dope in bed while watching “Lone Survivor” on my laptop the night before, so I had a slight hangover that only the McClown could fix up in a jiffy. I started going to town on the eats and they really hit the spot. Toward the end, I started to feel sick but it was worth every last bite. Wanting to puke your guts out is a small price to pay for such a great value.

After all three of us had shoveled in our fill, we still had some food left. Even though Matt was kind enough to treat us by picking up the tab, he insisted that my roommate Mike and I take home the last McChicken and six nuggets. The great thing about Mickey D’s is that it tastes just about the same when you ‘wave it. My buddy Kyle says you can’t reheat mayo, but he just doesn’t know mayo the way I know mayo. I watch a lot of food shows when I’m depressed on a Friday night alone, and I’m pretty sure reheating mayo is a-okay. I’m not some stupid idiot. I pay attention during TV shows, even if I’m stoned out of my mind and half in the bag, wishing somebody loved me.

But what really kicked the experience up a notch was the location. The McDonald’s in Echo Park, Calif., is just a few blocks from my apartment, so you can’t beat it for convenience. It even has a Playplace with a ball pit for the kids if you’ve made any mistakes. And there are always a bunch of laid back, local seniors enjoying a hot coffee and the newspaper, which gives the location an authentic, down-home feel.

I almost forgot–about halfway through our meal, a teenaged prostitute came in. She seemed pretty clean, but still, they have diseases. After placing her order, she loudly threatened to murder everyone in McDonald’s. Sure, that starts out fun and we had some laughs, but when the prosto started to say it directly to a nice Hispanic family enjoying a quiet lunch, the dad threatened to “fucking drop her.” Eventually, they just moved seats after some harsh words, and while I don’t want to advocate violence against women, I can’t say I wasn’t slightly disappointed he didn’t knock her unconscious. When the family walked by to its new digs, the dad said to me, “They want all the Mexicans out of this neighborhood, but it’s the white people that are crazy!” Man, he was really pissed, but I was excited to feel involved.

You could tell the workers at this Mickey D’s location were pros. They just kept on serving hungry folks with a smile as the prostitute made the restaurant rounds, threatening everyone’s life. When the manager got on the phone with the cops, the prostitute must have decided to stop threatening everyone with death, because she said, “I’ll give all you n*ggas herpes! But I won’t because I got a condom! Y’all n*ggas ain’t even got no HIV but I’ll give you HIV but I won’t ‘cause I got a condom!” It didn’t make much sense and I can’t be positive I got the quote right, but you get the idea. Guess she wasn’t used to public speaking. She sure seemed confident though. If I were to give her notes, I’d say that I thought her use of the n-word was unnecessary, as she was white and there also weren’t any black people in the Mickey D’s. And even so, that might have been taken as offensive.

After starting several more fights with patrons then doing a head count of everyone in the building, the prosto guaranteed she had “enough pussy blood to smear on everyone’s face,” then joined us at our table. I think she must’ve confused my friend Matt with someone else, because she put her hand on his shoulder and kept calling him Alan. I felt left out of the conversation until she gave me the condom in her hand and said, “We should fuck right here in front of everyone and put on a porno show.” I’m not sure if she was serious though. Seemed genuine?

The prostitute must have sensed that live penis and vagina sex action with a bag of disease in a fast food restaurant wasn’t my thing, so she pointed to all three of us and screamed, “I’ll suck all y’all n*gga’s dicks for five or 10 dollars!” We passed on the offer because we were pretty full from lunch. Plus, she was a prostitute with possible HIV and several other diseases. I have to say though, it felt kind of cool to be called the n-word–like I was “down” with the “streets.”

The Mickey D’s manager came over to apologize while still on the phone with 911. He seemed pretty scared. Either that or he wanted a $5 blow job. Guess she wasn’t into him, though, because she threatened his life directly to his face.

After we packed up our lefties in the small, suitcase-sized carrying case our Mickey D’s Value Pack came in, we took a nice “guys only” photo in the Playplace so as not to get bitten or scratched, filling us with a deathly virus, and headed outside to watch the prostitute get in several more physical altercations through the window. Some new families even came right into the restaurant and sat down in the middle of the melee only to have their lives threatened, too. That’s how you know the food is top-notch.

I’ll definitely be back. I mean, I drink a lot, and like I said, it’s close to my house. Five stars.

If you think I’m fucking kidding, you can listen to this whole event recorded live with my buddy Mike Bridenstine on Matt Knudsen’s podcast “Grabbing Lunch with Matt Knudsen” this Saturday, August 9.

You can also see the Yelp review HERE.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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