Predicting The Next Huge Cultural Trends

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I have a thing for trends. You can tell, because I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of ways to write about them. Instead of taking a look back at former trends or analyzing the cultural peccadilloes of the current generation, I’d like to take a look at the not too distant future. Here are some things that I think will take the world by storm a lot sooner than you might expect.

1. Turtlenecks

Like the great philosopher Mitch Hedberg once said, “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day.” It makes me sad to think that such a classic look could ever fall by the wayside. I don’t think the turtleneck ever got a fair shake. Even when people were actually wearing them, it wasn’t like they were ever considered a fad or a trend. This is silly to me. Why wouldn’t you want your neck to get the same protection and weather proofing that the rest of your upper body does? What do you people have against necks, you laryngological, fascist bastards? Sorry, I get a little worked up about this kind of stuff. The point is, we’ve established that clothing associated with the neck is considered “higher brow.” Collars, ties, scarves, thin gold chains–all are marks of extreme wealth (and possible connections to organized crime). I don’t think it will be surprising when people start wearing turtlenecks again very soon.

2. Thigh Shakes

Guys, it’s official. We’ve run out of handshakes. The business shake, the high five, the clasp-to-hug, the dap, the low five, the loopy-loo rinky-dink–it’s all played out. I predict that once we realize there are no more iterations of the greeting to be had with our hands and upper bodies, we will turn to the downstairs. The concept is simple. You walk up to your good buddy when you see him and each of you grab the inside of the other’s upper leg, as a gesture of friendship. It’s quick, it’s simple, and best of all, once you’re both heading to thigh town, there’s no confusion over what kind of greeting you’re doing. No more awkward high five to “pound it” transitions. Just grab the man’s leg and call it hello. Just make sure you go low enough down that you don’t grab a handful of Jimmy Dean. Or don’t. Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life.

3. Superman Curls

Ever since “Mad Men” hit the air, the hard part combover has come back in vogue. There are also some dudes who have taken it even farther, shaving the sides and leaving the mop on top, lookin’ like some Michael-Pitt-before-getting-shitcanned-from-“Boardwalk-Empire” motherfuckers. I think it’s time for a new hairstyle, one that’s both classic and cutting edge. The little curly-Q drop down that Superman rocks is the answer. From Kirk Alyn to Henry Cavill, many handsome men have shown their transformation from vanilla bean paste Clark Kent to the raw masculinity of the hero from Krypton by ditching their glasses and twirling a little loop with the front of their hair. I think it’s time that concept went mainstream. America’s ready for it.

4. Super Selfies

I don’t even know what this one looks like, to be honest. All I know is that people are going to want to take the narcissism of the selfie to the next level. Maybe it’s zooming in so close when you take a picture of yourself that no one can make out exactly what’s in the picture. Maybe you’ll take, like, 200 selfies and then lay all of them over each other, creating some sort of creepy, morphed version of yourself. Hell, maybe it’ll just be pictures of inanimate objects that sort of look like you. Actually, that has to be it. Selfies are the perfect representation of the vanity of humans, and if they are going to progress, they have to become almost deified. What’s more Godlike than finding images of Jesus in water stains and expired loaves of sourdough? Very soon, selfies won’t be pictures of you standing in front of a mirror, they will be the pancake at IHOP that “has your eyes.”

5. Button-Ups And Gym Shorts

I work from home. I wear a short-sleeved Oxfords and gym shorts every day. I’m not joking. It’s the most comfortable clothing combination I’ve ever experienced. The elastic forgives your midday chimichanga breaks while the loose fit of the shirt allows for ample breeze room. Plus, you can button as many or as few buttons as you feel your situation merits (I average 2.4 buttons on any given day). I feel like I’ve revolutionized clothing, and I’m just waiting for humanity to catch up.

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