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1. Erratic Toupee Use Guy
You have to respect that not only does this guy have the balls to glue this piece of roadkill onto his head, but he has the audacity to assume everyone in the office is Helen Keller and won’t notice the very visible color difference of that rug and what remains of his natural hair. Pure balls. While this is a surprising show of confidence from a guy with no hair, it pales in comparison to his most brazen move: not rocking the toupee on a daily basis.
If there was a cardinal rule of toupee use, it would have to be to wear that ridiculous thing every day, so as to create the illusion you have hair. That’s literally the sole purpose of wearing a toupee. However, there’s the occasional Tuesday when this dude strolls in bare-scalped and acts as if nothing is out of the ordinary. That one slow coworker who consistently forgets this guy is balder than a parking lot spends about 10 minutes staring at his reflection in this guy’s head before remembering it’s No Toupee Tuesday. You have to commit, man. It’s better to embrace your invisi-hair than to do a hybrid of over-committing to the off-color toupee mixed in with days of just not giving a shit.
2. The Recycling Nazi
You can’t be mean to this guy because he means well, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t annoy the absolute shit out of you and everyone else in the office. You absentmindedly toss an empty water bottle (read: discarded spitter) into the trash can and he acts like you just slapped his mother in public, which, ironically, you want to do after his little hippie, holier-than-thou tirade. Look, dickhead. I watched my fair share of “Captain Planet” when I was little and I’m all about taking pollution down to zero, too. I don’t appreciate you looking at me like I’m BP as you remind me for the 14th time that Styrofoam isn’t biodegradable. What it lacks in “green,” it makes up for in “my parents buy these and I get them for free, so fuck you.”
The Recycling Nazi will often go through everyone’s trash just before the janitors get there to pick out any discarded recyclables. If you get a little tired of this self-righteous crusader–or if you’re just an asshole–make your recyclables noticeably visible under layers of terrible and possibly contagious trash you accumulate during the day. A half-assed hippie might just walk away, but this douchebag will pick his way through that new strain of Hepatitis living in your trash can to rescue that lone water bottle. It’s a win-win: you get some late afternoon entertainment, and some sort of flesh-eating virus just latched onto his ponytail. At least he’ll die doing what he loves.
3. The Equal Supervisor
Chances are, you report to the same supervisor as this person. If you were to get moved tomorrow and have her job, you would consider it a lateral move with no added responsibilities. You’re likely in the same pay grade, and the only thing that distinguishes you is you haven’t been at the company quite as long. For some reason, this person takes slight seniority as a free license to claim dominion over your corporate soul. When you first started, this person was a lifesaver because she showed you the ropes and helped you not screw anything up too badly. What you first thought was friendly advice is now clearly a command, and that helping hand has turned into a “House Of Cards”-esque power-grab on all your work. She’s basically trying to become the office SkyNet, if SkyNet were in its mid-30s and had resigned itself to die alone last year at her younger sister’s wedding.
Just let it go. She’s one more hug-less day away from having a complete mental breakdown, so your problem should resolve itself. But if Stella over there gets her groove back, then turn in your two weeks or frame her for murder.
4. Always Late Guy
What is this guy’s deal? Like many of you, I pride myself on being able to mail it in really damn hard for about 80 percent of my work week, with my only redeeming quality being that I actually work 15 to 20 percent of the week, sometimes. But this guy is on a completely different level. He starts mailing it in from the second his alarm goes off. While you fully intend to mail in Tuesday through Friday, you’re at least prompt and somewhat presentable looking. This jackoff rolls in right at 8:20 every single morning, and he looks like he slept in a greasy Tijuana landfill.
For the next 30 minutes, you watch this abomination unload a four course breakfast from his pockets and sprawl that shit out all over his desk. Between the awful and prolonged sound of crinkling wrappers and spewing food everywhere while talking on the phone, this idiot also manages to spill both milk and orange juice on his dumbass shirt he bought from Gadzooks in 2003. Everyone hates you. Seriously, get your shit together.
5. Guy Who Doesn’t Use A Normal Chair
Sarcastic genitalia speculation is far too easy at this point, so let’s just skip it. Lots of people joke about him being a sissy for sitting on a pillow all day, and they’re almost certainly correct, but maybe this guy isn’t getting enough credit here. He’s in a giant room with around 40 other guys, all of whom have the same shittily made chair. He’s the only one who dares to make that chair more comfortable for his 40 hours in hell. I’ll admit it, my tailbone hurts after most days, but what can I do about it now? The only thing worse than being the weirdo sitting on a pillow all day is copying said weirdo. Plus, that would open up a wormhole of dialogue with this goon, which would make all that comfort seem obsolete.
This guy is weird, effeminate, diabetic, and probably has a questionable number of cats, but he’s actually a pioneer. We only make fun of him because we didn’t think of it first, and because he wears white socks with black loafers and most likely has every episode of “The Golden Girls” on DVD. Sit proudly on that pillow, you weird bastard, and trust that all of our tailbones are slightly uncomfortable as we talk shit about you on Communicator.
Respond
Gadzooks. I’m dying, literally, I can’t even. Also I like you.
Well thanks, Samsonite. I’m glad you got your husband back.
I am the late guy and I have no regrets. When I’m top 10 in production who cares about the hours worked.
Glad I’m not the only one that uses Office Communicator to avoid doing work all day. #PGP
My cubicle mate and I just went through this, labeling each one of our co-workers. We have no Recycling Nazis (we work in the automotive industry), but we’ve got a dead ringer for every other caption.