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If you’ve got a hookup horror story, send it in using our submission form, and be sure to select “Column.” All stories will be made anonymous. Try to keep it under 500 words. Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged.
Welp, You’re Fired
“Drew” from St. Petersburg, Fla.
This is the ultimate #PGP. I hooked up with my boss and I’m pretty sure she’s going to get fired for it. We had a company happy hour three weeks ago and my boss, “Kelly,” was having a good time. She was buying round after round for everyone and was in high spirits. The group started thinning out around eight or so since it was a work night, but since I usually go out drinking until 1 a.m. every Thursday, the night was just beginning for me.
Kelly and I got along great at work and there had always been brief flirtatious moments between us in the office, but I didn’t think it would ever go anywhere. Soon, the group whittled down to just myself, Kelly, and two of our other coworkers. I texted some friends and we moved on to another bar, which was coincidentally next to our office building. We ended up staying until the bar closed at two. I looked up from my drink and realized that Kelly and I were the last two at the bar. She grabbed my face and we started making out. Of. Course.
Cut to the next morning. I’m in her bed. It’s 8:45, and we’re both going to be late. Also, my car was still at the bar. We decided to cut our losses and drive to work together. I would just go grab my car at lunch. Arriving at work was the most terrifying experience I’ve ever had. I hadn’t showered and I was wearing my clothes from last night, which smelled like an ashtray. I’d take care of that at lunch, too. I just had to get through the morning and hope no one would notice that I had changed clothes and had wet hair that afternoon.
Sure enough, someone saw us arrive together. We’ve been texting back and forth for weeks now. She’s gotten emails from corporate about it, and she told them she was just giving me a ride because she saw my car had broken down. I don’t think they believed her.
Thinking about taking the fall. I hate this fucking job.
Company Ink
“Seth” from Columbus, Ohio
So this girl I work with sends me an email one night asking if I want to go out drinking. I send her my number, and we make plans. She picks me up at my apartment and we go out for drinks with a few other people from work. After our share of beers, she drives me home, parks, immediately turns off her car, and invites herself up. My apartment is a hellhole because I’ve been too busy to clean or whatever. She pours herself a drink and sits down on my bed. I turn on my TV just for background noise. I’m not one to shit where I eat, but after a few minutes she looks at me and asks if we’re going to fuck or not. I was in the midst of a horrendous dry streak, so I figured why the hell not? It had been forever. A few minutes in, she says she needs to stop. She gets up, starts to cry, throws on her clothes, and just leaves. I still have no idea what happened, but I know work is going to be weird from here on out.
Respond
Next time dip your pin in company stink. Plausible deniability.
Anal doesn’t count.
This is my nightmare.