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Welcome back to Bonerville, Mayor Boner. It’s good to see you again. It has definitely been a while, sir.
I’m glad you came back to us, because as you can see, the once great city of Bonerville has fallen on tough times. It’s been a long 10 years. This once thriving metropolis now stands in disrepair and total anarchy. It’s like when Bane took over Gotham City in “The Dark Knight Rises,” except I wish there was a nuclear device planted somewhere in the city to release us all from this living hell.
Our revenue has plummeted, as our population has decreased by 75 percent in the last decade. Your 3 percent high-wealth income tax rate was a big hit, and we managed to increase the median household income of Bonerville to 600,000 simoleons a year. We also successfully eliminated undesirables with our 17 percent low-wealth income tax. Dr. Vu and his thugs were nowhere to be found by your second year in office–in fact, our Boner Day celebration is coming up in a few weeks to commemorate the event. Now, it’s mostly an event where the citizens set buildings on fire and go to one of the 73 casinos you built during the financial crisis of 2005.
But, let’s get back to the problems we have in Bonerville. Our economy is in the toilet. In theory, we do have the population to bring in enough revenue to keep the Dirty B alive, but the only jobs left in town are at the casinos and Bonerville’s citizens have become degenerate gamblers since your term as mayor ended. Forty-three percent of the population is employed by the casinos and they all blow their paychecks at the casinos they work for, creating an economic vacuum where the casinos are literally getting paid back by their employees.
We’ve tried cutting money everywhere we can. We’ve cut the smoke detector ordinance, because so many smoke alarms were alerting our already thinly-spread fire department to old, brown, abandoned buildings downtown. We’ve actually found a great way to save money in multiple areas by just letting these buildings burn down instead of put out the fires. The cleanup costs are significantly less than what we would pay to operate four fire engines and employ 10 firefighters. That’s the kind of financial creativity we’ve had to use since you’ve left us.
Okay, onto the school system. They are now fully subsidized by the $300 a month we get from the casinos in town. The casinos have pretty much turned the Bonerville school district into a 12-year vocational school for card dealers and oddsmakers. We also worked out a deal with The Greasy Taco to provide school lunches to all 75,000 students in the Bonerville school system. Obesity levels in the city have reached epidemic levels.
Our parks and recreation department is virtually non-existent, with the exception of the parks in the abandoned high-tech zones that still remain. We have been unable to recover any city property from the tech parks due to the feral dogs that now roam the streets in the South Bonerville Tech Park. We tried to send a team of unpaid interns into the park to round up some remaining scrap metal that we could sell. Half of our staff is comprised of interns. Yes, it slashed our payroll significantly, but now we have 20-year-olds in charge of major city projects. Well, we sent our parks and rec interns into the tech park, but–well, they were attacked by the feral dogs. We’ve been able to maintain contact with one of the interns via the news channel’s helicopter and we do food drops once a week, but we fear the dogs will take him eventually.
As you are probably wondering, our downtown has been completely decimated. Your youngest brother, Mayor Little Boner, discovered our town and built a nuclear reactor in the city center. We have the footage. It’s difficult to watch.
That’s where the Bonerville Swallows stadium used to be, and next to it are the remains of the Bank of China tower replica that produced zero revenue and cost the city millions of dollars.
I wish we could have given you a better welcome back, sir. Our city needs you again. You weren’t the hero Bonerville deserved, but you were the hero Bonerville needed. Word on the street is that your parents are about to throw us away, and that Bonerville will be gone forever. I know it runs on Windows XP, but for the love of God, please help us.
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Still better off than Detroit.
I used to love this game when I was younger. This was definitely one of the better computer-only games ever made.
The highway picture is still somehow better than the real life picture of 635 (LBJ freeway) in Dallas today.
This made me laugh very hard.
This game was the tits. Has anyone ever played the new Sim City game they came out with a year or so ago?
It’s terrible, but I don’t know if that’s because it’s legitimately bad or I’m just not into computer games anymore.
Probably a little of both goes into the new game being terrible. If they came out with a new Roller Coaster Tycoon I’d be more into trying that than the new Sim City.
Oh man Roller Coaster Tycoon was the best. Reading people’s thoughts and making them ride rides ’till they barfed. Legit.
As we get older we either want our nostalgic games or we want games that are very well done. Either way, we download them for free so computer gaming is going to shit. The real way to make money on computer games, today, is to create one of those free games where you have to buy upgrades.
obama warned you about the sequester, Bonerville.