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If you’ve been in the work world a couple years, you may have noticed the inevitable. Your once majestic swoop that was the delight of women campus-wide is thinning, and you’re well on your way to looking like a monk. I remember I first noticed my own hair loss when the girl I was dating joked I was thinning on top. I looked into the mirror and she was right. Needless to say, we’re not together anymore. Here are the options to avoid hair loss, ranked and rated.
1. Get Hair Replacement Surgery
If you really want to get your hair back, you’re going to have to go under the knife. The good news is that the technology is a lot better than it used to be, and you can have individual hairs inserted into your head instead of plugs that look unnatural. The bad news is that you’re going to look like crap at your office for a while, as your scalp may bleed. Take off work maybe? This may not be the best use of your precious vacation days, and it also costs thousands, so you may have to defer some student loans. Better break out the Bar Mitzvah money.
Difficulty: 8, Look: 9
2. Rogaine And/Or Propecia
Rogaine is a topical hair growth treatment you apply every day. It may regrow some hair, and may keep you from continuing to lose hair. Propecia is the same, but it’s a pill. For both, you must use them every day, or your new hair will fall out. (Just so we’re clear, that means from now until you die–or until you get married, and it’s too late for your wife to leave you.) Also Propecia may make you impotent or give you ED. But with your hairline, you probably weren’t having any luck with the ladies, so nothing will change on that front. Also don’t let your pregnant wife touch the Propecia, because your kids will probably have birth defects.
Difficulty: 6, Look: 7
3. Shave Your Head
You won’t look like you’re balding, but you won’t have hair at all. This can be a good look if you’re athletic, because you’ll look speedy and aerodynamic. If you’re a former-bro-turned-desk-jockey like me though, you can’t pull it off. You’ll look more like Frank Reynolds than Jean Luc Picard. However, I do suppose there’s something to be said for owning your hair loss, confronting it head-on, and saying to the world you don’t need a full head of hair to be a man.
Difficulty: 3, Look: 9 (if you’re athletic) or 3 (if you’re doughy)
4. Combover
Real simple. Take the hair from the parts of your head where you do have hair and comb it over the bald part. This plan has no upside. Everyone will still know you are bald, and you will also look like a goober.
Difficulty: 2, Look: 1
5. Wear A Hat Or Just Do Nothing
If you’re fresh out of college, you can easily get away with wearing your favorite hat to dive bars. Just be warned: the older you get, the more women suspect you’re using it to cover up hair loss. You also can’t wear your hats to work. Or on dates. So maybe just buzz close and hope for the best?
Difficuly: 2, Look: depends on how advanced your hair loss is
Respond
“Buzz close and hope for the best” is an option in and of itself, and I find it is the most successful at earlier-stage balding
Justified.
Best response; best account name.
Just ask Gen. ‘Big O’ Odierno. He owned his lack of hair, broke the ‘hair barrier’ for being a General (seriously it was a thing to have good hair to pick up a star,) and now is the most bad ass of all Artillerymen in the world. King of Battle.
And that’s why I’m keeping the swoop.
Some of us are slowly losing our ability to keep the swoop Deskjockey. Whats your MOS by the way?
If I ever become a guy who fires howitzers instead of a guy who writes motions I’ll keep that in mind.