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On a scale from one to DMV employee, how much do you hate your job? My guess is not nearly as much as these folks. Chin up, friends, because things could be much worse. Unless, of course, you answered DMV employee.
1. The “Guess Your Weight” Booth Attendant
This guy literally gets paid to make people feel bad about themselves. I don’t care if he’s right or wrong, above, or under. Every person will take his guess the wrong way and they will let him know by the pools of tears slowly trickling down their cheeks as they say, “Do you really think that’s my weight?” This innocent minimum wage worker is a life ruiner and an instigator for eating disorders around the globe.
2. The Police Officer Who Has To Pretend To Be a Little Girl In Chatrooms To Find Pervs
We’ve all seen an episode or two of Dateline and admired Chris Hanson and the heroic squad of police taking down the pervert who showed up to a little girl’s house wearing nothing but boxers and a smile. But what about the guy who has to endure the months of chatting with the creep? He has to pretend to be a little girl who wants to meet up with this 40-something year old with a patchy mustache. He takes one for team in the war against pedophiles but lies awake at night terrified that Mr. Just-Send-Me-A-Picture-Of-You-In-Your-Training-Bra might find out where he lives.
3. Intern at the Local Sperm Bank
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Being an intern and doing the dirty work has a whole new meaning at the sperm bank. This youngster who didn’t realize where he applied for a job will be responsible for putting away the magazines, wiping down the chairs, and making eye contact with countless men who just released their seed into a plastic cup for a few extra bucks. Let that resonate for minute. He’ll have to learn techniques for dodging friendly high fives and saying words like “semen” without giggling. He’ll also have to figure out a new career path after realizing that the “research medicine” job he signed up for is no longer for him.
4. Security Guard At The Super Bowl
From the outside looking in, it may look like a free pass to experience the event every single human being in the whole world looks forward to the most. How great is that? Answer: not at all. The security guards at the Super Bowl have their backs to the action while trying to throw out the drunk Seahawks fan who won’t stop trying to stretch out every Bronco’s fan’s forehead to match their QBs. But don’t worry, he weaseled his way back to his seat and started a fight every time you tried to sneak a peak at the score. Now when the whole world is talking about the world’s weakest excuse for a Super Bowl game, you’ll be stuck watching the pathetic recap on SportsCenter.
5. New Orleans Street Cleaner Who Just Got Hired In March
Oops, he probably didn’t think this one through. Bourbon Street on a regular night is pretty gross, but after Mardi Gras? There is literally not a single word in the English language that can accurately sum up the shit show that is Fat Tuesday. Vomit is cleaned up by the ton and broken beads are swimming in puddles of mysterious liquids (not limited to alcohol. Gross.) A couple of animals will probably be trampled in the streets and there will be enough used condoms to make a personal hula-hoop for the Earth. At least he’ll get to bask in the remnants of others’ fun who definitely have much better jobs than him.
6. Guy Responsible For Bathing The K-9 Unit Dogs
A regular dog already hates a good old bath, so can you imagine how a dog who is trained to sniff out drugs and brutally injure the bad guys feels? Sure these dogs are trained, but then again, a bath is a bath and these pups can only restrain so much. Accidentally getting water in the wrong place could be a lethal mistake.
7. Lost Baggage Security Agent
Nobody pays this guy a visit if they are in a good mood. The person who needs to deal with the lost baggage security agent is generally late, frustrated, highly privileged, and angrier than all the times Justin Bieber’s publicist has been in the past three months added together. The traveler is in San Diego and can’t understand how his stuff ended up in St. Louis, and it’s all the lost baggage security guy’s fault. Countless threats to his wellbeing are made day after day and his mother continuously gets verbally ripped apart in every which way.
8. The President’s Personal Food Taster
She applies for the job “The President of the United States’ Personal Assistant.” After months of grueling background checks that were almost compromised by a parking ticket in 2002, she lands the job and could not be more excited. Her first assignment? Taste every dish for the President before every meal and wait 20 minutes to give him feedback. Nobody tells her why this must be done, but she proceeds jubilantly. It then slowly becomes apparent that this is her only duty and about five weeks into the job, it dawns on her: she is checking for poison. Poison that would kill the president. Poison that would kill her, first.
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Topanga
Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.
@TopangaPGP
I wouldn’t last a day as obama’s food taster. You might not want to eat the soup when I’m done with it, barry.
I would laugh uncontrollably, with every innuendo typed, knowing what he doesn’t know if I had job number 2.