33 Signs It’s Time To Move Out Of Your Place

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Most of us get out of school and move somewhere that isn’t a horrible haunted murder shack in the woods or a grade-A certified drug den, but sometimes you end up living somewhere that has no redeeming qualities or a single that could qualify as an amenity. If any of the following signs are things you notice, you should probably consider searching desperately through Craigslist so you can escape from the hell hole you’re currently residing in.

1. The roaches refuse to eat any of the food located in your apartment.
2. Speaking of the roaches, they just decide to voluntarily move out.
3. When entering your house or building, you have to step over a police body chalk line or three before getting to your door.
4. Homeless people see you walking into your apartment building and give you all their change.
5. Your neighbors have invited you over for a crack and dirty needles mixer.
6. The bathroom is shit. Literally. Everything is caked in a layer of the stuff.
7. No one parks their car on the street because it will be stripped clean like a roadkill carcass by morning.
8. Your interior doors have those metal gates used in mall storefronts.
9. The carpet in your place is older than your grandparents.
10. Sitting on the upstairs toilet is a game of Russian roulette, where the loser eventually falls through the soggy floor into a downstairs bedroom.
11. The appliances are steam powered.
12. Your furniture has seen more bodily fluids than a drug testing lab.
13. The most common form of employment in your neighborhood is “meth cook”.
14. The nearest bar is so far away that you need to pack a suitcase and book a plane to get there.
15. Your mass transit options are limited to getting a cab to work with your neighbor.
16. You are more likely to quickly get emergency assistance from a local gang member than the local police.
17. Your rent requires you to work full time and sell your blood, sperm or eggs just to pay it.
18. Having sex on a twin bed has gotten old.
19. Your booze supply is worth more than the place you live in.
20. The place you live costs more to park your car there than to live there.
21. Blood oozing from your walls would be better than whatever currently oozes from your walls.
22. By the time you commute to and from work, you need to do it all again.
23. All the bullet holes in the walls are making it difficult to hang decorations on the walls.’
24. The smog outside is thick enough to fill your coffee mug with in the morning.
25. The nearest town has a population of 10 and one stoplight.
26. The tap water will give you worse diarrhea than a three day bender in Mexico City.
27. In the coldest part of winter, it is actually warmer outside.
28. Your central heat is a trashcan fire.
29. Opening your fridge creates a BSL-4 bio safety hazard incident, requiring a Centers for Disease Control response.
30. People are afraid to spend more than 10 minutes inside your place, due to potential long and short term health hazards.
31. Bringing someone back requires a series of apologies for living in a place not fit for Gitmo prisoners.
32. Thinking about how much time you have left on your lease gives you heart palpitations.
33. Standing up in your room has a definite risk of causing you a serious concussion.

Get out while you can, because living in an awful place isn’t worth it, even if it is incredibly cheap. Find a cozy room under the stairs or offer to pay rent in a nicer area for a walk-in closet bedroom and live there instead.

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Jack Quesinberry

Recent graduate from the University of Maryland working in the biotech industry. I like to spend my weekends in DC ensuring my future political career will be one filled with a number of great scandals and equally great Sunday brunches. My alter ego is Whiskey Ginger.

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