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Now that holiday season is upon us, and Thanksgivakkuh looms disturbingly close (THANKS, Christian calendar), every brand is sharing their respective holiday gift guides to consider for those you love or tolerate in your life. Considering that most of your peers are probably in the same boat as you (going to the gym before drinking so you’re already dehydrated and will get intoxicated way more cheaply and quickly), think twice about blowing big bucks on knick knacks. The following is a more handy and realistic gift guide that will get you through the most expensive season.
Prescription Drugs
For the friends you actually like, bless them with the gift of uppers, downers and everything in-between. Share the bounty of your psychologist’s blatant indiscretion in the form of Adderall and Klonopin that Dr. Miller knows you pop like gummy vitamins. To be on the safe side, remove any labels bearing your name and replace with a holiday appropriate ribbon.
Regift Anything From An Ex
That expensive candle they bought you that no longer smells like your tentative New England summer home? Those silver picture frames that survived being thrown across the room? The less expensive jewelry (because let’s be serious, emotions are forfeit when it comes to the good stuff)? Get them out of your apartment and into the stockings of coworkers and cousins alike.
Liquor
No explanation necessary, as it’s truly the gift that keeps on giving…sometimes well into the next morning, depending on where you wake up.
Starbucks Gift Cards
Ah, most of white collar humanity’s unifying force – an expensive caffeine addiction. Even if they don’t indulge in one of the few things that makes life palatable, they can blow it all on cake pops or some other bastardization of carbohydrates.
Blowjobs
That congenial feeling worth more than any of the muffled words that will be coming out of your mouth <3
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sarahsolfails
Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."
@urbanJAP
@sarahsolfails
This article looks like it should be on TFM, not postgradproblems.
Actually, this is exactly how our holiday gift exchange functions at the office though. I’m doing the regift, liquor, and Starbucks card this year, looking to pick up nicer liquor.
Best column I’ve seen in awhile. Go you.
Every kiss begins with Klonopin <3 and you go right to hell Kay Jewlers
Yeah or just money will work out fine.
hell no, bjs all the way
Can we clarify that it must be a fantastic BJ — the holy grail of finding the perfect girlfriend.
But what if you’re already getting blowies with some regularity? Would you want another one as your Christmas gift?
I could plan a whole day around it. Wake up to one, driving to breakfast, in the shower afterwards, before taking a nap, you get the idea.
If you’re already getting regular blowies you should get her a very nice gift and thank your lucky stars you greedy bastard.
@Please advise yea you make a good point.
@Happy and homeless. Its like a bad day of fishing beating out a good day at the office. Same applies for bjs, a bad one is just as good.
Quantity over quality because practice makes perfect.