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Game: Free Food Horse Races
What You’ll Need: Half a dozen donuts, degenerate gamblers, overweight coworkers
How To Play: This is essentially the same as attending a Kentucky Derby party, but only if it were a race for morbidly obese horses. Bring in a couple donuts and place them in the break room. The opening bell is an office-wide email saying “Leftover donuts in the break room.” Get a couple of friends together and place bets on who will get there first (varying odds based on weight, distance from break room, and prior winning streak). Even though you’re not in a fault zone, a small earthquake will register as the once-penned cattle are released towards the kitchen. The one downside of this contest is, unlike Barbaro, if a contestant breaks his/her leg, they won’t get euthanized.
Typical Odds
7/1: Coworker coming off bunion surgery
2/1: Anyone in a motorized wheelchair
4/1: Weighs greater than 300 pounds (though they may fit into the wheelchair odds)
1/1: Secretaries
Game: Work Hide-n-Seek
What You’ll Need: Clingy, Emotionally Broken Social Media Manager, An Office, Vodka Cranberries
How To Play: Remember how fun it was to play hide-n-seek when you were a kid? The good news is, there’s a work version. You’ve caught eyes with Social Media Sarah before, however you’ve heard stories she’s a bit crazy. No matter, this just makes it more fun. Organize a work happy hour, have a couple of drinks, and get four vodka cranberries into Social Media Sarah until the two of you become a bit too touchy-feely. The following Monday after the magic happens, you’ll not only have a great story to tell, but more importantly, you’ll spend the entire day trying to avoid her. The one stipulation is that you’re only allowed to hideout in the bathroom stall twice throughout the day.
Game: Office Jargon Bingo
What You’ll Need: Hour-long staff meeting, two coworkers, notepad
How To Play: It’s your 9am meeting in the conference room, you’re already bored to tears, and last night’s wine escapade still hasn’t worn off. This is where Office Jargon Bingo can put the “FUN” in “I’m so hungover, I can barely function.” Simply make a 5 x 5 card of 25 individual squares, and fill in your boss’ favorite key words. “Action Item” is the free space, and compete against your coworkers for a free lunch. Suggested words: utilize, synergy, shout out, bullpen, pass it over, thought leader, reach out, let’s take this offline. First person to get any row wins. Feel free to play “blackout,” however depending on your hungover, any alcohol-related words may make you throw up.
Respond
The first game is gold. Doing that next monday.
The only remotely decent fucking game on here is the donut one with the fatasses. Other than that I would rather type the same sentence over and over for eight hours than play the other two.
You okay boss? You seem a bit moody.
Just give him a Snickers bar, he’ll be fine.