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Formal interaction with other human beings is a big-time #PGP. Whenever I’m in (sober) situations that require me to be a social adult, I tense up like a scared little rodent, while all of conversational techniques go flying right out the window. How does being neighbors work? How did my parents make it look so easy? Why are you so friendly to me? Are you going to murder me and defile my corpse? Why do you not acknowledge me in the hallway? These are just some of the things that go through my mind when I’m interacting with my neighbors.
Fight With Significant Other
There’s nothing quite as uncomfortable as the muffled screams and shouts of a domestic argument. You’ll turn up the TV as loud as possible to drown out their squawks of passion. The entire time you’re just praying that it doesn’t escalate to the point where the fuzz has to get involved. The last thing you want to be doing is answering questions from the cops until midnight, losing valuable laying in bed staring at your laptop sleep time.
You Can Hear Them Doing It Through The Walls
This really doesn’t require explanation. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than the rhythmic sound of a headboard banging against a shared wall.
The Meet & Greet Meal
This is likely more common with older neighbors. They want to show you how hospitable they can be. Also, they can afford to host people for dinner because they make significantly more money than you do. Why do these people still live here?
They Like You
Nothing quite comes close to the awkwardness of passing someone in the hall or parking lot that you know is absolutely bananas for you. It’s flattering, really. Unfortunately, the feeling is not mutual. What’s the standard operating procedure here? Do you tell them thanks, but no thanks? Try to friendzone them? Ignore them completely?
You Like Them
You’ll see them maybe once or twice a week, but you’ll have your chances to make your introduction and ignite the flames of attraction. You had a perfect opening to say hello last week and went to introduce yourself, but instead of words, a garbled mess came out of your mouth. They definitely weren’t words. You blew it.
“How ’bout a little help here?”
Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. It says so in the Bible. So why not help them move that coffee table into their place? You might get a free beer out of the deal or maybe a slice of pizza or something. Still, it’s pretty awkward having to ask a total stranger for help, especially a stranger that bangs on your shared wall to tell you to turn down your TV once a week.
They’re Being Loud
What’s the most polite way to tell someone that they need to shut the fuck up? Is it passive-aggressively banging on a floor or wall? Just straight up confrontation? Maybe a text message if you’re fortunate enough to have their number? Are they going to hate me after I tell them to quiet down? When did I become so lame?
You’re Being Loud
So you’ve had a few Steveweisers and you’ve now played “Roar” 10 consecutive times since getting home from the bar. Nothing is quite as sobering as someone telling you that you need to do less. Back in college, you’d probably have slammed the door in their face and continued your rage fest until they called the po-po. Now, you’re much more tame and gladly oblige their request. You’re tired, anyway.
Parking Spots
Since the dawn of time, humans have fought over property. Nowhere is that fight more prevalent than pre-assigned parking spaces in the parking garage. Instead of spears and slingshots, it’s tow trucks and threatening sticky-notes. This faceless coward will never confront you politely, but will torment you with veiled attacks.
One Night Stand
Whether you’re happy it happened or not, you’re really walking on thin ice here. If it’s not going beyond one spur-of-the-moment hump fest, you’ve really boned yourself into a corner. Hopefully, both parties understand what went down was just a one-time thing. If not, there’s gonna be some super awkward elevator rides.
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Corner apartment. No shared walls. Nice.
I received a call from the office of my apartment coplex to inform me one of my neighbors filed a complaint because they saw me, allegedly, peeing of my balcony. They haven’t confronted me yet about it, but when they do I imagine it will be pretty akward.
Parking spots: why I’m glad I have my own garage.