Bad News For Whoever Is Stealing Packages At My Apartment: I’m Officially On The Case

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This cat and mouse game began about three months ago when I decided to go full douche and order my first polo from Peter Millar. It was a long time coming, and I had to perform some very serious mental gymnastics to get me away from the stuff that Nike offers up every fall, but eventually I came around. I needed a new gameday polo, and the offerings that Peter Millar had on their website were really making my johnson hard.

They look great, they are moisture wicking, and I love the three buttons as opposed to the standard two button. Just a great look. I swear this is not a sponsored ad, although if the fine folks over at Peter Millar want to send me a few shillings to pimp their products I wouldn’t be opposed.

Now for the unaware, Peter Millar is a clothing company that specializes in high end golf apparel. The Peter Millar quarter zip is something that most finance bros own in at least two different colors, but I am fairly certain they made their name peddling high performance three button polo shirts.

These classic golf shirts look great, but the problem is they take about two weeks to get to your front door because they are hand embroidered. I bought one for myself this past football season, the issue came about two weeks after I had ordered the polo. You see when you order a collegiate gameday polo from Peter Millar you are buying a quality piece of clothing.

The logo on the breast is hand embroidered which is why it takes so long to ship, so when my tracking read that it was delivered to my apartment I thought maybe it was a mix-up with the post office. These things happen.

Sometimes it will say delivered when in actuality the shit doesn’t show up until the next day. But the next day became two days, three days, four days, and eventually a week and I knew something was up.

I called up the post office and after thirty minutes of waiting I got my answer – it had in fact been delivered, and if I couldn’t find it underneath a doormat or hidden underneath one of the potted plants near the doorstep it must have been stolen. I reported it as such, called up Peter Millar, and told them my situation. They sent me a new one no questions asked overnight, however this time I got it sent to my office building.

It was after that little incident that I decided it was time to install a nest cam outside my house. Luckily two of the three other tenants in my building agreed (shoutout to the shitheads who live below me that didn’t want to pony up any dough) that it was time to install something, and so we split the cost and installed it ourselves above the front door.

This was in late October or early November. A few weeks went by without incidence. We were all getting packages delivered and things were hunky dory at my humble abode (other than that yapping King Charles spaniel who needs to choke on a dog dick and die).

And then in the dead of night our camera got smashed to smithereens. I don’t know if it was from a baseball bat or just some crackhead with superhuman strength (we installed the camera about 12 feet up from the ground and assumed no one would be able to get to it), but they broke the camera and by the end of November we were back to square one.

Since then we haven’t had surveillance. I’ve tried rallying my neighbors who pitched in before but it’s difficult around the holiday season to get people to commit to anything. The replacement surveillance camera has sort of fallen by the wayside.

I’m a big Amazon Prime guy. I can get my packages delivered to the office, but I prefer to get them at my apartment. No one from my office needs to see me unboxing a new fleshlight modeled after Mia Malkova’s vagina. That’s just poor form. But what can I do? I wake up pretty much everyday and see shit like this –

We’re a week out from Christmas and this is what I’m dealing with. I’ve called the post office, Fedex, and UPS pleading with them to place packages safely inside behind the locked door to no avail. I’ve talked with Amazon customer service and nearly chucked my phone across the room out of frustration. No action has been taken since our surveillance camera has been broken and now I have to take matters into my own hands. Vigilante justice at its finest. I’m going to find whoever is doing this and justice will be served.

I’ve had my differences with my neighbors in the few months that I’ve lived there but this goes beyond personal feuds. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for my building.

My plans for this weekend, which included baking cookies and assembling a 1,000 piece puzzle, now revolve around finding the savage who no longer cares about optics. He’s literally ripping packages open at the front door, taking whatever’s inside and then leaving the box just to spit in my face. As Jay-Z once said, he’s eating my food and leaving dishes.

He’s become cocky and brazen. Maybe he wants to get caught. Serial thieves like this tend to have strange sexual proclivities. Go ahead, make my day. My full attention is now on this and I’m praying for a slip up.

To the thief – you’re probably not reading because someone who steals Amazon packages more than likely doesn’t have Internet access, but if you’re at a public library or an Apple store using a free computer or tablet just know that I’m on to you.

I won’t eat (except when I get hungry). I won’t sleep (unless of course I get tired). And I certainly won’t drink (unless I get bored while staking out the stoop in front of my door and my tummy starts begging me for some nog). I will find you. And I will kill you (or just report you to the proper authorities for making my holiday season a living hell)..

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Johnny D

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• jduda@grandex.co