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She rolled over and noticed a spot of what appeared to be blood on her white linen pillowcase.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” she screamed while jumping up out of bed. “Todd, wake up, my nose is bleeding.”
Rolling over in the same hungover manner, Todd wiped his face and looked at her to make sure everything was alright. Sperry hopped out of bed in with the excitement of going out only to realize that this stir was something else.
It took Todd all of about three seconds to realize what was going on. “Babe,” he told her with a raspy hungover voice, “it’s from your costume last night.”
With a hint of shame in her eyes, she took her index finger and wiped just below her not-actually-bloody nose. Frankly, she felt kind of stupid and had no choice but to just laugh. “Aaaaaand I’m an idiot,” she finally muttered while getting back into bed.
All it took was that exchange for her to realize that she was still drunk from the night before. What began as a lame Halloween party soon turned into a blurry mess that no one really remembered leaving.
“I… I’m still hammered,” Todd relinquished.
She shut her eyes in an attempt to curb her nauseousness and avoid throwing up. “I… I’m definitely still drunk.”
There are those hangovers when your head can’t seem to lift itself from the pillow. This, obviously, was one of those hangovers. It was like a pound of sand had been unloaded into her frontal lobe and the only movements she could do were rolling her head back and forth on the pillow. Deep down, she craved a bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich but knew that there was no way they’d be able to force themselves out of bed to get one. Drifting in and out of sleep for the next 45 minutes, she just kept trying to close her eyes tighter and tighter to avoid the sunlight coming in from their bedroom window.
It wasn’t until Sperry’s barks and whines finally got to her that she realized they needed to actually get up. With every bark, her headache amplified just a tiny bit more. “Will you please let Sperry out?” she begged Todd. “Please?”
Todd remained motionless. He was awake, but the last thing he wanted to do was put on pants and a jacket only to walk up and down their block while Sperry sniffed every bush and fire hydrant.
“Ugh,” she groaned after soliciting his help numerous times. “Fiiiiiiiine, I’ll do it.”
She leaned over in an attempt to grab her phone on her nightstand only to see the empty end of her iPhone charger resting next to her fake eyelashes. It was unlike her not to plug her phone in no matter how drunk she got, so she figured it was lost somewhere in the covers. Standing up, she began rifling through them even getting to the point of lifting up Todd’s legs praying that it was under one of them.
“Todd, okay, wake up,” she finally demanded, “my fucking phone is missing.”
Without immediately opening his eyes, he tried to muster up the willpower to explain what had happened the night before. He lifted his head slightly from the pillow only to finally explain, “Yeah, babe, you probably don’t remember but you left it in the Uber last night — I think it’s dead.”
She ripped the entire comforter off the bed just to be sure, but also to force Todd out of bed as well. “And you didn’t try to get it back?” she snapped back without any ground to stand on. She knew she had too much to drink, and she also knew that pinning the lost phone on Todd probably wasn’t the move. Unfortunately, her still-drunk mind went in another direction.
Finally, Todd sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I tried calling it, babe,” he told her, “but like I said, it’s dead. Let’s hope the driver plugged it in and we can call it or use Find My iPhone later this morning.”
Almost immediately, she pulled out her iPad from her bedside table’s drawer and queued up Find My iPhone in a desperate attempt to remedy the night before. “Fuckkkkk,” she groaned, “I think it’s still dead.”
Todd’s memory was hazy, but he knew took at least some steps to figure out exactly where the phone was the night before. “I did the ‘I lost an item’ thing on the app but I haven’t gotten a response yet. It costs like $15 but I guess it’s cheaper than a new iPhone.”
Even though she was passed out an unaware her phone was gone, she couldn’t stop thinking about how this was the longest she’d gone without a phone since the first day she ever stepped foot in an Apple Store.
“Ughhhhhhhh,” she let out. “This is so freaking annoying. Like, what if he steals my phone?”
“Babe, our Uber driver was a woman in her 50s driving a minivan,” he laughed off. “She’s not going to steal your phone. She told me last night that she was tired and we were her last ride for the night so she probably went to bed before even seeing my message.”
“Oh, yeah, sure, Todd, because a woman in her 50s is incapable of stealing a brand new iPhone. Makes total sense.”
It was at that moment that Todd wished he was walking Sperry up and down the block sniffing bushes rather than sitting in bed getting yelled at for a losing a phone he didn’t lose.
A text alert came to her iPad from Caroline. “I want to die,” it said.
While Todd rose from bed and attempted to get dressed, she typed back. “Well at least you didn’t lose your phone last night,” she responded.
“Hahahahahahaha,” Caroline immediately responded. “Do you even remember going home?”
She racked her brain for her last memories of the night. “Uhh…. no… did I do anything stupid?”
“Idk, the last thing I remember is you screaming ‘CHUG IT ARIANA’ while we played flip cup with shots of Burnett’s like we were in high school.”
Terror came over her. It had been months since she had gotten that drunk, so sitting in bed phoneless with fake blood coming out of her nose was defeating to say the least.
She heard the door shut and thanked the heavens that Todd had finally stopped putting up a fight to let Sperry out. Typing back to Caroline, she admitted, “I’m still drunk — can we get brunch?”
With three dots immediately appearing, Caroline told her, “One step ahead of you, just made a rezzie at Health Co.”
“Okay, text T when you get up since my phone got stolen by our Uber driver,” she told her. “I’ll get dressed rn.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
If I have a hangover from Hell there’s no way I’m going to brunch at any place with the word “health” in it. Give me grease dammit!
I let my Tuesday night get away from me and I have to admit to PGP Nation that I let my desire for grease break me and I had two (2) McGriddles for breakfast
I’ll take the greasiest egg and steak bagel sandwich McDonald’s has and wash it down with a large OJ
Blue Powerade with it, not OJ
Yes!
Steak Egg and Cheese bagel is the GOAT of cheap breakfast
I feel like partying with blackout Girl without being responsible for the fallout would be phenomenal.
One of these days Todd has to stand up to her right?
Can’t possibly have the energy to do it today
Low energy Todd
Chronicles of Todd: Finally Standing up for Yourself would be an interesting read
Don’t count on it. It’s outside of DeFries’ wheelhouse.
Things Girls Do After Graduation: It’s Not a Cocaine Habit, It’s a Capillary Problem
Things ExcelJockey does after graduation: post this before reading she didn’t actually have a nosebleed
Damn I kept waiting for some PGP smut to come from the drunk wake-up. *sigh*
y’all know erotica and porn sites exist right?
Yeah but the comment sections aren’t as active as PGP
All time comment 19th
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” she screamed while jumping up out of bed. “Todd, wake up, I left the Eggos out overnight.”
for some reason, the stock photo made me think she’d be yelling “Todd, wake up, I need Plan B NOW.”
I hope Girl’s phone was stolen and then we kick off next week with her unboxing an iPhone XS Max
Its about time I made an appearance. Bonus points since I was annoying a hungover Todd and Girl.
Will DeFries makes John Duda look like Bruce Willis.
A glance into my Thursday morning