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Remember when the only way to lose weight was a good old-fashioned eating disorder? Not anymore. This is the future, baby. There’s more information about weight loss than ever and if you’re still a fat slob, you only have yourself to blame. Lotta people losing weight these days. Keto, Whole 30, apps that get you into 5K shape in three weeks, cycling classes, etc. At some point, you realize that your current diet of golf course weekend diesels, nightly full-bodied reds, and daily Chipotle lunch just ain’t gonna cut it anymore. We’re all running away from the same demon (a receding metabolism), and that demon will have you in its clutches by the time you’re in your late 20s or early 30s if you haven’t reeled in your diet. Next thing you know, you’re a bloated mess who gets winded after a flight of stairs. Sad. Time to do something about it.
So, you’re thinking about losing weight. It’s a huge commitment. Unfortunately, everyone is terrified of commitment. You gotta put your eyes on the prize and accomplish a goal for once in your damn life. Not to brag, but actually to brag, I’ve dropped 60 pounds in the last six months with the keto diet. That’s it. I just stopped eating like shit, moved a little more each day, treated refined carbs like poison, and the weight started flying off. I’m still not where I want to be, but that’s not gonna stop me from writing words on the internet and acting like an expert after a few months of fad dieting.
*I definitely am not an expert and always consult your doctor before starting any diet or fitness plan. Just because this worked for me doesn’t mean it will work for you.
Baby Steps
The weak are weeded out here. The minute you take away their precious wine, ice cream, bread and tater tots, they become frail little babies. Sorry, but those nightly “mama needs her juice!” Insta stories are gone. If you’re boozing during the week, you’re not serious about dropping lbs. The longer these basic bitches and bros are away from sugar, booze and bread, the weaker they become. You must trudge on through the mud and stick with it long enough to actually see results instead of giving in and dropping $12 at Taco Bell because you had a “stressful day at work.” You know who else had a stressful day at work? Every other employed person in the world. Humans are wired for stress. We have been for thousands of years. How you respond to that stress is what matters. Just like Jocko says: Discipline equals freedom. One day at a time. If you step on the scale every day in the first month, you’re gonna have a bad time.
Close Friend Says Something Early On
They knew something was up when you went with the Cobb Salad over the chicken fingers with extra ranch. “You trying to lose weight? I thought you looked different.” What a backhanded compliment. “Yeah, I thought you looked different” = “You’re not a bloated mess today. Congrats.” They know you’re in the early stages of your diet, so they don’t want to discourage you and derail everything. They also don’t want to heap on the praise to give you a false sense of accomplishment. They genuinely come off as supportive, which is awesome and only serves to motivate you even more.
Feeling Good and Looking Better
The clothes fit better, energy levels are higher, general mood is better, sleeping like a baby, you got your first big win on the scale, your libido actually exists again, you got caught checking yourself out in storefront windows, taking shirtless mirror selfies that get put in your iPhone’s Hidden folder. You’re spending more money on clothes, which is easily the biggest pain in the ass out of all that. Who knew that wearing XXLs actually made you look like a human washing machine and are actually the size of small throw blankets? Slim fits are back in play, baby.
“You look great!”
All this means is that for all those years, you refused to tell me I look like shit. Which means you’re a good friend. You ignored my bloated face and permanently growing ass while I ate and drank my way to type 2 diabetes and an early grave. Didn’t matter. Like a true soulmate, my looks didn’t matter to you. Just the quality of my companionship. That’s real. You accepted me for who I am, holding back concern for my health in hopes that I’d eventually get it figured out. Now, you’re proud of me and praying that I don’t put it all back on over the holidays. It means a lot.
The Glow-Up
Why did you want to lose weight in the first place? Longer life? Better quality of life? Reduced healthcare costs? No. You lost weight so you could look fantastic and date good looking people like the true narcissist you are. Hit ‘em with the glow-up. You’ve been slowly but surely dropping lbs for the last few months and suddenly, the cute girl in line at Starbucks held her gaze a little longer, the conventionally attractive cashier at Home Goods really laid the giggles on thick, an old fling slid into the DMs after a full body shot of you surfaced in a friend’s story, the hot girl in the elevator at least thought about it, if only for a second. Stack those wins. This is the best fringe benefit of weight loss if you’re single, there’s no argument about it. If you’re not single, congratulations on a revitalized sex life with your partner who no longer thinks you’re a complacent, disgusting slob who let themselves go less than six months into the relationship.
Everyone Hates You
Everyone deep down inside knows how to lose weight. Eat less bad foods, drink less booze, move your body. It is not rocket science. It is not your genetics. If you really wanted to lose weight, you would. All you gotta do is make better choices in the kitchen and stop eating out at restaurants most of the time. There are no shortcuts! Go on a short walk every night after dinner! Take an hour on Sundays to meal prep some tasty, healthy lunches and dinners to save yourself time! There’s a really great app I use to track my calories and macros, you should look into it! You hate me yet? Does this nonstop weight loss cliche train make you angry and think less of me as a person? You heard enough yet? I mean, you were the one asking me how I lost all this weight. Just because you might hate me for being honest about how to lose weight doesn’t make me wrong.
For real, if you’re thinking about losing weight, just do it. It’s really not that hard once you get going and stick with it consistently. If I can do it, you can do it. Hate to get all sappy and preachy, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
The greatest gift you can give is your time, so why don’t you go out there and buy yourself some. My motivational speaking tour begins in Summer 2019. Thank you. .
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Adderall.
This was how I lost my initial college weight gain. Wasn’t the most ethical route to take, but it worked.
i avoided it in college and law school, but this may be a reason to give in…
Being stuck at “baby steps” for the last year. PGP.
Eggs for breakfast and replace everything you drink with water. Guaranteed you’ll drop at least a few lbs the first week.
Already did that, hence the baby steps.
I dropped $12 at Taco Bell before Noon today…this hits close to home.
I felt attacked as well
Ate an entire container of Nutter Butter bites reading this, but it’s ok, because I ran this morning…right, guys?
right.
I lost 50 lbs over a year, but then got a hernia and have stalled out on the weight loss. It’s been 6 months of sitting at 200 lbs and I’m getting tired of not being at my goal weight, but beer is too good. Reentering baby steps is a pain in the butt.
I feel your pain. My discs are dead and are permanently herniated. It has taken awhile but I have figured out what I can and can’t do. Swimming is a great option.
Name checks out
To the swim guy. Damn it. When’s that edit button coming.
MyFitnessPal. I meticulously track my calories. 1600 a day nothing more, eating 5 small meals. The best thing is that I’ve gotten into a routine where I more or less know what I’ll eat day to day. Also it’s great working out 3 times a week for like 1:45 each workout, so much more energy.
I read this entire article in an infomercial voice
B Rye won the silent auction and got gassed up on Twitter so he shoved it in our faces.
Respect, king.
Big ups to you big guy. As a guy who’s metabolism has been glacial at best since about 15, I know how hard that weight is to lose. Just about 40lbs down on the IF plan, a couple more to go
The biggest thing I would also say to is be a little antisocial the first 30 days unless you have a buddy losing weight with you- Avoid going out so you are not tempted and get meal envy when you order the Cobb salad and they get the triple cheeseburger