Starbucks Is Spelling Your Name Wrong Because You’re A Part Of Their Master Plan

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I wouldn’t consider myself to be a “conspiracy theorist.” I entertain conspiracies, yes, but I don’t go on adderall-fueled Wikipedia conquests — you know, unless it’s about Avril Lavigne, who definitely died in 2003.

But really, there are clearly theories out there that make way too much sense. Michael Jordan definitely played baseball as a suspension for gambling rather than as a tribute to his dad. iPhone batteries decline the second new iPhones come out. Facebook is listening to you through your smart phone’s microphone. These are all facts and I defy you to convince me otherwise.

My senior quote in high school was, “You can do a hell of a lot more damage inside the system than outside of it,” so yeah, you could say I’ve always been a little suspicious of The Man™. Deep down, I’d like to think that 31-year-old generic brand me still has some of the punk rock inside of him that he enjoyed oh-so-much in high school. Sure, I can’t listen to an Anti-Flag album anymore because it’ll give me a panic attack, but I still believe that this machine kills fascists.

This fall — more than ever — I defy you to look closely at the man. Let’s go straight to the top. No, not McDonald’s. I’m not talking about Walmart. No, I’m talking about the legal drug dealer who makes their nut every fall — Starbucks.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but they’ve already released Pumpkin Spiced Lattes and it’s not even October yet. This isn’t news because it happens every year despite the lunacy of it. It’s kind of like showing commercials for The Masters while football’s still on — they know people will get fully torqued for it despite how early it is.

Unfortunately, I’m not here to talk to you about PSLs. Yes, I’m fully aware that sugar is the silent killer per reports, but what I’m trying to open everyone’s eyes to something bigger. The marketing campaign that they’ve been silently running for years.

I’ve theorized this before, but let’s do it again for good measure — if you think for one second that Starbucks employees aren’t told to intentionally misspell names so their cups get posted on Instagram stories as a means of free marketing, Corporate America owns all the real estate in your brain.

Rarely do I go to Starbucks. #SupportLocal and all that bullshit. Really, it’s just because their coffee isn’t all that good and the lines are shorter at local places, but that’s neither here nor there. I know I can order through the app, but you’re absolutely off your rocker if you think I’m giving them more of my personal information than they deserve.

But a couple weeks ago, I got desperate. I was minding my own business in America’s Worst Airport (Chicago O’Hare) when I realized that I needed coffee. Frankly, I had been up since 3 a.m. and I knew I wouldn’t make it through the next episode of Ozark without it.

That’s when I saw this.

i mean come on pic.twitter.com/JUfsw7slU0

— will defries (@WilldeFries) September 5, 2018

Despicable.

“Willens.”

Have you ever in your life seen anything like this? Willens. Fucking Willens. I know pretty much every kid is named Braeydyn and Kaeighlee these days, but Willens?

When she asked me for my name for my tall iced americano, I told her flat out, “Will.” It’s not a difficult one to understand. I know this because it’s a fucking helping verb and most of you say it probably a hundred times a day.

Luckily for me, I’m smarter than their average customer. I know that when these employees are hired, they sign a blood oath that reads something like this:

I, a current Starbucks employee, vow to spell any and every name I come across incorrectly — especially when Pumpkin Spice Lattes are in season — because I know that people will post them on their Instagram stories with crying-laughing Emojis stating how ridiculous it is that we can’t spell names like “Sarah” and “Tim.” Should I divulge that I was instructed to do so by a member of Starbucks corporate, I will join the Witness Protection Program and cut off all ties from my family and friends forever.

X _________________________________

I’d like you to answer this question for me — if you were a multi-million dollar corporation and I told you that you could completely slash your marketing budget because it would be crowdfunded by Instagram and Snapchat users, would you do it? Uh, duh, no brainer. Why pay for promotion when customers will pay you to do it themselves? Exactly, you wouldn’t.

This strategy is so blatant that I almost respect it. Yes, they’re prying on us sheeple, but why wouldn’t they as long as we let them?

I’m not asking you to stop going to Starbucks. I’m not begging you to shop local. I’m not even telling you to stop posting stories when they spell your name as “Carrolyne” rather than “Caroline.” I’m just asking that you keep your head on a swivel and know that Starbucks is using you. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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