Ranking My Celebrity Crushes Through The Years

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Everyone has had a celebrity crush. Whether you pick a popular one (Carrie Underwood, Brad Pitt, Michael B. Jordan) or lesser known figure, you’ve joined the masses in toeing the line of “Stanning.” Our celebrity crushes pave the way for sexual growth and personal preference. Constantly changing over the years, a look back on some of my own faux love interests reveals a lot about my personality and sometimes questionable tastes. I’ve compiled a list and rankings of some notable choices spanning my lifetime for your judging pleasure.

(1999) Johnny Kapahala — 5/10

Long gone are the days of true Disney Channel movies. Most of us grew up on that shit, and I know you didn’t forget about the extreme sports classic Johnny Tsunami. This film was an instant hit for me, not only was I living in Hawaii with my family, it was one of the first films that featured someone with the same ethnic background as me. The movie is an ace, and Johnny himself was perfect in my preteen eyes.

My very first celeb crush, I would doodle scenes from the movie in my sketchpad, and plan my eventual nuptials for when I became Mrs. Kapahala. While I still love the movie, I discovered later in life the actor Brandon Baker, is pretty much white, and the whole “Happa” Hawaiian thing was a ruse. While he may have played an Urchin, Brandon was really a Sky. This ended any hope of us being together and killed my crush.

(2006) Brody Jenner — 4/10

Middle school was underway, and the only thing I cared about was watching The Hills. Still prepubescent, I didn’t fully grasp the concept of why men were enticing (or what they could offer me in the future) but I did know that something about Brody Jenner was “smoochable” in my 12-year-old mind. The older I got, the more I came to realize that Brody wasn’t that special or even that hot. While I don’t hold it again my young self for being pulled in by the scruff and perfect teeth, I have since learned my lesson about men who are too big for their own britches.

(2010) Lucas Vercetti — 2/10

The tides began to change in high school. I’d taken a new path of self-identity, and the indie band tee shirts began to fill up my wardrobe. As my new-found alt aesthetic developed, I needed a crush to go along with it. Lucas Vercetti was a skateboarder I discovered through an Odd Future music video. I was entranced by his heroine-chic look, and reckless hate for the establishment. Lucas was the first picture I used on my new iPhone, and one of the earliest Twitter accounts I ever followed. The crush dissipated quickly. He was perhaps a little too hardcore for my liking. Plus, I stumbled across a magazine interview he’d done and it was clear he’s a huge dick and extremely misogynistic.

(2013) Shemar Moore — 9/10

I spent a lot more time watching Criminal Minds than was probably healthy. For a period of about three months, I was coming home from classes and immediately watching as many episodes as possible before it was time to turn in for the night. From this brief obsession, I gained a new crush that came packaged up in the thicc and dreamy body of Special Agent Derek Morgan. He was smart, hot, and could probably kill me with his bare hands.

In adulthood at the time, I had a better understanding of what a celebrity crush was really for: making up fantasies. Gone were the days of planning our future children’s names. Instead, I was making the most of my imagination and a weekend with an empty apartment. The crush has since died down, but I do owe Shemar a very big thank you for all the great times he provided.

(2015) Zayn Malik — 3/10

Following off the Shemar rush, I quickly found myself smitten with former One Direction member Zayn Malik. Around the time of my infatuation, he started dating Gigi Hadid, and pictures of them were popping up all over. They were an adorable couple, and I was happy for Gigi while at the same time hoping Zayn would break up with her and date me, the girl he had never met who lived on the other side of the country. I listed to Pillowtalk on repeat for a few weeks, followed him on Instagram, and rode the wave until the obsession passed in less than a month. While Zayn is gorgeous, his personality fell a little flat for me. Plus, he’s British, so that means most likely uncircumcised.

(2016) Rami Malik — 10/10

Two Maliks in a row! Rami Malik caught my eye through a favorite television show, MR. ROBOT, on which he played the main character Elliot Alderson. I had seen him before as a child in Night at the Museum, but this time was different. His unconventional beauty really got me going. This crush never really went away. For years now, he has held a special place in my heart. It’s not as juvenile/creepy as making YouTube tribute videos, but also not as forgotten like some of my previously mentioned interests. Instead, Rami falls right in the middle of the spectrum. I will excitedly see his movies or read articles about him and smile, but that’s about it. Truly, it’s more of respect and affection than lust.

(2017) Nick Mullen — 5/10

In true 21st century fashion, I developed a strange crush on a podcast host who more or less leads a normal life. With the accessibility offered by social media, I could know more about a stranger than ever possible, and develop a strange attraction and disgust all wrapped into one. He wasn’t Hollywood famous like the others. For once in my life, I’d picked a celeb that had something no one else had: accessibility. It was unreal to think that I could easily message him online and receive a response. Unlike anyone else on the list, I got to meet this one in person. It was anti-climactic, and a good reminder that celebrity crushes are best from afar.

I’m currently in a bit of a celeb crush lull. If you have any recommendations for hotties I’m missing out on, send them my way. I could always use some more pining in my life. .

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Kell

future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.

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