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Eric stared at his phone screen, mesmerized in horror at the picture that was staring back at him. He had been having a pretty good day, up until he received a dreaded notification from Facebook, informing him that Jack had tagged him in a photo.
At first, he was confused. Why would Jack be uploading a picture to Facebook? No one in his age range used Facebook anymore, at least for anything other than to create events and remember their friends birthdays. Secondly, Jack was never big on social media. He posted pictures to Instagram a couple times a year, used Snapchat solely to interact with girls he met on dating apps and ignored Twitter altogether. So why the sudden decision to post a photo?
Now that he was staring at it, Eric instantly knew why. It wasn’t just a bad photo. It was the worst photo. It had been taken at Kyle’s pool party last weekend, and featured himself, Jack, and Kyle; all sunburnt as shit, and not one of them looking sober enough to spell their own name. And while all of that was a bad look, Eric wasn’t even worried about it. Instead, he was transfixed, staring in disgust at his own shirtless body.
“Fuck me,” he thought as he held the phone at different angles, hoping against hope for a different outcome. “Am I really that fucking fat? I mean, I was ingesting nothing but burgers and beer all day, and the angle is not great but…shit. That’s not a good look. Of course, Jack posted this fucking photo, too. He knows exactly what he’s doing. What a shithead.”
As if on cue, he started receiving texts in the group chat.
Andrew [1:44pm]: Hey @Eric nice pic of you last weekend. Looking like the before photo in a belly band surgery ad.
Kyle [1:45pm]: Lmao I was going to be mad that Jack posted a pic of us all looking like zombies, but it’s totally worth it so we can watch Eric self-destruct over it.
Eric [1:45pm]: Fuck you all, and especially Jack. Sorry I wasn’t flexing for the photo like you boners. Plus, Jack looks like a dad that just lost custody of his kids for being an alcoholic so idk why I’m getting roasted so bad.
Kyle [1:46pm]: Jack does look like shit, which makes it even more admirable that he still chose to post this pic to fuck with you.
Jack [1:46pm]: Sometimes you gotta sink the ship to kill the captain, boys. I might even make it my profile pic.
Eric [1:47pm]: I hate you guys.
Jack [1:47pm]: Love you buddy *kissy emoji*
Eric gently placed his phone face down on his desk as his mind raced. Was he really that out of shape? He worked out most days, for god’s sake. Well, some days. Three days a week. Sometimes two. Shit. It wasn’t his fault he was in a demanding job and didn’t have time to hit the gym every day like some kind of Instagram model.
Still, he knew deep down that wasn’t true. Sure, he worked late hours occasionally, but most days he was done before six. He could easily put in an hour at the gym after work. But he could much more easily just not do that. No, that’s how he ended up like this.
“Damn it, it’s time for a change.” He said to himself. “It’s official. My metabolism is throwing in the flag. Working out isn’t enough, it’s time to actually stop eating like shit. I gotta download one of those carb-counting apps and mix in a salad or whatever. I mean, I feel like I eat pretty healthy as is, it shouldn’t be too hard of a change.”
Even as he heard himself think it, he knew his claim wasn’t true. It was Wednesday, and he had already eaten out three times this week. What was he supposed to do, though? Be one of those guys that meal preps the whole week on Sunday? Say no when his coworkers ask him if he wants to do happy hour? No one liked that guy. He needed guidance. Feedback. Someone to tell him what to do.
Eric turned to his old friend, the internet. With a furrowed brow, he Googled “Normal men diet,” and started scrolling.
“Whole30? Fuck no, I’m not trying to stop drinking and become a total hermit,” he thought. “This one’s an ad for a gym. And this one. And this one’s from some fitness blogger, no thanks. These are all just telling me to eat less and cut out drinking. Thanks, geniuses. No shit. Let’s try something else. I’m just trying to look good naked, is that so much to ask?”
With that, he typed “lose weight get abs quick” into the search bar, and was immediately intrigued by the first option.
“Hmmm, the Keto diet. I’ve heard people talking about this. Shit, Taylor in sales did it and that dude looks cut now. I mean, he also does a bunch of blow, but still. Is that part of it?”
The more Eric researched, the more he liked the idea. “I can still eat a bunch of fat? Bacon, cheese, and cream sauces are Keto friendly? This diet is fucking magic!” He leaned back in his chair, thinking out loud.
“It’s official. As of today, I, Eric, am done being a fat ass. I’m limiting my carb intake and drinking nothing but vodka-sodas and White Claw cans. I can’t wait for the next lake trip. In fact, I may just plan one myself, just to show off my new abs. Fuck Jack, I’m going to be fucking stacked by the end of the month.”
Eric couldn’t wait to start this diet, and the results it would bring. He deep in thought, writing down a regimented meal plan and grocery list for the week when he heard a familiar chime of his work email.
He looked up slowly and read.
“Catered pasta in the break room! Leftovers from our client meeting this afternoon if anyone wants any!”
He glanced at the email, and back down to his grocery list. Back up to the email. And back down to his list. His stomach grumbled. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Every body is beautiful. It’s 2018. That’s what we’re going with now, right?
Spoken like a true man released from the grips of his job, keep knocking them back
Getting Back In The Game: Accepting The Dad Bod
“Normal men diet”
“I’ll just lay off the pizza and beer and I’ll be fine”
nothing better than the classic, “abs in five minutes” ads.
It’s all about how you feel inside y’all. I may be out of shape and about 30lbs above my fighting weight but in my mind I can still peacock around the pool on a Saturday (in reality, I can’t and I shouldn’t)
You can and you should
But did he dip his pen in the company ink???
A lot of these articles hit close to home, but I got hit with a piece of shrapnel from this one
I recently had multiple people tell me I look like I’ve been lifting or lost weight and damn it feels good. For meal prep, I found the easiest lunch. Pre-cooked, frozen chicken breasts, ready to eat bagged veggies(usually broccoli/white broccoli), bell peppers. I can have lunches for the week in 20 min(15 min of that is chicken in oven).
white broccoli? you mean cauliflower?
Hahahaha no way
Hahahahaha white broccoli dude no way
Yeah yeah
lmfao. “White Broccoli” gonna be the next soundcloud rapper to blow up
That lunch 5 days a week sounds so disappointing.
I only have it when I don’t have vendor lunches. 3-4 days a week isn’t too bad. I add hot sauce or different seasonings.
May not be the most imaginative, but it’s damn sure to help you lose some weight.
The multi-colored cauliflower and the riced cauliflower from TJ’s is literally all I eat for vegetables. I was skeptical at first of riced cauliflower but throw some butter in it and nature’s seasoning and you will eat an entire pound. Unless you’re ACTUALLY trying to be healthy, then just eat a cup or something.
“Sorry guys, I don’t want the breakroom pasta. I’m in ketosis” – Eric
Eric needs to get on that nicotine train. It keeps you lean as hell
I gained 20 lbs eating ice cream sandwiches in my bosses office while he was on a “no sugar or wheat of any kind” diet to relieve pressure on his spine before surgery. I regret nothing.