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[Jerry and Elaine sit in their booth at Monk’s, each nursing a cup of coffee. After a beat, George walks in and sits next to Elaine with an agitated huff.]
JERRY: Still upset that the Coffee Bean across the street won’t let you use their bathroom without buying something are you?
GEORGE: No, even though limiting bathroom access to paying customers is an archaic and dangerous practice! Why should I be compelled to indulge in their over-priced products just because they have the cleanest bathroom in a three-block radius!? If I have to —
ELAINE: [Interrupting.] Yeah, yeah we all read your Facebook rant.
JERRY: Didn’t they block you on there as well?
GEORGE: But they can’t stop me from flooding their Yelp page with dummy accounts!
ELAINE: [To Jerry.] If anyone at Coffee Bean asks me, I’m saying he’s just a deranged person who follows me around.
JERRY: That’s what I say about him all the time.
[George gives them both a sarcastic smile and chuckle.]
JERRY: So then what’s the problem?
GEORGE: I was texting with Kathy earlier. Told her I had a lot of fun with her at dinner last Friday, I wanted to see if we could get together this week. First, I get the “read” notification on the text for two hours. Then, she finally responds, saying that she’s “not really sure when she’ll be free to go out again.”
ELAINE: Two hour read message? [George nods.] Well, your ship is sunk, my friend.
JERRY: Yeah, no one has ever left a read notification up that long if they aren’t trying to send a message.
GEORGE: I mean at least be kind to me! Dismiss the pop-up, read the preview, and respond a few hours later! Don’t have me dangling there wondering what you’re going to say just like that pretty-boy poseur who hosted American Idol always used to!
JERRY: Yeah, the read notification limbo. Time can stand still when you’re waiting for that response.
ELAINE: I’m pretty sure Einstein’s theory of relativity was written while he was waiting for a girl to text him back. Alright, so give us the rundown, Georgie. How’d the date go?
GEORGE: [Shrugs.] I don’t know; it was a date. It went how a date usually goes.
JERRY: How does one of your dates usually go?
GEORGE: Poorly.
JERRY: So how’s this one different?
GEORGE: Because normally, I get a pity kiss goodnight and a second date. I buy the woman a meal, she props up my ego by agreeing to see me again — that’s the arrangement!
ELAINE: [Sarcastically.] And a fair one at that. No really, George, what did you do?
GEORGE: I picked her up and we went to that new art gallery off 36th street.
JERRY: The one with the landscape of a castle so you can impress her with your knowledge of medieval history?
GEORGE: [With a sly smile.] Yeah, that’s the one.
JERRY: Okay, and then?
GEORGE: Uh, we went to Romo’s around the corner.
ELAINE: [Gives a low whistle.] Wow, Romo’s; that’s expensive, Georgie.
JERRY: Yeah, I can’t believe that you took this girl to Romo’s and now she’s not giving you the time of day.
GEORGE: Right! I mean, I’m not just taking any plain Jane to Romo’s. The only other woman I considered taking to Romo’s on a first date was Marissa Tomei. She’s just lucky that Romo’s had that 2 for 1 meal special on Groupon. So anyway, after dinner —
ELAINE: [Interrupting.] Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Stumpy. Groupon?
GEORGE: Yeah, there was a good deal and I figured it’d be better to use it to impress her rather than have my “wife” not show up due to an emergency and get the second meal in a to-go box.
ELAINE: And did this deal restrict what or how much you could order?
GEORGE: [In a mixture of slyness and slight embarrassment.] Well, I mean it was just for meals of $40 or less.
ELAINE: $40!? At Romo’s? What did she have, a piece of chicken and a shot of wine?
GEORGE: What? You’re crazy. We split a bottle of wine, she got the nice big salad that she wanted — it was all fine.
JERRY: Now the question is, when she was ordering, did you tell her about this Groupon deal?
GEORGE: I might have mentioned it.
ELAINE: And we have found the source of the radio silence.
GEORGE: What, because I wouldn’t let her eat whatever she wanted? It was a good deal; it made sense.
ELAINE: It’s not just that you told a woman what she could or couldn’t order. You paid for a first date with a Groupon!
GEORGE: So what?
JERRY: Would you pay for a first date with some coupons you clipped out of the Pennysaver?
GEORGE: I don’t see how those two are comparable.
JERRY: [To Elaine.] If mental gymnastics was an Olympic event, no other country would bother sending a competitor against this.
ELAINE: Of course they’re comparable, George! Taking a girl on a date with a Groupon is saying, “I like you, but not as much as I like this deal.”
GEORGE: What’s the difference? She still got a great night out and a nice meal.
ELAINE: With a guy who is so uninspired that he got his idea for a date from a daily email alert alongside natural male enhancement pills that he clearly needs. I mean, do you put any thought or effort into these dates? Do you ask hobos on the street for restaurant recommendations while you’re walking to pick her up, or when you’re out with her do you just pick the nearest hotdog stand?
GEORGE: [Visibly growing irritated.] You know, some women like a man with spontaneity.
ELAINE: No they don’t! George, women love stability. Security. A guy who is self-assured enough to take a girl to a dinner without being concerned about whether or not he can cover it with the promo code on his phone.
GEORGE: Well I’m no Rockefeller! I can’t be expected to match these kids and their expensive dates of laser tags and avocado toast!
JERRY: And the mental gymnast sticks the landing!
ELAINE: Tens across the board!.
Image via Youtube
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….you are doing the lord’s work with these and they are hands down the best thing put out of PGP (except for Micah Monday of course)
Where the hell is the K man!? An egregious omission
True, but Kramer never had to bother going on dates at all. Women practically fell into his lap.
A few months into dating, a girl and I took a road trip to Vegas because a hotel was on Groupon, that girl is now my wife.
Months in, not first date.
Damnit, Jim!
Gold Jerry, gold
Somewhat related, new season of comedians in cars getting coffee is head and shoulders the best one yet. Made the mistake of starting there and trying to go back to past seasons, and they are almost unwatchable in comparison.
You watch the Jim Carey one yet? From season 1 or 2 but that guy is a full blown lunatic
If Kayne was a white comedian and did double the DMT… that’s Jim Carey
Actually, I don’t think Kayne has perfected his Jim Carey bits yet.
I’ve never watched seinfeld and even I enjoyed this. Dont @ me, I was 1-10 years old during the show’s run and didn’t learn about streaming until 2008
Thank you, that’s an incredible compliment. Having said that, the whole series is available on Hulu. Don’t start on season 1, you can easily watch them out of order. If you want a true feel for the show, start with “the Contest” or “the Stakeout.” Two of the classics.
Soup Nazi, one of my favs.. or Big Salad..
I think this needs to be a weekly column.