======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’ve got a secret — somewhat of a cheat code, actually — and I’m ready to clue you in on it. I’ve been holding onto this secret for some time now. I’d like to tell you that like any good scientist, I had to be certain of my findings before publishing them. However, this is not the truth. The truth of the matter is that I am reticent to bring up the mere mention of a date around all of you.
But, when I have the information I do and I fail to share it with you — people I care about — it becomes harder and harder and harder for me to fall asleep at night. I toss and turn for hours. No amount of Dreamwater or horse tranquilizer seems to be able to afford me the escape from this harsh reality I need; the harsh reality is I have solved modern dating, months ago, and I’ve flat our failed to tell you about it.
That ends today.
My lords, my ladies, and everybody else here not sitting on a cushion, the secret to dating is this: if you pre-game your date, your date will go well. 11 times out of 10, in fact.
Now, I must clear this up. Pre-gaming your date does not mean have a beer or two and call it a day. It does not mean to throw back so many shots that you end up so drunk you can’t see your phone screen clearly. No. There’s a special in-between. It’s the point where your buzz is strong but your words do not slur. Your head feels slightly heavier, you’re always in danger of tripping but you never do. It’s the point where you’re too drunk to drive a car, but not drunk enough that you instinctively know to give up your keys. It’s the drunk where you agree to the two-week trip to Europe with your buddies but you know not to agree to a six-month Southeast Asian backpacking idea.
Got it? Okay, that’s step one. You may have already known about step one. Good, great, grand, wonderful. Nobody is shocked. This is not news.
But what happens when X meets Y? When Paul met George. When Abbott met Costello. When Harry met Sally. When Boy met World. That’s when we start to cook.
See, you can’t just get this buzzed on your own. You must do it with one buddy. Maybe two. But no more than two. And pick a bar. A quiet one but still a place to drink out in public. It can’t be in your apartment. It just can’t. It’s too comfortable. You can’t be drinking in a place where you have access to the clicker. You can’t be sitting on a couch. You can’t have the comfort of your own home. You have to be at a bar. Listen, I don’t make the rules I just follow the scripture of the dating Gods that’s been passed down to me, like a modern day Moses, only instead of parting the Red Sea we’re trying to part, errrr, anyway, back to the point.
So you’re at a bar, you’re with a friend, and you’re putting on a strong little buzz. And just chat a while. An hour. Maybe ninety minutes. Talk with your buddy. Talk with the bartender. Fuck it, talk to the stranger at the bar next to you. Like any good athlete, you’ve to loosen up before the big game. Gotta warm up those muscles. Build up a confidence to the point that you know the date will go well. Get to the point where you can’t not be yourself. Be comfortable just chatting in the bar environment while you gas yourself up.
This all started back in late January when I met my buddy Steam for a glass of red prior to a first date of his. Well, lo and behold, the bartender overheard we were New Englanders (as was he), so we spent an hour gushing over Tom Brady (as is customary in New England culture), and sure enough the bartender took a liking to us to the point of three full glasses of red and three free shots of Jameson. T-minus fifteen minutes to date time and Steam was freaking out about being maybe slightly too drunk to be going on a first date.
As I began to cross the street to head home and let Steam find his way to his date, I instinctively grabbed him by the shoulders and I said, “Steam, you’re in rare form right now. Your jokes are on point. You’re being yourself right now. She’s going to get the real Steam. Better she sees it now, rather than three dates in. You’ve got this, Bee.” And, with an ass slap reserved only for high school baseball coaches and best friends, I sent that goofy motherfucker on his way to his date.
The report came in the next morning by telegram: the polls were in. 100% approval rates across the board. Steam had never had a better date in his life. Lady just begging him to come home with her. And just like that, a tradition was born. Pre-gaming dates in 2018 became a thing. A mantra. And it’s working out almost too well. It’s the simple solution to calm the nerves, gas yourself up, and take the dating stage like a comedian in their prime at a sold out Madison Square Garden. The dating commissioner may ban pre-gaming dates because it’s a performance enhancing drug that works better than whatever the Russians were putting in Ivan Drago’s oatmeal in Rocky IV.
Okay, now you have the wisdom. Get out there and freak-a-leek this weekend. .
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
After 3 glasses of wine and 3 shots of Jameson, I’m going to bed not on a date.
…and waking up with a hangover probably.
Two vodka sodas and I’m off to sweep you off your feet. My friends are kind of degenerates so I’d be worried about meeting them beforehand only to have them follow me to the date spot and sit two tables away.
What the Russians were giving Drago in the end could not overcome the fighting spirit of Balboa, don’t rely on substances to excel in dates, rely on your own ingenuity
Sometimes I accomplish this by arriving to the date location early enough to get a buzz and make friends with the bartender / surrounding patrons. 10/10 would recommend this tactic.
100% this, gotta turn the home field advantage somehow.
That was a nice “A Knights Tale” reference you slipped in there, R.I.P. in peace Heath.
Identity theft is not a joke sir
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
I maintain that is one of Paul Bettany’s best roles. I will die on this hill.
It’s in the execution of the beers. Theres a space between 2 and 4 beers where you’re not sure if it has hit you yet and if you should grab another. I instinctively always get another but if you can tell yourself no, then you’ll be good to go.
Not sure if the fact that I pre-game 90% of social obligations where alcohol is involved makes me a genius or a functioning alcoholic.
As long as it doesn’t disturb your day to day. Also as long as you don’t make an ass out of yourself.
Get home from work, strip down to your scivvies, crack open a beer (curbs the hunger and shift your mindstate). After finishing said beer, make yourself a cocktail to sip as you get dressed and ready with a good playlist and sports center on mute. Anchors up and call your uber.
“But how do I know if it’s really a date?” If you have to ask…
I agree that you shouldn’t pregame at your own place. If I have two beers on my couch I’ll end making up an excuse to not go on the date. Immediately followed by getting horizontal and falling asleep to Chef’s Table.