======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
There’s an attitude that one has when they elect to stay in on a Friday night. The week prior was a challenge for whatever reason, and the energy just wasn’t there after work on Friday to warrant going to a bar and closing the place down.
You ordered food in for the evening, threw a two and half hour movie on, and bingo bango you were asleep by midnight. But what the hell is the point of staying in if you can’t let all of your friends know the next day that you’re feeling like a million bucks? Half of the reason you want to stay in is so that on Saturday you can wake up and rub it in everyone else’s face that you’re really into health and wellness.
It’s really fun to troll your friends, and I can’t think of anything more annoying than lying in bed hungover on Saturday morning and seeing one of my buddies doing some productive shit while I sweat out last night’s five vodka sodas in bed.
Here are the best ways to really drive the point home to friends and family alike that you’re a healthy person who did not in fact go out on Friday night.
Disclaimer: if you’re under a certain age (say, < 25) you could theoretically do all of these activities hungover, but it’d be tough. I’m at an age now where the only way I’m doing any of this stuff is if I stayed in the night prior. Please clap.
Hop in the group chat and tell them you’ve got a brunch reservation.
After repeatedly telling this same group chat just nine or ten hours ago that you would be staying in, you hit them with a message around 9:30 a.m. on Saturday morning.
Wake up. Got us all a res at [insert overpriced, popular brunch destination here] at 11:00 a.m. Looking forward to seeing everyone there!
Now there’s a chance that not everyone is going to show up, but there’s always someone down in the group chat to begin day drinking after a night out. Also be warned — you may get some hurtful text messages in return. Stuff like “fuck off and die i have a category four hangover rn,” but just try to ignore it.
The enthusiasm will shine through in your correctly punctuated text message and let everyone know that you’re not hungover in the slightest. Lord over everyone else at the brunch table by ordering a drink with alcohol in it and being the only one in the group who doesn’t wince while you sip.
Book an early tee time for one.
Getting out on the course super early on a Saturday morning is a personal pleasure of mine. It’s not only an opportunity to calibrate your game; it’s also just peaceful as hell to get out on the links alone every once in a while.
Get a tee time for nine holes at 7:00 a.m. when the only people out on the course are going to be a couple of elderly dudes and one ranger. Walk the course with a bag on your back and enjoy the fresh dew on the grass.
Bring a 32 oz. lemon lime Gatorade (or whatever your favorite flavor is) and start sending picturesque Snapchats to all of your degenerate friends who are still laying in bed. Documenting this on social media is key. No one is going to know you’re an early tee time guy who doesn’t drink on Fridays unless you start #posting.
You’ll be finished with nine holes by 9:00 a.m.-ish and the world is still very much your oyster, my friend. You’ve got the rest of the day ahead of you to do whatever the hell you want because guess what? You’re not hungover. Congrats, champ.
Farmers market with your S.O. or F.W.B.
The good news with this one is it requires no social media posting from you. Your girlfriend or whoever you’re currently bumping uglies with will be so thrilled to hear that you want to go to a farmers market on a Saturday morning that they’ll post all necessary photos for you.
After all, you’re not really dating someone until you go to a farmers market over the weekend and get cutesy pictures together holding iced coffees and looking at fresh strawberries. Your friends will eventually see these pics and be equal parts jealous, happy, and annoyed that you finally found someone to do this stupid shit with.
Grab a coffee at your favorite locally owned shop and take a stroll.
The last thing I want to do on a hungover Saturday morning is take a fucking walk about town. Get the hell out of here with your “activities.” This is another one that requires social media posting, but just put it on your IG story (after giving it a touch up on VSCO, of course) in the same vein as your favorite account on the internet and rub it in further with a caption that says something like “Nothing like a post-workout cappuccino!”.
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Teeing off when there is still dew on the ground >>>
My favorite part of the early tee time is thinking you’re flushing it that day (until the first tee) because it’s too dark to see on the driving range
If you’re going to the farmers market with your FWB, you’re a lunatic
Least smug way: pic of something you’re doing with your small child(ren) letting everyone know you have no time money or motivation to do anything fun ever again.
7 weeks into parenthood with twin girls. Clearly I have a lot to look forward to.
Eventually this site will need to transform into whatever is after PGP, the same as everyone moving on from TFM. Ideas?!
PHP…Parenthood Problems.
“The Four Smuggest Ways to Tell Your Friends With Kids How Great Your Weekend Was”
Pushing Forty
Duda loves to stir the pot
I, for one, love Duda. If you don’t have haters, you aren’t living hard enough. Gotta create occasional chaos to keep things interesting.
He just wants to watch the world burn while he sits on his air mattress in a flowing tunic. I respect it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Duda truther. Favorite writer on here by a long shot.
“I got home around 8 last night. We made a homemade pizza and I fell asleep before the second episode of Triple D ended. Sorry I missed out. Y’all get into anything fun?”
“Y’all get into anything fun?” is cold fucking blooded.
With all these activities, the best part is imagining your buddies seeing you enjoying life in your IG story while they wake up to a violent hangover.
bingo bango
Play PubG all night until the next morning because life is a prolonged void of Imperial level boredom lol
The biggest psycho move is doing the Saturday morning stroll hungover. So pleasant with a good amount of rest. So horrible if you went out.
playing only 9 holes is the “one week cocktail” of golf. for the record hate both of the moves
I played a 12 hole course when I was back in Michigan a few weeks ago and it was quite literally the perfect amount of golf
13 is usually where I’m happy to still be playing but would be just as happy skipping to the 19th
Yeah, 18 is the best, but it’s hard to beat a quick 9 after work on a fall or spring evening
weak* taking a lap rn