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I’m sure most of you are reading the title of this article and trying to figure out how this situation could be possible. Let me set the stage a little to avoid any confusion. As I’ve mentioned before in a previous article about how little attachment I feel to my alma mater, I transferred to a small, Christian, private college from a large state school at my parent’s behest. To those of you unfamiliar with how these schools run, it boils down to a shit ton of rules that no adult should have to follow.
It all begins with a gag gift.
The winter of my sophomore year, I was at a white elephant Christmas party and ended up walking out with the gift that keeps on giving: The best mini vibrator that Spencer’s had to offer. At the time, I was big loser with limited sexual knowledge and absolutely no prior experience with masturbation. While the gift had been a prank, I decided to give the thing a go.
Without going into too much detail, I will share that for the first time in my life I realized what it felt like to actually have an orgasm. I was in love with an inanimate object. Weekends that my dorm mate would be home offered up some of the best times of my life. Fast forward a few weeks, and my kingdom of clitoral stimulation bliss suddenly fell apart around me.
Word had gotten to the Student Affairs Office, or whatever group of squares handled rule breaking, that my roommate and I were potentially harboring alcohol in our dorm. Operating strictly off someone’s word and no actual evidence, campus safety did a full sweep of the room during a period when we were away for a break. While no alcohol was found, we did have a large supply of candles, a space heater, and a lovely pink vibrator, in the room, all of which were against school policy.
When I got the email explaining what they had found and that I would have to report to an advisory board about it, I was almost in shock over how bizarre the situation was. For starters, I kept my vibrator shoved inside of a pillowcase that was covering a pillow tucked through the back-metal bar of my bed. Whoever searched the room had gone to town shoving their greasy hands in every corner of our personal space if they had been able to find it. Secondly, I can understand how our candles and heater were safety hazards, but to get reprimanded for going to town on myself in the privacy of my own room was something else.
Originally, I tried to pretend like nothing had happened and ignore the email, but they made it very obvious this problem wasn’t going to go away on its own. I ended up having to sit down with a group of college staff, including the Resident Director, the Dean of Students, and someone from Campus Security. I explained the device belonged to me only (my roommate and I originally were both going to have to take the heat, as if we were two nasty weirdos who shared a vibrator, a normal thing for two friends to do) and then had to write out a statement and formal apology to the school. I don’t think I need to explain how uncomfortable the conversation was or how ridiculous it was writing out “I apologize for giving the student body a bad name with my actions.”
I ended up getting stuck with a fine somewhere around $150, and I also had to complete a sexual addiction therapy course with the campus health center even though I wasn’t sexually active at the time. I sat through a few weeks of sessions in a women’s office and cut out magazine collages on what sex made me feel and how I used it to fill voids in my life. I ended the program with a note from the therapist stating that I was in fact not a sex addict. Big shocker there.
I never got my vibrator back after it was taken from me. I’m curious if the security officer who confiscated it from the room threw it away, or held onto it like a perv. Eventually, I replaced it myself after my sex counseling ended. I learned my lesson after the whole ordeal, and the second time around I found a much better hiding space. .
Respond
Kell
future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.
@backpackfanclub
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What was the new hiding place? Describe it in detail, please
If you were in love with it, why didn’t you take it home over break to meet the parents? Probably hurt the little guy’s feelings
Did you go to some weirdo Mormon college or what the fuck? That is absurd that this happened at a university in the 2010s.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your school.
“…small, private, Christian school”
And this is how sexually-repressed, uber-religious people become the ones that actually have the biggest freak flags to fly once they’re behind closed doors.
I mean I get it, the super religious are ducked up, I was raised in a church and went to bible camps in the summer as a child but this is still fucking crazy.
You could literally buy subsidized vibrators from my school
Takes the term “playing hide the pickle” to a whole new, mildly less erotic level
Did you go to Eastern university?
I’m going to hazard a guess that you went to Grove City College. My ex went there and this sounds exactly like it.
I was guessing Duquesne, apparently condoms are not allowed in the dorms there.
tnt white elephant function.
Wow what a shitty school that sounds awful.