Just A Casual Convo Between 2 Gals About Getting Their Pubes Lasered Off

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As with most females in this crazy society, I’m always looking for ways to better myself. And by “better” myself, I mean become a hotter version of myself. Sure, I know the easy answer: Go to the gym, eat fewer carbs, and maybe develop even the slightest bit of muscle tone.

But, alas, that’s not really my style. I don’t want to work to be hotter. I just want to be hotter. I want to pay someone a lump sum of money for them to give me a fraction of a point more on the hotness scale. That’s more my speed. So, naturally, I look into easy ways that I can up my attractiveness without actually trying. Coloring my hair, tanning my skin, getting plastic surgery — you name it, and I’ve either done it or spent hours Googling it.

And now, in the newest edition of “Rachel Wants To Be Attractive But She Doesn’t Really Want To Try,” I give you: Laser Hair Removal.

For the longest time, I’ve been intrigued by this idea. Having someone do some sci-fi shit to my hairy parts and then voilà! No more hair! But since I’m, how you’d say, “a little bitch” with pain and fiscally irresponsible, it just didn’t make sense. Recently, however, more and more of my friends have been taking the plunge, and I’m nothing if not a follower.

So, I reached out to one of my best friends, bridesmaids, and overall hairy human, Cristina Montemayor, via G-chat yesterday to get her opinion and here’s the convo, transcribed. Read, learn, and be subjected to more vagina talk that you ever truly knew was possible.

R: You did laser, right?

Now, I was 99.99% certain she had done laser. Between writing about it, tweeting about it, and a few drunken conversations that I couldn’t quite remember, I basically knew the answer. Still, I needed to lube the entrance. A gentle way to approach this *extremely sensitive* topic.

C: Duh. You know how hairy I am.

And yet, there she is with the truth bombs. Again, it is no secret how hairy this bitch is. She has, verbatim, called herself a Wooly Mammoth, so like. It’s fine. Still, I wanted to be respectful.

R: Lol, true. You’re disgusting.

Nailed it.

R: Did you do a Brazilian?

For those of you who don’t know (which is shocking but hey, I’m just here to inform), there’s not just one way to get the hair removed from your vagina. There’s bikini, Brazilian, French (AKA a landing strip), and so on. Some places call different things by different names, but for the purposes of this convo, a Brazilian = all hair down there, gone. Removed. Taken away. I’m talking, sides, inners, and asshole. The whole shebang.

C: You know it.

Again, I did, in fact, know this. But now that is was confirmed, it was time to extract the info.

R: I’m thinking of doing it, but I’m scared.

But first, a little coddling was in order.

C: Hahaha it’s fine. Don’t be a little bitch.

Helpful. Exactly what I was looking for.

R: I mean like, how many times do you have to go? And how long do you wait in between sessions?

As mentioned, I’m not good with pain. Like, at all. So, the fact that I would not only subject myself to pain once but over and over again, was the sole reason I stayed on the shaving train for far too long.

C: They say 5-6 times? And you wait 5 weeks in between sessions.

SIX times? SIX. That’s some sadistic ass shit right there.

R: Ughhh that’s a lot. What was the cost?

Because the gift of being hairless can’t exactly be cheap, right? There’s why there are always discounts on the radio as summer rolls around and reminds you that you’re fat, ugly, hairy, and in no way ready for swimsuit season.

C: I just checked my bank account, and I paid $110 this last time but my first session was $40. They run specials all the time so your first one is usually half off or something. But to me, it’s worth it because a wax is like $50-$60? And this costs two waxes but lasts way longer. I’ve shaved one time since I got this second round of laser, and like, I didn’t even need to. My hair is so fine now.

Totally called it on the discounts. Still, the whole wax thing wasn’t really a draw to me because, well…

R: I have never had someone do something to my vagina. Cosmetically.

I’ve had plenty of stuff done that *wasn’t* cosmetic, though, if you get my drift. But subjecting my fun bits to non-sexual pain? And PAYING for it? Yeah, not really my thing.

C: Like, even a wax?

*Le sigh.*

R: Not even a wax.

She said, with shame, embarrassment, and the feeling that she wasn’t actually a grown woman.

C: Oh, wow. Ugh, white people.

Now, Cristina says “white people” to almost everything I do. While her Hispanic heritage does make her off-white (her words, not mine), she loves the fucking Kardashians and considers Starbucks a food group. Don’t let her tanned skin fool you. Still, if she’s not making fun of the fact that I’m not Catholic, she’s making fun of my light skin and blonde hair. It’s called love, okay?

R: STFU. Like, IDK what to do. Do I spread my cheeks? My lips?

Visions of bending over an exam table and spreading my ass cheeks open while a small woman with a coal miner’s hat takes the plunge danced in my head.

C: I think waxing is worse.

First of all, that whole “waxing is worst” argument doesn’t help me in the slightest. I was hoping for a, “you literally don’t feel anything” answer. Still, at least she didn’t say it hurt more than waxing. Right? RIGHT?!

C: And, no. You butterfly your legs. They’ll do all the work. And then for the butthole, you lay on your side and they go at it. Honestly, the fact that I pay someone to be that close to my lady bits is insane.

Not sure which part makes my anxiety spike more. The “butterfly your legs” part, the “for the asshole, you lay on your side and they go at it” part, or the sheer fact that someone is going to be head first in my cooch with the added torture of harsh lighting and small talk.

R: My palms are sweaty.

Seriously. It’s like all of my sweat glands were in overdrive. I had to literally get up and turn down the air conditioner from a respectable 74 to a chilly 70. That’s how tense I was getting.

C: It is v invasive. But they’re so chill about it. They see a million vaginas a day.

Honestly, I don’t care how chill they are. Every other human in the universe is more chill than me. A surgeon doing his/her first ever procedure is more chill than I am on any given day (probably not a true fact). The fact that she, a person with normal social skills, says it’s invasive, is not a saving grace.

R: Ugh. How long is it?

…that’s what she said?

C: That’s the thing, it’s so fast. Waxing takes a full half hour, but laser is like 10 minutes tops. More like 5 minutes. I spent more time waiting with my legs open than with the actual laser.

Come again? (Again, that’s what she said.)

R: That’s all it took for the whole vagina and butthole combo?????

And this, my friends, is when the hairy clouds started shifting for me.

C: Oh, yeah. They just go over it once with the laser. They dip the outside of the laser in paint, so you can actually see where all they do it. The laser makes little circles on your cooch, and the circles like, overlap each other, so you know they’re getting every inch.

It’s like this whole conversation was just setup for Michael Scott.

R: Do you take pain meds or anything?

I’m sure I could whip up a nice, constipation-inducing cocktail if I needed to.

C: No, but you could probably pop some ibuprofen beforehand. They sell like this lidocaine cream for $20, but you have to put it on like an hour before your appointment and then wear some kind Saran wrap diaper, which is way too much work.

At this point, any shame I have is long gone, so fuck it. Give me the damn diaper.

R: I’m such a baby back bitch, it might be worth it.

Seriously, what’s self-respect in the face of physical discomfort?

C: Honestly, it’s over before you have a moment to object. Like, it’s sooooo fast.

Considering that it still lasts longer than the average length of intercourse, I wouldn’t exactly call it “so fast.” Or I would, but then this is awkward for all of you fast finishers.

R: Can you not have sex for a bit after? Not that I’m trying to hop into bed, but just, you know.

Ah, see? All of our minds were in the same place.

C: Yeah, you can’t that night. You also can’t work out right after.

Oh, darn. Two things I was absolutely planning my day around.

R: Guess I’ll have to cut down on my workout routine lol.

She said, despite the fact that she hadn’t set foot in a gym since 2014.

C: The weirdest thing is your hair down there falls out. You shave right before your appointment, so once your hair grows back in, it’s like, dead. So it just falls out.

Anyone else’s skin just start crawling?

R: That’s some sci-fi shit right there. Dammit. I think I’ma do it?

Really? That’s what won me over? The creepiest comment of this whole thing and THAT was truly the moment I decided to go for it? I need to bookmark this for therapy.

C: You really should. It’s life-changing. After that first session, I was hooked. I saw an immediate difference. It hurts for a few minutes and then it’s over.

I guess we’ll see if a lifetime of having a velvet-soft vagina will transform me. If I don’t walk out of that office with over 10k Instagram followers and a deal with a teeth whitening company, I’m asking for my money back.

R: Ughhh okay. Okay. Okay. Do I need to print out the coupon?

#PGP

C: I would just to be safe. Sometimes places are weird about that stuff. I like the downtown location the best, but they have a few different ones.

I guess the fact that I don’t own a printer shouldn’t deter me. But you know, it kind of does?

R: Is there parking DT? That’s my only thing.

Honestly, though, if one thing would keep me from going, it’s parking. Parking downtown gives me a full-on anxiety attack and no amount of destroyed hair follicles is worth attempting to parallel park during rush hour.

C: Oh, yeah. No more excuses, bitch. Do it for your vagina.

And so, that’s it. I called them up, set an appointment for tomorrow, and spent the next few hours reading laser hair removal horror stories online. I guess tomorrow at 2 p.m.* I’ll finally be able to answer the age-old question: Is a perpetually hair-free pussy worth the price and pain?.

Tune in on my IG stories tomorrow to find out, and may God have mercy on my cooch.

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com

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