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By now I’ve established myself as the PGP resident psychopath, and long ago lost the need to explain my decision making to your scrutiny. This past fall I wrote a piece about not wanting to share a shower with anybody. I wrote in my piece that this was because my daily shower is my last sanction for peace and reflection during my day. I didn’t happen to mention however just how many daily showers I take. Here’s a typical Saturday…
The first thing I do after getting out of bed in the AM is take a shower. I like a morning shower because it wakes me up and I need to wash the sleep from my body.
Saturday mornings in California are reserved exclusively for exercise. We’re a beautiful state filled with beautiful people. That beauty comes at a price however as we trudge our way to workout classes and gym sessions right after breakfast. Upon completion of my yoga/boxing/TRX/whatever type of class is trendy, the first thing I do is head home and shower. Don’t want to be sweaty the rest of the day.
As lunchtime approaches, I realize I’m running low on food so I duck out to the local grocery. After I get home, unpack my purchases and make myself lunch, I’m going to grab a quick shower to wash off both the grocery store and the sweat I’ve accumulated from my big errand.
Then it’s an afternoon on the couch watching television and taking advantage of none of the beauty or landscape the city I live in offers while the Capital F Fiancee bitches to me via text message about how I never meet her or her friends out during the day. We have dinner plans that night with another couple. I hop in the shower before we leave because I like to feel clean before stepping out for the evening in a fresh outfit. As I stand there in the steam and humidity, I pray that the couple we’re seeing shortly doesn’t invite some random friend without telling us.
After a long night of me pretending to listen to people while scrolling through Twitter on my lap and telling the same four stories, we arrive home late (11 p.m.) with liquor on our breath and too much dessert in our bellies for sex. The sweater I wore to dinner smells like the restaurant and I don’t want to bring that into bed with me, so before turning in I grab a quick shower.
On weekdays my showers are less frequent: always a shower before work, a shower after work and then a rinse right before bed. Of course I shower before I get on a plane and immediately after, to wash the plane off me.
To quickly answer your most pressing questions:
Each shower is five-eight minutes long, max.
I only need to wash my hair twice a week (have you seen it?)
No I don’t care that California is low on water; I’ve paid enough since living here that I would own my own body of water in any other state.
The Capital F Fiancee does have a problem with this habit and yes we are working through it with a counselor.
Yes, I moisturize like a motherfucker every time I get out. I know it’s important and no I’m not 24 I actually just turned 30, thank you for the compliment.
It comes down to this: I hate the feeling of sweat and love the feeling of being clean. As a result, I love taking showers..
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
We’ve got Duda scrounging through movie theater trash cans and we’ve got JR spending half his day in the shower. Wild times here.
On Duda’s behalf, he wrote quite a similar article to this one a couple months ago.
His was about taking an extra shower a day
This is about taking an extra shower an hour
I take 5 showers every day because that’s how much it takes to clean my filthy bung hole.
“Shower” aka JR’s going to town on himself 3-5 times a day.
Matt Damon and his Stella Artois chalices would hate you
Do golden showers count? I’m asking for the President of the Inited States of whatever this place is now because him and I have dragon energy or something lol
Everyone in California must hate you for all that water being used
This take brought to us by Fulton and Roarke
I thought I’d take a look at them since I’ve heard it so many times but holy shit it’s expensive.
True, I would be mad at getting some as a gift though.
am I the only one that’s thinking about his water bill
Does the California drought mean nothing to you?!
Curious as to how many change of clothes you go through? Can’t imagine you’re one of those psychos who showers and gets back into the same set of clothes – so are you doing laundry every other day?
I’m not doing the laundry
But yeah I go through at least 3-4 wardrobe changes a day
Forgot the clothes. What the hell is your towel setup?
I really respect this JR. Anytime you can smell great 24/7/365 and abuse the gifts we’ve been given here in America like an abundance of clean water, I’m all for it.