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As I was resigning the lease on the affordable (read: shitty) two-bedroom apartment I share with my roommate, I realized something – I’ve never lived alone. I moved out (or got kicked out, depending which parent you ask) of my childhood home at 17 and directly into a shared dorm room no bigger than a jail cell, and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of my young life. I’ve never lived alone, or frankly, even had the desire to live alone, and at this point, I don’t know if I ever will. Because of my lack of expertise in the area, I have several questions I want to ask those “mature adults” with one-bedroom apartments some questions that I’ve amassed.
Don’t you get bored?
I know I’m on the extreme end of the extroverted scale, but if I don’t have someone to talk to/hang out with for a couple of days, I start going crazy. Last year, when my roommate and my girlfriend were out of town during the same week, it took me less than 24 hours to start talking to myself like a crazy person. In between work, the gym, and other errands, I usually don’t have many for much social activities during the week so the idea of going home to an empty apartment every weeknight sounds incredibly lonely.
I feel like if you live alone, you have to put in conscious effort into planning time to see your friends during the week or you end up turning into a hermit, and both of those options sound unappealing. What do you do if you’re both lazy and extroverted?
How do you keep your place clean?
Here’s the list of reasons why I clean my apartment. 1. Out of respect for my roommate. 2. To get laid. 3. Because the mess is stressing me out. 4. Out of respect for my roommate. I think it’s clear from this list that without my roommate’s influence, I would live in a shithole two-three weeks out of each month, depending on how often I had a date. It’s not that I like living in filth, it’s that I like not doing anything more than doing anything.
If you live alone, the only reason to clean is to make you feel better, and I don’t know about y’all, but I can feel just fine neglecting my apartment for a long time. How do you force yourself to tidy up? Is this that “willpower” thing I’ve heard so much about from my teachers and parents?
Who do you blame things on?
Last night, when I smacked my head on an open cabinet on the way to the bathroom, I grunted “goddamn it Austin,” and you know what? It made me feel better. Did Austin leave that cabinet door open? 100% no. He wasn’t even in the apartment yesterday. That was all me, baby. But for a brief second, I could blame my inability to close things on someone else, and that felt nice.
If you live alone, you can’t do that shit. Shoes in the middle of hall? Your fault. Three-day-old dishes in the sink? All you. House filled with smoke because someone came home plastered and fell asleep making a frozen pizza? That’s right, that someone is you. That’s a lot of negativity directed at yourself, and that can’t be good for your self-esteem. In fact, I’m willing to bet all “haunted house” stories got started because someone didn’t want to admit that it was in fact them that left every kitchen chair pushed out.
How long did it take you to give yourself an awkward burn?
One of the most appealing parts of living alone is the ability to always be naked. I’m not a fan of clothes, as my Snapchat has accidentally revealed on occasion, and if given the opportunity, I’m going to be lounging around my house bare-assed all the time. I know I’m not alone in this, so I have to ask; how long did it take before you accidentally burned yourself in an especially sensitive area?
Maybe you were frying up bacon in the nude. Maybe you were lighting a candle au natural. Maybe you didn’t realize how hot your laptop gets when it’s placed on your bare thighs. I don’t know how it happened, but I’m sure it’s happened to everyone with their own place. Don’t be shy. It was three weeks wasn’t it? That seems like the right amount of time to get too comfortable with your own nudity and make a mistake.
Where do you masturbate?
As a guy who’s always had roommates, this is an easy question, and the answer is always my room. But for all you folks who have the run of a whole place to yourselves, this opens up a lot of options. The living room is an obvious one, with the TV/couch set up, of course. But what about the kitchen? You’ve definitely tried it in the kitchen at least once, right? Yeahhh you have, you dirty dog, you. The bathroom? Who hasn’t cranked one out in the bath/shower?
Where else? The closets? Don’t be shy, you’ve done it. Why wouldn’t you? You’re paying for every square foot of that place, goddamn it, why wouldn’t you get the most out of it? The laundry room? C’mon. Spin cycle, am I right, ladies? The hallway? Somehow the weirdest one, right? But shit, you crossed all the other ones off your list, right? Can’t stop now. Momma didn’t raise no quitter, although she probably wasn’t thinking of this when she instilled those values in you. Man. Y’all are disgusting. At least now I know what compels you to clean the place. .
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
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Living alone is like the Wild West of jerking it. Nothing is off limits. Just don’t get too used to it cas one day your wife comes home early and you’re jerking it in the coat closet and all romance is gone after that.
Couple of the coats are probably gone too after that.
this takes the term coming out of the closet to a whole new level or low
I’ve lived alone since I graduated and I couldn’t be happier.
1. The last thing I want to do after working all day, going to the gym, and running errands is talk to someone else. I want to flop on the couch and turn on whatever I damn well please.
2. Cleaning is tough. I try to stick to a weekly schedule, but I’ve never met a dish I didn’t want to let “soak”.
3. I get way too angry at minor inconveniences so I would rather take the responsibility than have someone to blame.
4. My apartments have always had big windows that looked out onto the street or into the next building’s windows so I at least have to wear shorts and a tank top.
5. Despite my answer to #4, I have gotten it done in the living room. The windows add an extra element.
Re: #4/5…don’t you have blinds?
Could not agree more with this take. Especially #1 and 5. That window element kicks things up a notch…
Last winter, I walked backwards into a radiator and got second degree burns on my asscheek.
Living alone is the tits. If you’re over 25, and you live alone, I think the only way you ever go back to having roommates is living with a significant other. I’ve always had roommates, 3 brothers, 3 roommates in dorms, then 5 roommates in college house, then back to 2 roommates postgrad. I was worried about living alone but everything about it is better.
I found myself much more social. So often I would come home from work on a Friday knowing I could fall back into going to bars with roommates or hanging with them. When I moved on my own, I hung out with more people, more often, and did way more. Having roommates is great for social situations, but it can also be a crutch to fall into the same habits.
It’s easier to keep clean when it’s just you. It’s easier to clean up for one (and less daunting) than for you and your roommates.
Can only blame yourself. Good and bad.
Awkward burns happen.
Thie Living Room, cast it onto the bigscreen if you’d like–the world is your oyster.
If you’re debating living alone, I would highly highly recommend it. The older you get, especially with potentially moving in with significant other you may never have the chance to live by yourself. Do it.
If you have a dog does it still count as living alone?
I at least throw boxers on when i’m cooking. Other than that, my apartment is my own personal nudist colony.
Perfect timing Nick, I’m jumping into a 1bd apartment for this first time here soon. All great questions. Commentors, please advise.
as someone who has lived alone since college this all checks out
I lived alone last year for 6 months and loved it, then moved to the city and had to have roommates to lower costs, but now am moving back alone. I’m a more alone type person so living alone has always been my go-to but I love it. Nobody to bitch about, no noise, I’m pretty clean so I don’t pile dishes, stuff stays clean longer like bathrooms and stuff. It’s awesome.
If you live alone but near (within walking distance) of some buddies you wont get bored. If you live far enough away where you have to drive it becomes just inconvenient enough to not generally see them during the week. In which case yes, unless you have some great hobbies, you will get bored.
Background: started living alone for the first time 4 months ago
1. No. You pick adopt a bunch of things you’ve always wanted to do or do more of. Cooking, reading, exercise, clean up etc.
2. idk you just clean. 5 or 10 minutes here and there goes a long ways.
3. “The Goose”
4. I’m the Unburnt. I’m the Father of Dragons.
5. Any and everywhere. See #2.
No. Usually when it’s time to do laundry. Blame it on the cat. Haven’t burned myself yet. Literally everywhere.
Moved into a 300 sqft. studio in Seattle a couple years ago with 4 bags of clothes and $500 in my bank account. Only needed a small amount of everything (furniture, plates, utensils, towels, etc.). The “living alone”/minimalist lifestyle is hands down the way to go. Everything’s on your own time, don’t have to worry about roommates moving your stuff (shoes, keys, food, etc.), and most of the time you just want to lay around and watch Netflix after a full day at work/gym/store anyways.
I have no earthly idea how you afforded it.
300 sqft is how