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I’m having a tough time deciding where to eat lunch today. It’s Friday at Augusta National, and I want something that is going to sustain me throughout the roughly four hours of coverage that I plan on watching throughout the day.
The problem is that I have to go to a friend’s birthday party tonight, and I don’t want to be backed up, bloated, or lackadaisical while I sip beers and shoot the shit. Friday afternoon has always been slotted as a time for me to treat myself. I did bring a turkey sandwich with me today under the guise of saving money, but I’ve got so many culinary options around me that I feel like, with the temperature creeping close to forty whole degrees outside and Tiger teeing off at 12:27 CST, I need something heartier, more delicious than a sad sandwich that I hastily packed a few hours ago.
Chick-fil-a
At first glance, this seems like an obvious number one, but the problem with Chick-fil-a is not how delicious it’ll be going down. The issue is when and where it’s going to be coming out. I hate to be crass, but Chick-fil-a releases demons within my digestive system that will make even the most seasoned cube warrior run away crying from the shared public bathrooms in office suite 403. I don’t know if its the peanut oil, the Chick-fil-a/Polynesian sauce combo I like to throw onto my spicy chicken sandwich, or a combination of the two, but I’m not sure I can deal with multiple trips to the office stall today. That’s just setting me up for a bar dump later on in the evening, and that is something I have nightmares about on a weekly basis.
Probability of visiting: 5/10
Chipotle
I’m not sure what to say about Chipotle other than this: my friends and I call it Shitpotle for a reason. It’s delicious, there is no denying that. But similar to Chick-fil-a, a demonic uprising within the bowels is almost guaranteed after scarfing down a chicken burrito or carnitas bowl. If this was a weekday, I’d have absolutely no problem visiting my neighborhood ‘Potle and spending the majority of the afternoon on the toilet, but the WiFi in the hallway and near the bathroom is horrible, and I wouldn’t be able to stream the Masters from the Iron Throne in there.
Probability of visiting: 4/10
Turkey sandwich from Home
Listen no one loves saving money more than me, okay? But as it stands, it is 9:22 a.m. at the time of me writing this, and I’m about ten minutes away from eating this turkey/swiss that is sitting in my Rubbermaid insulated lunchbox. That’s not going to hold me over for the duration of the day, and even if I did wait until noon or 1:00 p.m. to eat this thing, it would just be SO depressing to have this be my only lunch on a Friday, you know? I’m going to eat this sandwich, but it’ll be the first of two lunches. I’ve been good all week about bringing my lunch in with me. The heart wants what the heart wants, and right now it really wants something from a restaurant.
Probability of eating: 10/10
Protein Bar
This place makes a mean steakhouse ranch salad, and I could get a very nutritious smoothie and sweet potato chips with it. The chance of this meal backfiring on me later on this afternoon or tonight at the bar is slim, but it’s not going to satiate me the way that something like Chick-fil-a or Chipotle will. The delivery fee would also be something I have to consider as it is about a mile and a half away from me, and I don’t have that much time to walk there and back.
Probability of visiting: 6/10
McDonald’s
I love the Golden Arches. I’m not going to act like I’m better than eating at McDonald’s because I’m not and neither are you. However, I try to keep my trips to Mickey D’s down to once or twice a month because it is getting dangerously close to beach season, and a Big Mac with fries isn’t going to be helping me out any. I can almost taste a medium french fry and Coca-Cola classic from where I’m sitting, though, and I’m salivating.
Probability of visiting: 5/10
Morton’s Steakhouse
I’ve got a gift certificate to Morton’s that I’ve been trying to use for a while now. This is one hundred percent a better spot to go for dinner, but the certificate is only for thirty bucks anyways. I could treat myself to a steak salad or a sandwich here and possibly even a lunch beer, but I don’t know if they’ve got TVs in the joint, and this would definitely be a lunch trip where I’d hang out for a little while.
Probability of visiting: 4/10
Liquid lunch down the street
There’s a dive bar very close to where I’m at. I know for a fact that they’ll be showing Masters coverage, but they don’t serve food. I could go full send and have two, maybe three domestics, but that doesn’t leave me in a good spot coming back to the office or for the evening I have planned. I know everyone here is a fan of the lunch beer, but how far does one take it?
Probability of visiting: 6/10
This is the problem with having options. I’d like to take your guys’ input into consideration. Something tells me most of you will pick the worst option just to spite me, but at this point, I don’t have any other options. Sometimes there are just too many choices, and it’s impossible to choose. I’m leaning heavily towards CFA right now but that could change after I pound this turkey sandwich. I just don’t know..
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Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Try having a stronger stomach so everything doesn’t give you the shits
Just go to Chick-fil-a and deal with the consequences. Clear out those bowels before the birthday party and you’ll be fine.
And bring me a spicy deluxe meal. Cherry coke and buffalo sauce. Please and thank you.
Polynesian sauce for the win
Get paid for your time on the toilet.
lunch beers are the only choice
5 guys – coma ensues 20 minutes later
Those probabilities add up to wayyyyy above 1, I cant handle that on a Friday
They could be independent events.
How many lunches does the Average Employee eat in a single day.
Given that over half the country is overweight or worse, it wouldn’t surprise me if it the answer were “more than 1.”
I mean I eat two sandwiches per lunch so I’m not exactly capable of judging anyone in this regard so…
Duda all your articles format oddly on my work computer. Fix it.
I feel like I’ve heard this before. Are you using IE? If so, try on another browser. If not, I suggest rebooting
That’s my line, you bastard.
why tf are you using IE?
I browse at work, so I am using IE.
Swing by my desk after lunch. I’ll hook you up.
Using IE. Dunno, your other article is fine but this one and Kell’s new one are fuuuuuuucked.
I agree, I never get to see the whole screen. So weird.
Eat the Sandwhich, use some free office coffee to make it till the buzzer then use the save $$ for a better beverage for the bday sippin
You’d assume this would’ve convinced me not to get Taco Bell for lunch. You’d be wrong.
Chipotle Bowl – Go with chicken with no dairy toppings (sour cream / cheese). Filling and won’t send you to defcon 4 later.
Get a deli sandwich of some kind. Publix for sure if you have one close by. Enough to fill you up, but great base for drinking
I agree. This is the choice.