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A lump forms in your throat. Beads of sweat form on your brow. You can feel your pulse begin to race as the “fight-or-flight” instinct kicks in. You’ve committed one of the greatest faux-pas of the 21st century. In scrolling through someone’s photos, you accidentally tapped twice, bringing up that heart icon in full view of you, them, and all their followers. You liked an old post on Instagram.
It had started out innocently enough. You were checking out the profile of some girl or guy you fancied. Maybe you just met them the night before at a party or matched with them on Hinge. Maybe it’s an old crush from high school or college, or an ex you never quite got over. Or, God forbid, maybe it’s someone you don’t even follow. Someone who is perhaps unaware of your existence, and would be appalled to know you are creeping through her photos hashtagged #springbreak2k14.
If you’re lucky, this innocent slip of your finger occurred on a photo of them at brunch from a few weeks ago. Nothing sinister there, just some casual acquaintance being a little too late to acknowledge their dapper photo. Or it could the worst case scenario: a three-year-old photo of her and her girlfriends doing the “slutty-yet-free-spirit” pose of bikini tops off facing away from the camera. The implication to this “like” is obvious, and you know she can’t possibly help but think about what you were doing when you stopped on that photo.
In any case, you liked an old photo on Insta. You know it as soon as that heart icon pops up. Worse, you know that they know it too.
Denial (the first 30 seconds)
No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck! Unlike… unlike!
Okay, okay, okay, okaaaaaaay. It’s not big deal, the like was only on there for a second or something and you immediately unliked it. There’s no way that she was looking at her phone at that exact moment. She’ll see the notification and assume that it was a bug.
Or maybe she doesn’t even have Instagram notifications on her phone! I mean, she’s an attractive girl with *scrolls to the top of her profile* over two thousand followers. She can’t possibly have notifications on, her phone would be vibrating so often that she might as well keep it down…no, no, bad joke, bad thought, bad you. Look, the point is that she got over 300 likes on her last four photos. She definitely does not have her notifications on.
Anger (the next 90 seconds)
Goddamnit, who are you kidding? Of course, she has her notifications on! Look at these photos! They’re half basic bait and half thirst traps. Her entire existence on Instagram is to get likes. She revels in every single like and comment she gets, that sultry, vain temptress!
Why the hell isn’t there a grace period between me liking a photo and her getting a notification? Who is the asshole over at Instagram who didn’t think to put a “confirm” button before a “like” can go through, or give you a minute to retract an accidental unlike? I mean, they have to be aware that this is an issue! What, they don’t have the technology? Or are those vengeful nerds just jealous that they’re constantly getting blocked by Insta-hotties? So they revel in this power, hoping that by letting us dudes with actual game make fools of ourselves on social media, they’ll be the only ones remaining?
They know, yet they leave us all vulnerable, dangling on the edge of oblivion. Oh Instagram, why have you forsaken me? I trusted you, glorious giver of aspiring models and fame-hungry former reality TV stars. I trusted you and you failed me!
Bargaining (the following three minutes)
If I like a bunch of other photos, like even ones where she’s like in high school wearing something totally uncute, could that convince her that this was all a giant goof? Can I play this off like I got hacked? Oh, come on now, dude, no one is going to believe that you got hacked, it’s 2018. Everyone knows “I got hacked” is code for “I made terrible life decisions on social media.”
Maybe I should just delete the app. Come back a few days later with the “new phone” excuse. Or I could “like” every single one of her photos! Yeah, then she’ll have no way of knowing which one I accidentally liked. Unless she already knows…dammit! Come on now, think! You’ve got two degrees and she’s a career Hooters girl, surely you can come up with something that can outwit her!
Depression (the next 12 to 36 hours)
And there it is. The notification of doom. “You are unable to view this person’s profile.” She blocked you. She knows, and will always know, that you are a massive creep. Worse yet, she’s going to tell all her beautiful friends what a massive creep you are. The next time that pack of girls is sitting in a club, gathered around one of their phones, and your photo crops up, she’ll be the one to groan and talk about how you’re a creepy creeper who creeped on her photos.
And all because you didn’t take the time to adjust your settings so that you couldn’t accidentally like a photo. Or, have the self-respect to not ogle hot girls on their Instagram feeds. Ha, fat chance that is gonna happen.
Acceptance (Eternity.)
Well, it was a good run, man. For a fleeting minute, it really did feel like you were in with those cool, beautiful people. Not just one of the losers relegated to the broken lunch table off on the side of the cafeteria. You were there. One of the gang. A part of their world. And now, now you’ve been exposed as the lecherous bottom-feeder you always feared you were. Cast aside like a rotting apple core, made to watch their planet spin round from your tiny capsule. .
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
Accidentally sent the song “Slob on my Knob” to someone I was seeing for a few weeks instead of my group chat.
Never recovered.
Great song
Boy, I dunno. Maybe just relax a little.
Once did that to an ex fling on a picture honoring her late father… I seriously contemplated faking my death and moving to a new country
I actually see nothing wrong with this.
Or just own it. In fact own it so hard that you just like 4 or 5 more. Tap on that window, “Oh hey, here I am!”. Maybe she’ll reciprocate and like a few of yours basically inviting you to slide up into dem DMs. Or maybe I’m just a sociopath.
It’s a ballsy move that’s for sure…
A fellow JTrain fan?
Aren’t we all?
He doesn’t get much mention on PGP, so I wasn’t sure. Good to hear he gets some love here though, I’ve been a fan since his BroBible days.
If relationship context allows this is actually the best way to recover from an accidental deep like
Or just own it from the beginning?
I accidentally liked a 6 month old photo by a guy I drunkenly made out with 5 years ago.
I would like to think that I have enough pride to be horrified if I did this, but in reality I am too old and tired to give a shit if someone knows that I was creeping on them.
Play it off like it isn’t a big deal and you’ll be fine, it happens.
Basically own it and don’t be a wimp about it. The confidence and nonchalance you show might actually work in your favor.
I feel this. It took me a bit to get into posting Instagram stories and therefore an embarrassingly long time to realize that people could tell when I watched theirs. Even people I don’t follow. Oops.