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I’m not sure when it started happening, but alas, here we are. Sure, there were signs, but I chose to ignore them just like the girl who turns a blind eye to the guy leading her on in her FWB situation. It wasn’t until this week when my boyfriend bought a new car that the reality of things came completely into view.
My boyfriend has turned into a full-fledged soccer mom. Minus the kids. But I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse?
Things started out small with his tv show preferences. His DVR is always packed full of Bravo reality shows with his excuse being that he watches them because they have “lots of hot girls in them.” Then slowly the MTV shows came into play, and now he’s on The Bachelor train. (I will take credit for that one, unfortunately.)
Next, the Facebook groups peaked his interest. You know the type I mean; the specialty interest groups that are targeted in a certain way in the hopes that they can “build a great online community to connect people from all over the world!”
He joined a food lover’s group that includes reviews of local restaurants by anyone and everyone in the community, and he began to update me daily with the drama that would occur in the comments section. He even began chiming in with his own opinions just to stir the pot. No, dear, I don’t care that some waitress at some restaurant I’ve never heard of charged a split entrée fee for a pizza, but thank you for keeping me in the loop on how your day went.
After that he managed to get himself into a closed Facebook group for Australian Shepherd owners. Let’s keep in mind that not only does he NOT own an Australian Shepherd, but HE DOESN’T EVEN OWN A DOG. He claims he doesn’t know how he weaseled himself into that one.
Perhaps one of his more entertaining transitions into mom mode occurred when he bought toiletries in bulk on Amazon and then informed me of his grand plan for the purchase. He unpacked the boxes, turned to me in complete seriousness and said, “My dream is to have these separated into ziplock bags and labeled for each month so that I can replace things at the beginning of every month without fail.”
I think he debated ending things with me right then and there because I could not stop laughing.
That leads us to this past week when it came time for him to get the new car. He test drove several vehicles and landed on, admittedly, a car I would love to own. A black Jeep Grand Cherokee.
My friend Googled it because she didn’t know what one looked like and the first couple of articles were about how great of a family car the Jeep is and how it is ideal for a soccer mom on the go. His best friend text him asking him how many kids he and I planned on shoving into the back of it. And he even posted a picture of himself posed in front of the car with a caption using outdated slang. I’m not bashing the Jeep itself, but when you combine all the evidence, this car is the cherry-on-top of his full transformation into wannabe soccer mom.
So there you have it. Somehow I am dating a middle aged woman when I started out dating a 28-year-old man. One could argue that this is great prep for that moment when we maybe someday have kids of our own, but let’s be realistic that is hopefully quite far down the road. We’re too young for him to be embracing this lifestyle so rapidly, right?! I guess I’ll just have to accept it and enjoy the fact that I get to ride around in the car I’ve always wanted as we go on date nights to the highly praised locations strangers have suggested where we talk about the dog we don’t have and the drama of last night’s DVR’d show..
Image via Shutterstock
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Whatever Lola Wants
Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.
@LauraMeinert
I had a nice two night stand this weekend, with a girl who makes at least twice as money as me. The thought of being her stay at home husband definitely crossed my mind and seems appealing.
congrats on the sex
Nice
Tbh living a “parent” lifestyle without kids sounds awesome.
It’s better than Will trying to convince Sally he should get a station wagon.
I’ve always considered Jeep Grand Cherokees to be the quintessential “Chad” mobile more than a soccer mom vehicle
I’ve sort of thought that too while driving mine (humble brag) but really the only time they’re “Chad” or “Brad” mobiles is when they’re white or black with black rims. The drivers are almost ALWAYS wearing a backwards hat with Oakleys and probably spending into debt just to have it.
Only being able to afford a Jeep Cherokee #PGP.
As someone who’s first car was a Chrysler Town & Country that I lovingly dubbed the “Man Van,” I 100% support this.
It’s a swagger wagon
Nice! I’m gonna have to try that one out too
Jeep grand cherokees are lit
I need to see the comment section of a dc food lover’s group for local restaurants.. brb going down a black hole
The Grand Cherokee is one of the few SUVs dudes can buy without looking like a soccer mom. Don’t take that one away from us too, I was planning on leasing one soon.
I’m 26, single, and this is already me. I’m fucking hopeless.
Don’t worry – same.
I just bought a 2018 CRV. The thing is bitchin. Your BF sounds like a cool dude.