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I used to have a note in my phone that was full of them. From Drake and Kanye lyrics to memes that I’d apply to my everyday life, I would meticulously plan them out days, weeks, even months in advance. No, my Instagram caption game wasn’t the best, but it certainly was up there.
Admittedly, I’ve gotten lazy. You can only use “MORE LIFE” lyrics or “I can’t really see another squad tryna cross us” before they become stale and repetitive just like every photo that comes across our feed: the holding-my-hand-while-we-walk-to-the-beach photo, the Portrait Mode “thought I looked cute, might delete later,” and the 2014 staple of someone dancing on a table with the caption “#standard.” Much like anything that’s en vogue, captions will go from being completely acceptable to complete drivel before Drake releases another album that we’ll race to use lyrics from.
But the one caption that will never be acceptable? That will never be okay to have on your feed for any scenario or in any form? That will cause me to debate unfollowing you only to realize you probably have one of those apps that alerts you when I do?
“This one.”
Those two simple words. The two words that will make me want to gouge my eyes out more than when I get to a wedding reception and they’re not serving any apps wrapped in bacon. They’ve become #standard for any heartfelt Instagram that includes (but is not limited to) birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, holidays, et al. They’ve overrun Instagram to the point of no return. More tacky than the Valencia filter, more basic than a filtered photo of avocado toast.
“Sundays with this one.”
“Happy birthday to this one.”
“Couldn’t have completed my Barre training without this one.”
If you haven’t seen it, you simply haven’t been paying attention. They’ll probably peak on Sunday nights when people are throwing up photos in hopes of getting enough likes that their weekends feel productive. But as you scroll your feed week in and week out, you’ll see it lingering more than a newly single guy at last call. Simply put, it’s a disgrace to the English language.
Currently, there is no tried and true solution to the problem at hand. We overanalyze Instagram enough as it is, so to put so much stock in something as trivial as a caption is just embarrassing. No, I don’t expect you to plan out your captions like I once did as a young gun trying to stack some likes with 176 followers. There are no defined rules on which captions you use and when you’re to use them, but I simply ask that you attempt to do better.
It’s nearly impossible to read a caption that includes “this one” without reading it with the inflection of baby or by mocking the poor soul who wrote the caption in the first place. It’s not a phrase you’d say aloud to a group of friends or something you’d call them in private. This verbiage exclusively exists on Instagram as a term of endearment. It’s the top-knot of captions — something that was deemed acceptable in public through 2016 and 2017 but has now morphed into the signature of being basic.
How can we rid the world of this plague? How can we create a feed that’s free of “this ones” once and for all? There’s no mute function on Instagram that applies solely to captions, nor is there a way to outwardly protest it as they trickle in. After all, you can’t expect people to like your photos if you aren’t like their photos as well. What needs to happen is that we need to instate a system of accountability.
Workshopping a caption at brunch with Ellen? Steer her in the right direction. Get a notie that someone in your group text posted a photo? Screenshot it and expose them in the comforts of the iMessage in hopes that they’ll change it out of shame. Look over in bed and see your girlfriend on the cusp of pressing “Share” on a photo of you two? Grab her phone and refuse to give it back until she gives you final edit. If she doesn’t understand why, maybe it’s best to scrap the entire relationship altogether.
What’s the worst that can happen? She changes it to “no new friends”? That’s fine — it’s better to be five years late on something than be completely insufferable. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
I feel like I need to follow more people on Instagram. Like people I know or sort of know from high school or whatever; peripheral acquaintances, if you will. But is that weird? Someone (Will/ladies) with Instagram etiquette knowledge please help me determine who I am supposed to follow. Thank you in advance.
why follow a person when you can follow a dog with 1.6 million followers
I would say as long as 80% of your follows aren’t half naked “models” you’re good. Just don’t follow the one girl from accounting class you always crushed on but only awkwardly talked to in class and haven’t seen since then…that’s weird.
also don’t forget that when you like miss_bigbootyxxxx’s Instagram, all your followers (aka your sig other) can see that too. rookie mistake.
Just follow some people you know personally, some old acquaintances you can somewhat tolerate, a couple of cuties, 2-12 famous people, some fitness Insta’s, and a meme account or two.
Also, a World scenery or views account is so refreshing
Use of “notie” for notification made me cringe.
Always being five years late on a trend. PGP
Motion to bring back the mannequin challenge
Motion to bring back the Harlem Shake.
Second
Deleted my Instagram out of spite when the last girl I dated got mad at me for not liking one of her pictures…haven’t looked back since
You must have dated Girl before Todd. Way to get out of that
The resemblance was so uncanny that I was almost Todd before Todd became Todd…therefore, TGDAG gives me intense PTSD on a weekly basis but at this point I’m so invested that I can’t stop keeping up with it
Had to do it to em
I pretty much only follow “models” and golf accounts at this point.
My man, thank you for putting this out there! I endorse your take 100%.
Another Instagram trend I’d like to see die is when people try to be blasé or funny with their engagement announcements. Just recently I saw a picture of a girl’s ring with a caption along the lines of, “We’ve decided to fight over the remote for the rest of our lives…” FFS, just put “I said ‘Yes!’” and move on.
You’re not my supervisor.
I don’t want to see anyone without long hair bashing top knots. They are an absolute lifesaver.