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After reading 4 Dates That I’m Pretty Sure Would Kill A Man, I felt the need to dispense of the idea that yoga, while challenging, is terminal. I completely understand the trepidation amongst my fellow men when faced with the prospect of an hour-long session of an unfamiliar and perspiration-inducing body weight workout such as yoga, or its evil step-sister hot yoga. However, as a man who has recently stepped foot into this female-dominated world, I have learned that hot yoga is a valuable tool to add to your dating arsenal. Unlike your local Life Time, the women at your local yoga studio tend to be more welcoming to an introduction here or small talk there. Here are 5 simple tips on how to survive thrive in this 60 minute class from Hell.
1. Select the appropriate studio
This is a vital first step. Depending on your preference, you can either surround yourself with twenty-somethings draped in Lulu or forty and fifty-somethings draped in, well, Lulu. I would recommend targeting a studio with an age demographic analogous with your Bumble sliders. While this goes without saying, your fellow post-grads tend to gravitate to the studios nearer to the city center. If you have blacked out within 4 or 5 miles of the current studio, you are likely in the go-zone. While a venture into the suburban studio is a move I personally would not make, it is one I can absolutely respect.
2. Arrive 15 minutes early
Early arrival is key if you are desiring a successful experience. While you do NOT want to be located in the front row (at least until you master some of the basic moves), you sure as hell do not want to be trapped in the back corner next to Simon, your Intro to Philosophy professor from freshman year. Find your Holly or Marissa (or CMV) and strategically place your brand new Manduka mat 2 or 3 feet to her right. When your teacher instructs you to introduce yourself to your neighbor, you have the chance to lay the perfect one-liner on her.
3. Have your towel (and water) ready
Regardless of how well the first two steps are executed, you have the chance to ruin it with an oversight on this single step. Simply existing in a crowded room with 98 degree heat will undoubtedly make you sweat like a degenerate post-grad in a church. Add a mixture of downward dogs, plank series, squats, cardio bursts, and burpees and you will be wetter than Saved By The Brunch. This is where a towel is absolutely crucial. Should you forget to bring your own, you can fork over a couple bucks at the front desk for one. (Capitalism!) A small price to pay in order to avoid blowing any chance you had (or didn’t have) after nailing your pre-class one-liner.
4. Swallow your pride and get after it
We are men. We are made to conquer. Napoleon did not set out from France (France, right?) on a mission to conquer the easy ones. He went out there on a mission to defeat the world. Since the beginning of time, men have been dispensing of the toughest of tasks. Hunting bears. Running marathons. Hitting 225 on the bench. Putting down grimace-free triple shots of Whiskey. Diving headfirst into the uncharted DM’s. It is time we rise up and recognize that hot yoga cannot withstand the spirit of Man. From the minute your instructor Lauren steps in the room, give it 100%. Take your water breaks. Towel off. Don’t be afraid to take some of the variations. There is a fine line between being determined and a try-hard. It is okay to show weakness but never give into defeat.
5. Close the deal
Congratulations. You have survived 60 minutes of hot yoga. But the real challenge has just begun. You just got worked by a 110-pound Tri Delt and the girl next to you knows it. But she respects it. Unless you look like one of the Hemsworth’s, just know it is better to be funny than smooth. Towel off, check her left hand once more, drop some self-deprecating humor, and close the deal..
Respond
My first hot yoga class I forgot the towel to put on my mat. Within 5 minutes I had a sizable puddle of sweat on my mat that would make loud fart noises every time I laid down. I had to switch studios after that class.
Ive done yoga once…. all told we were in there about six hours and no I was not meditating. I just stood there quietly breathing. There were no thoughts in my head what so ever. My mind was blank. I don’t know what the hell these other crack pots are doing.
but quietly breathing and not thinking is kind of how you meditate
Username checks out
That is *real* yoga, not Americanized / bastardized yoga.
That reference…. right over your head
Step 4 hyped me the fuck up. Step 5 brought me right back down to reality.
Quality work here.
For all you guys who like to do yoga at home where you can control the pace of the practice and smoke spliffs on your mat before you begin, check out Sean Vigue Fitness ok YouTube. Classes from 10-75 mins for all experience levels. He’s a game changer.
Good looks, but getting baked and looking at the butts in my class is the only reason I go
Well done Slick Willie
Love hot yoga
If you have a CorePower studio in your city I’d recommend trying that. Free week for first timers, free intro classes, variety of classes for all levels, and attracts a pretty young demographic for the most part.
Big fan of CorePower
So if you beef after a long night of deviant activity before, do you just leave and never come back? It would probably be best to go when you were sober the night before.
I’m all for men practicing yoga but it’s actually not ok to hit on women at a yoga class. Most people are there for their own personal reasons, none of which include being sexualized by some desperate weenie. When I was single and a dude tried to make a move after or even during a yoga class I always shut him the fuck down even if he may have been a compelling candidate in other circumstances.
Username checks out 🙁
You have a very negative aura.
Can honestly say that I’m regularly praised for my aura and have been for most of life. I’ve only ever been told that my aura is negative by guys I’ve called out and/or rejected, sooo…. not sure.
Sup?
So why are you so negative on here everyday then?
We’ve got a HARDASS!
I went through the hassle of signing up for this website just so I could leave this comment. I have been practicing Hatha Yoga for 47 years and teaching for 26. My life is centered around Hatha Yoga and I have two university degrees in its traditions.
People who do hot yoga:
1. Have no knowledge whatsoever of yoga and it’s origins in India.
2. Know next to nothing about anatomy and physiology.
3. Don’t mind hurting their bodies to the point of surgery and possible necessary treatment for life-threatening events (strokes, heart attacks, heat stroke, etc.).
4. Still believe the absurd urban legend that hot yoga “flushes toxins from the body”. It doesn’t.
5. Don’t realize that hot yoga is far more damaging to the body than step aerobics;(remember that?).
6. Are the sorts of people who passively accept received wisdom, rather than explore for themselves. They’re very low on critical and analytical skills.
7. Haven’t been within 1000 miles of India.
The teachers of hot yoga know very little about yoga, anatomy/physiology, or just about anything else. That’s why they’ve chosen the avenue that requires almost no skill – teaching hot yoga.
I hope you’ll all be able to find genuine yoga from India. If not, head over to India in May. They’ll be happy to give you all the hot yoga you want!
sorry that we were on your lawn
Chill out man
Hah! The post grad hotsters took umbrage.
It’s going to be a sunny, happy day! I read the responses to my students.
What is this?