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I’ve been seeing a lovely young lady for like, I don’t know, six weeks now? It’s kind of tough to keep track of the days as they pass when you’re in jail the dead of a New York City winter. Anyway, we’re doing the whole sober sex thing, I’ve met her friends, and I know what kind of sushi she likes. It’s great.
Getting to know someone you’re dating is always kind of a wild ride — you’re trying to fill in a Sudoku and a jigsaw puzzle at the same time, and it’s also made that much harder if you’re seeing multiple women at the same time, like I was when I first started dating this her. Sick humble brag, bro. Trying to keep the details shared about one woman’s life straight is hard enough. But, when I started dating Jen, I was also seeing this girl Tara, and keeping the details of their lives separated was a frickin’ chore. Yes, there were slip-ups when I was like, “Didn’t we talk about that?” and she was like, “For sure not,” and in my head, I was like, “Shit, that was with Tara.” You get it.
But Tara and I accidentally sort of ghosted each other and so Jen became my numero uno, so it’s much easier to keep track of all the details of her life that we’ve discussed. So now I know her favorite flower (sunflower), movie (Good Will Hunting), and, importantly, I know which kind of chicken wing – flat or drum – she prefers.
She asked me which one I preferred, and honestly, I had to think about it for a minute. Both have great merits. Both have faults. I pose a case for each, and then make the verdict, but I’ll let you choose for yourself.
The Case For The Drumsticks
The drums are probably the go-to choice for the novice wing eater. At the outset, it would seem like an easier wing to eat. If you didn’t have any wing eating skills, the drum is probably easiest to eat, especially with one hand, allowing your free hand to drink your beer or flip around the channels with the clicker. Now, I’ve also heard from people that drums are also easier to dip into the sauce, whether it be blue cheese, ranch, or whatever else you’re dipping it into. I’m not sure I necessarily agree, but the drum does allow for freer rotation in the dipping cup, covering more of your wing in a sauce. Additionally, the drum has one bone, so there’s never any chance of it breaking apart on you with multiple pieces to account for.
The Case For The Flats
If you don’t know how to properly eat a flat, then you’re choosing drum every time, and twice on Sunday (once for the 1 p.m. games, and again for the 4:25 p.m. games). I was like that for my youth. But then I saw a video on how to properly eat a flat, and my life changed. It was like the first time I heard Pearl Jam, the first time I saw a Monet painting, the first time I ever read a Call Me Victoria column. Life changing events, people.
You seen this shit? Check it out. Here’s another one, but it’s with crazy Russians. Even if you don’t pull this crazy maneuver where you de-bone the thing before you eat, personally, I find it much easier to dip the flat, put the thing down my throat bones and all like I’m starring in a Lexington Steele video, and then ripping the meet of the bone with my teeth. I find this much cleaner than eating the drums. And when you’re an old man of 27 like me, a clean face at the bar is paramount.
So, after thinking on it, I told Jen I like the flats. She told me she also liked the flats and that if I was a drum boy she’d have to end things with me. Phew. Glad I passed the test.
So, who ya got?.
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
I will eat any wing you put in front of me because I’m an animal.
Sup
Can we be best friends?
Same. I’m an equal opportunity glutton.
To include ass?
It’s gotta be the flats. This is final.
Ditto
One exception: office meetings. In my experience these involve a lot of talking with your hands and you can eat drums one handed. Sure, they’re not as good as flats and the fry is lower quality but how are you gonna buy flats if you get fired for flicking wing sauce onto your boss’s tie?
i told my boyfriend i prefer flats since he prefers drumsticks on one of our first dates, a la the “olive theory.” now i’m stuck eating flats every damn time and low key miss drumsticks. you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.
We can switch next time. I’ve been on the flat wings lately anyways.
Same happened to me except I “preferred” drumsticks #regret
Rick Ross the Boss was doing a few radio stops after he received the key to the city of Memphis (not making that up). He owns a few wing places here and they asked him drums or flats. His response, “If you eat Drummies, then you’re a straight up Drummie.”
I’ve lived by those words ever since
Comments like this one is why I always read the comments.
Drums all the way. Everyone else always wants the flats so it’s a perfect arrangement.
I’m a flat guy. Sup?
Yea whatever, like ’em both, but now I’m so hungry, going to Wing House immediately.
Flats bih , or chick-nuggiez
Flats, and always date someone who likes drums
Also – Arizona Ranch from Quaker Steak and Lube is the best sauce ever created, don’t @ me
Comes down to the fact that bones are what keep the meat juicy and impart flavor. And flats have 2 evenly distributed bones that are more porous to do their job. Flats have the best meat period. I also just realized this is the most thought I’ve put toward anything on my Wednesday morning at work…
When Lexington Steele has the knee pads on you know it’s about to get wild