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My forehead breaks out into a cold sweat and I’m crouched in a garland pose mixed with malasana yoga squat on my bathroom floor. In one fluid motion, I pull the strip attached to one of the most sensitive parts of my body. I let the wave of throbbing pain envelope me for a moment before going in for the next round. I was making progress.
For years, I had been shelling out major money to have someone else forcibly remove hair from my bikini line and inward. It’s a strange dynamic. The last appointment I had, the esthetician and I were having a conversation about what types of apples were the best. It was something else to have a woman telling me how honey crisps have the best flavor as she’s aggressively wiping hot wax on my labia. She would later go on to really boost my confidence after she told me that Korean women have the best vaginas, and I was a testament to this fact.
In an attempt to spend less, I decided to cut this tri-weekly expense out of my budget and take the DIY route. I’ve done my own eyebrows for ages, so I felt semi-equipped for the task. Turns out, it’s very different.
The first time I made an attempt, five minutes in I had to stop because the pain was too much. It’s an excruciating process even when done by a professional, but somehow it is worse when you have to pull the trigger yourself. If you hesitate for even a split second, you’re left with the terrible stinging sensation, but wax covered hair still rooted deep in your skin. After this botched effort, my underwear was sticking to me for at least 48 hours, and I was still left with my original problem.
This time I was prepared though. Ibuprofen was taken, and a shot of gin found its way into the equation. I put on the “Ultimate Pump Up” playlist I found on Spotify and got down to business.
The thing about waxing your vagina is the painful spots don’t really make sense. Maybe it’s different for some women, but the actual vagina part is lower on the painful area scale. Instead, it’s the mons pubis, to be anatomically correct, that hurts like hell when waxing. I decided the best method would be to get the most uncomfortable part of the procedure out of the way first. I managed to channel a David Blaine-esque mental block, and the hardest area in the ordeal went by in a blur with minimal cursing, and only a few moments where I wasn’t sure if I could keep going. From there, it felt like a cake walk.
There were some moments where I was twisted in weird positions and I was so thankful no one was around to see this strange, nude acrobatics display. At one point I received a text from my mom asking what I was up to, and I was tempted to brag about my in-progress success, but I settled on “Not much, watching TV,” instead.
When I was finally finished, wax had dripped all over the floor, and my heart rate felt like I had just completed a spin class, but I had done it. This felt like one of my greatest accomplishments. I had made Sally Hansen my bitch, and had saved $65 (plus tip).
After I showered and applied a liberal amount of aloe vera gel, I could fully appreciate my masterpiece. While I was still red and a little puffy, I was looking smooth and aerodynamic. This was one small step for woman, one giant leap for womankind.
Aside from saving a significant chunk of change, I also learned a very valuable lesson that day about discipline and pushing myself to the edge. Self-Brazilian waxing should really be an extreme sport. When it’s finally added to the X-games line up, no doubt I’m going to be on the podium. .
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Kell
future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.
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Pics or it didn’t happen
I was literally clenching my entire body while reading this. I can’t imagine inflicting that much pain on myself.
I agree… Honeycrisp apples are the best.
If I nick my balls with the little $9 personal trimmer I bitch for three days. This is astounding.
Wait doesn’t a Brazilian wax involve waxing EVERYTHING?
We talkin’ b-hole?
We talkin’ b-hole.
One time in Kindergarten, we had to make hand puppets and I gave mine a beard using an Elmer’s glue stick and once it came time to pull it off it stung so this post hits close to home lol
Sup sup sup?
So Korean women have the best vaginas? Is this a verified fact?
I think we need a study. Someone write up the grant.
In my experience it’s Colombian women
Had my eyebrows waxed once, so I can definitely relate.
So… Can you give us a few more details? Like exactly which waxing kit did you use, and which YouTube tutorials did you watch?
I used Sally Hansen All Over Body Wax Hair Removal Kit, and the youtube tutorials are pretty slim on this one, so I went in blind and figured it out as I went