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Life is all about stages. An ebb and flow that leads you to where you are now. In terms of drinking, it used to be about ripping shots and playing power hour at the pre-game. Then, as you grew up a little bit, the brunch scene became the new club. Eggs benny and mimos until the cows come home. But eventually, you get to the point where drinking every Saturday morning sounds miserable.
You grow up. You evolve. You embrace the group dinner.
Maybe it was hatched in the group text or perhaps it was orchestrated by your significant other. But come Friday night, you know where you’re going to be — the loudest table at a trendy restaurant where two or more dudes are wearing the same button-down shirt while attempting to watch the game that’s on some small ass television at the bar. Clockwork.
And if you’re going to be attending one of these shindigs, you best believe you need to follow some rules.
I. Thou shall pick a reasonably-priced destination barring special occasions.
I like sipping champagne and eating caviar as much as the next guy, but the finer things have a time and a place. Group dinners are neither the time nor the place, so pick something that everyone can get onboard with. We’re talking sub-$10 drinks and entrees that range from $14 to $28. Middle of the mall shit.
Sure, if it’s someone’s birthday, she’s going to inevitably make you break the bank at some place you never would’ve chosen yourself. But unless someone’s celebrating a major life event or getting engaged, slow your roll and keep it reasonably priced for the sake of that dude in your squad who’s living paycheck to paycheck.
II. Thou shall show up on-time.
You know the guy. Oh, I don’t know, let’s call him “Dave.” This Dave character knows that a big group is going to command a long wait at the restaurant. And yeah, Dave also knows that someone will show up early, lie about their entire group being there, and stick around the bar waiting for an eight-top to open up. Then ol’ Dave comes in at the last possible second and slides in without waiting for more than five minutes. Zero squad mentality on ol’ Dave.
III. Thou shall not try to add people at the last minute.
No one cares that your buddy’s third cousin twice-removed just got into town. Finding a place that will sit eight to ten people on any given weekend night is hard enough, and it’s even harder once you start mixing in people none of us have ever heard of. If they aren’t on the group text when the plans were hatched in the first place, they’re going to have to meet us out after. Sorry, champ.
IV. Thou shall not order anything extravagant without first confirming with the group.
Unless you’re planning on paying out of pocket for that $150 bottle of wine, don’t burden the rest of the group with it. Not all of us went to Napa and enrolled in some sommelier classes last winter. If I wanted to throw down on a $150 bottle of wine, I wouldn’t have been caught asking what the “house red is” the second I sat my ass at the end of the table.
Keep it in your pants and don’t order the seafood tower without first getting approval from everyone who’s eventually going to be pulling out a Chase Sapphire at the end of the night.
V. Thou shall not sit as though it is a middle school dance.
You know what I mean. Boys at one end and girls at the other. We’re all mature enough that we can have civil conversations with members of the opposite sex. It’s 2018. I’m not saying we need to go boy-girl-boy-girl, but we can at least mix it up and talk to some people we rarely carry a conversation with. Variety is the spice of life and you’re not going out to a group dinner to talk to the same people you always talk to day-in and day-out.
VI. Thou shall not power drink.
“Keeping pace” is the name of the game. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get blasted, but just make sure you’re on the same level as the rest of the group when it comes to firing down cocktails. We don’t need each of our tabs elevated by ten bucks each because you had a rough week at work and decided to tie one on with some top-shelf bourbon.
If you’re ordering another drink, make sure there’s someone else ordering one with you. If you want to brown out and fall asleep at the table, do it at the after-dinner overcrowded bar where your tab’s open.
VII. Thou shall order a mid-tier item on the menu.
This is the same principle as power drinking. Just because there’s double-barrel lobster tails on the menu doesn’t mean you need to be firing back Maine’s finest while Trisha at the other end of the table is picking away at her side salad. Sure, that’s on her for having a trash order, but at the same time, don’t be the asshole making everyone fund your black truffle mashed potatoes and 46-ounce ribeye when you could get by with something a little more reasonable.
VIII. Thou shall not force others to go out after.
Listen, group dinners can be an absolute beating. They can be long, overwhelming, and downright exhausting. If someone wants to call it a night at 10 o’clock when your waiter is finally done running six different credit cards, let them go home without guilt. One monkey don’t stop the show, so just plow ahead with the crew that’s still assembled. They’ll feel bad enough about themselves when they see your late-night Snapchats — don’t cause a scene because someone wants to call it quits. They probably didn’t even want to go to the dinner in the first place.
IX. Respect thy waiter.
Ever been a waiter before? No? Well, I’ll tell you this — yes, group dinner tips are the bee’s knees but dealing with a bunch of drunk assholes is not. It’s difficult to keep everyone happy, but just know they’re trying. Every single time they come back to the table with a round of drinks, someone hits them with, “You know what, I’ll actually do another one too.” Whenever they’re bringing out ten different entrees, they’re scrambling in the back trying to make sure they’ve got it all right. Have some sympathy, situational awareness, and order another drink before you finish the one sitting in front of you. It’ll make you both happy.
X. Thou shall split the bill evenly no matter the circumstances.
There’s going to be one person sitting at the table who’s going to try to Good Will Hunting the check when it comes. And yes, that person is the worst person on planet earth. Grab the check, throw in one card per couple, and hand it over to your waiter without thinking twice. Got two single people at the table? Well, they’re officially a platonic couple who can work out their share on Venmo after. Have someone trying to throw in cash because they “only had the chicken and didn’t drink”? Stiff arm them. Rachel came at the last minute and only had one glass of wine? Guess what — Rachel just got a free glass of fucking wine. Good for Rachel. .
Need more info on the proper rules and regulations for splitting a check at a large dinner? Listen to Episode 9 of The Ross Bolen Podcast on iTunes and SoundCloud.
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I can only dream of having enough friends that this stuff would matter
Houston PGP group dinner could probably make this a reality
I’m all in
Join the groupme so we can get this thing rolling
New to group me. Is there a group name to join or what?
This Dave character sounds like the kind of guy who shoots in low 70s, doesn’t get hungover, and grows a killer beard
And clearly drives a Miata
I pay the whole bill because Daddy wants the points. You’ll get your Venmo request for your portion (split evenly, of course) tomorrow morning.
Legitimately can’t tell if you’re referring to yourself as Daddy (a la Girl/Caroline) or if your dad still pays your credit card bills.
I’m daddy. Everyone knows that you’re supposed to always refer to yourself as daddy if you want to control the room.
He’s speaking as everyone’s Daddy, Mr. Bill Belichick.
Split evenly is a trash move if the bill is higher than like 50 bucks for everyone. I’m not paying for your four glasses of wine and surf and turf.
You are brokeboi trash if you don’t split the bill evenly.
That sounds like some rapper logic. I ain’t down with that.
Please refer back to rules 6 & 7.
If you aren’t enjoying yourself when you go out to eat, why don’t you just have chipolte and meet up after for drinks. This is essentially replacing your night out, you will end up breaking even.
Exactly
Fuckin’ Dave
As a waiter in college, don’t tell me the group is ready to order, only then to ask Becca if she wants to split a kale salad.
$14 entree IS my special occasion dinner…post grad problems.
Dave’s making power moves and I respect the hell out of him for that.
If you don’t split the bill evenly, barring some outrageous circumstance, we can’t be friends
If we were really friends you wouldn’t be such a soclaislt about the bill
What’s the rule for splitting the bill when someone is being celebrated (birthday, promotion, etc.)? They don’t pay, right?
They don’t pay. If they have a significant other, that significant other throws in their card. If that person is single, whole squad treats them.
That’s usually a good rule of thumb for birthday, promotion or engagements, especially if you initiated the offer.
I’m in the camp that they cover themselves at dinner, but after dinner drinks is where you treat the guest of honor and everyone makes sure they are never empty handed
I’m genuinely curious, do most people split the bill evenly like this? If the server already has to run six cards, it seems pretty reasonable to divide the bill into what people actually ordered. Granted, I don’t typically roll with 10 people so maybe that’s the difference.
I don’t understand this. Who does this save trouble for? Most POS systems at restaurants worth eating at allow, and actually make, the server enter the order by seat. Just tell them up front how it’s gonna be and then order whatever you want without worrying about someone complaining that they’re paying for your shit. It comes out to the same amount of card swipes for the server and from what I remember it really wasn’t that fucking difficult to handle. Tip them some more cash to show your appreciation if you feel bad.
YUP. 99.9% of the time we don’t even have to bring up splitting the check. The server either leads with it immediately or confirms the groups when we ask for the bill.
Depends on the venue. In Nashville, I’ve had servers separate checks from the beginning without any fuss. In SF you get sneered at, and told that their “system” can’t process more than three cards.
Any restaurant that says their system can’t process more than three cards is lying. It’s like when gas stations or party stores have $5 minimums — straight up lie. If Visa found out they weren’t accepting Visas for small transactions, they would stop the establishment from using their cards altogether.
Actually, fun fact: Visa changed this sometime recently. They are now allowed to have a $10 minimum. I didn’t know myself about this until I went to buy something at a corner store and the owner told me there’s a $10 minimum. I called him out on it and he told me about this. I Googled it and turns out he’s right.
Ah, that sucks. I’ve been in a couple hungover arguments with store owners while trying to just buy a damn Gatorade.
Bill Nye blowin muhfuggin minds out here…..
This might be a really dumb question but does this only apply to running Visa as credit? I run my debit card for less than that all the time.
Yes (to MJ). The merchant fees for running a debit card are about half what they would be for a credit.