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“It feels sneaky” I said to my best friend over text.
“Well, are you guys exclusive?” she replied, pragmatic as ever.
“No.”
“Well then, you’re fine. Just don’t tell Jack.”
I was getting ready to go out on a date. I mean, maybe it wasn’t a date. I don’t really know what it was. It was drinks with a friend from out of town who I have feelings for. I can’t really even identify the feelings. They’re not passionate, jump-his-bones kind of feelings. They’re more soft, warm feelings – the kind that you have for someone because, above all, you love talking to them.
Regardless, I was going on a whatever it was, with someone that wasn’t Jack.
Jack, the suitor I have been seeing now for the past month or so, is…uncomplicated. He’s attractive in a surfer guy kind of way and he calls me babe which I have decided I like. He does things like take me on proper dates and calls me to say goodnight. He also (to complicate the matter even more) knows I’m moving in March, something we try not to discuss. My impending move has given us an excuse to not talk about our relationship status really at all, a rare luxury. Why define the relationship when I’ll be leaving so soon? That being said, I have feelings for him. I do.
So why then was I getting ready to go out with someone else? Because Jeff and I have this weird history, this fun standing date whenever he comes in town, and I don’t want to give it up.
I met Jeff at a mutual friends baby shower almost 6 months ago and we hit it off immediately. We spent the night talking, and then talking some more, and have kept in touch ever since. Whenever he comes to town for business, which is frequently, we always make a point to see each other. We text occasionally, checking in on one another mostly. He always asks about my job search, or how my family is. I don’t know how to describe it other than that he’s a good person.
Also, I don’t know why I feel inclined to say this, but we’ve only ever kissed. I think if we lived in the same city, I would like to pursue something more serious, but I have no idea if he feels the same way.
“I’d like to see you if you can find the time!” he texted me last week, considerate as ever.
“I’d love that!” I responded, almost immediately feeling a tiny twinge of guilt in my stomach.
We made tentative plans for Jeff to pick me up and take us to a Mexican restaurant by the beach, a pretty off the beaten path locals’ place. Did I choose it because I knew Jack wouldn’t accidentally run into us? I wish I could convincingly say no, but the honest answer is yes – yes I did.
As I texted with my friend before the date, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong.
“I don’t know” I wrote. “It just, it feels like I’m being dishonest.”
Nevertheless, I went. I went to the Mexican restaurant off the beaten path and drank IPA’s with Jeff. For two hours we caught each other up on our lives, polishing off three beers each before we knew it. He gave me advice on my pending relocation and I applauded the progress on his current real estate endeavors. We laughed and talked about nothing and everything, everything except Jack that is. He never asked if I was seeing anyone, maybe because he assumed I wouldn’t be there if I was? I didn’t ask him if he was dating either, but I got the sense he wasn’t.
When he dropped me off that night, he kissed me and I kissed him back. It wasn’t a friendly kiss.
“See you next time” I said, as I got out of the car.
“Amazing to see you, as always.” he replied.
He told me he’d come visit me once I was settled in my new city, that he’s excited to have me just a few hours drive away.
Jeff will be back in town in a few weeks and if he asks to see me I can’t say I’ll decline.
I went to bed that night incredibly conflicted. Sure, I hadn’t technically done anything wrong, but I was skating on thin ice. I don’t like to operate on “technicallys.”
“Hope you had a fun night!” Jack texted me, as I was drifting off to sleep.
“Thanks honey” I replied. “I’ll see you tomorrow!! Excited to see you!”
As I laid in bed, I wished that I could be okay with the situation, but I just didn’t have it in me. That night I came to terms with the fact that, if I am going to continue seeing other people, I need to set the record straight. I need to tell Jack that we’re not exclusive, because if it was me, I’d want him to do the same. I’d at least want the opportunity to make a decision on whether or not to continue in the relationship.
I know there are “rules” in this kind of thing, and that I’m in my 20s so “I should date lots of people!”, but ultimately I think the gut knows best. My gut is telling me that it is disrespectful to see other people without at least clearing the air with Jack, even if technically until we’re exclusive I can do what I want.
Here’s my predicament, however. I know what I have to do – but god I’m dreading it! I am dreading the moment I turn towards him in the passenger seat of his car, clear my throat, and say some version of “so look, I want to talk about something”.
This won’t be the first time I’ve been on either the giving or receiving end of this conversation. It’s a dance I know well. I always thought, though, that I hated the exclusivity conversation because I hate the ultimatum: leave or fully commit. This time, upon having looked more closely at the actual driver of my hesitation, I have realized that’s not why I don’t want to have the talk.
I’ve realized (somewhat ashamedly) that I’m dreading telling Jack that I’m dating other people because I don’t want him to be okay with it.
I’m not afraid that he will break up with me, or that he will demand we date each other exclusively. I’m afraid he will turn to me, smile, and say, “Okay! That’s fine!”
I’m afraid, deep down, that he’ll give me exactly what I want – an agreement that we can date other people – because then, I’ll feel less wanted.
This is not a particularly attractive sentiment to admit, but it’s the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I know the double standard of the whole thing is outrageous. But when it comes down to it, I want to be able to date other people and I don’t want Jack to be okay with it. Isn’t that horrible?
I don’t want Jack to shrug his shoulders and be unconcerned with the fact that I’m playing the field, because if he is, then I’ll feel like he doesn’t really like me that much. And that, my friends, is my ugly ego running rampant in a selfish way.
It is the truest embodiment of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I want to date as I please, but all the while know my partner is so infatuated with me that it makes him sick to think of me with other men.
If he responds with “babe it’s fine, you can see other people” I’m going to want to stomp my feet and the voice in my head will scream “but doesn’t it make you mad that I’m not off the market? Don’t you want me all to yourself?”
Coming to terms with this realization feels gross. It’s like looking at a part of myself that isn’t so pretty – it’s recognizing that my ego is far more present in how I confront relationships than I care to admit.
But here’s the thing- I can’t have my cake and eat it too. Not in fair relationships, anyways.
So, I’m going to do it tomorrow. I’m going to tell him how I feel, and in a perfect world he understands. He’ll agree that an exclusive relationship is unrealistic before I move. But if he does agree, I have got to swallow my pride and accept that my feelings are going to be illogically hurt. That maybe, probably, he’ll see other people too. I’ll be upset that he doesn’t want me all for himself, even though I don’t want him to want that.
I guess the only other consideration is that, in fact, that is exactly what I want. That I want Jack to give me an ultimatum, that I want him to say he wants me all for himself. Is it possible that I’m craving the exact exclusivity I’m pretending to reject? If I feel so vulnerable about losing Jack’s attention, or seeing him with other women, then could that mean that I want to be with him and only him?
No. No, it can’t. Because I know myself, and in a few weeks I’ll be back at the off the beaten path Mexican restaurant with Jeff.
Dammit, I’ve got to tell Jack. Being honest sucks..
Respond
CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
Five People who had a Worse Weekend than You: Jack
The Single Woman’s Dating Playbook: Keeping another guy in your back pocket at all times
Used to really love reading your stuff, CMV, but this one just pissed me off. This dude was most likely under the impression that you two were “dating” aka “only dating each other” when he asked to take you out on a “real” date and you insisted that the other times were “real” dates (in a previous page of your playbook). Now, you’re just going to blindside him with the fact that someone you’ve only met 6 months ago just happens to stop by town and you go out of your way to go out with him and end with kissing? Oh, but it’s ok, “we’ve had a standing date”.
Get out of here. In any situation, Jack loses and you win. If he decides to tell you to take a hike, he loses you, and you get your precious validation. If he ropes you in, you still get your validation, but he’ll have this nagging feeling that you’re going to drop him once another option comes around. If he says ok, still have two guys (and prob more), but he only has you.
Maybe I’m just a salty, lonely, “beta-male” (ironic, since “Chad” is in my username). I do know that I’ve been hurt by these kind of women in college who would leave me when someone “better” comes along. One even had the gall to tell me that I would be great for a “serious” relationship and that she’s just looking to have fun. Thought I’d lose that after graduating, but apparently the women are just as immature.
After reading this, and how you’re trying to take the high road by admitting your selfish motives, I hope you have some really good tricks in that playbook to save yourself.
Girl is annoying. Caroline is rude. This is vile.
Rekt
I was very recently the “Jack,” except she didn’t have the decency to be honest, but ghosted out of nowhere. I found out about two weeks later after the fade/ghosting when she went fb official with the “Jeff” (letting me know it had been going on for awhile).
Men and women both go through this all the time nowadays. You want to know the short answer to your article? Just tell Jack that you’re not feeling it anymore and you’re seeing someone else- this is the best move with the least blow back, which he’ll respect for you not wasting his time and so he won’t be wondering “what the hell happened?”
Any other option is just cruel and cowardly, and will leave more hurt feelings (whether he says it or not) and look bad on you. Do the right thing, be straight forward and let him go.
Unpopular opinion: I was team Jack in the article about going out for drinks with Leo but the more I learn about this relationship, the more neutral I’ve become. CMV and Jack have only been seeing each other for a month, they are not exclusive, CMV is moving, and she’s only 22… I’ve been a Jack, I’ve been a Leo, and I’ve been a Jeff. Even if Jack and CMV don’t talk about her move very often, it’s on his mind. We all feel sorry for Jack as if we’re positive he’s not seeing other people and views the relationship as an exclusive thing. I don’t know about the other guys on here, but if I knew my fling was going to move in a month, I would either be trying to lock that down and actively talking about how to make it work once she leaves, or I would be looking around at other options, while still having fun with what I’ve got. Just because he’s still sweet to her doesn’t mean there’s no one else on his mind and if there not exclusive, maybe he has the maturity to just see it through and end on a good note, and become a Leo or Jeff once she moves.
Yes, CMV admitted some pretty ugly thoughts that are most likely are caused by insecurity. I know I’m insecure sometimes and I’ve had the same thoughts. I’d be willing to bet that most of us have wanted to have and eat the cake too – if you haven’t, I bet you would if you were in the position. The honesty is refreshing and I don’t get all fired up reading about a girl who is doing what guys have done for ages. Like all of us, CMV is just learning about herself – including the ugly parts.
FOH with the White Knight narrative. We’re all pieces of shit in some way or another.
I love this username
You said this a lot better than I could have, thank you
Another huge thing is girl and Caroline aren’t real people
I could stay in the PGPverse by saying Kendra > CMV
Except Kendra sucked at writing and CMV doesn’t. I wouldn’t want to go on more than a few dates with CMV, but she’s a hell of a writer. She knows how to paint a vivid picture in our minds and evoke strong emotions. People figuratively booed Kendra off stage, CMV gets a dialogue going.
People love dialogue
yeah you’re right. It’s been so long since we’ve had the misfortune of reading Kendra articles, I almost forgot how poorly written they all were. Sometimes I wonder how TSM still stays relevant
Who told Red-Pill reddit about PGP?
BODIED EM
This bitch is annoying. Am I right boys?
Is “stop kinda-dating Jeff” not an option here? You seem really conflicted about Jack’s feelings and response to the situation, but you don’t have the same reservations about having this conversation with Jeff. How would he feel about you dating Jack? Safe money is that you like the independence and carefree style of your part-time boyfriend in Jeff (like you talk about in one of your early articles). With Jack, it feels like a much more serious situation, which may be uncomfortable and put you off your game. The impending move complicates all this further. But unless Jack’s response may change your mind, are you just trying to pull forward that eventual breakup?You’re worried about Jack making you feel less wanted, but aren’t you doing the same thing to him already?
*!~ I M O ~!*
Either way either this dude is gonna be hurt because your kissing dudes, or you are gonna be hurt because he’s cool with it. Maybe I just don’t “get” dating, but why not just stick with the good thing for a while and see how it pans out?
Then again its all just like, my opinion, man. I’m not trying to be overly critical here either, I just read stuff like this and get genuinely disheartened that people are so fast to move on to the next thing/throw a cool thing in the gutter.
Good luck.
I feel like this hurts Jack regardless. Unless I’m way off base, even if I weren’t really into a girl and didn’t actually care about her, I’d still be hurt that she felt the need and desire to have “more” than me in the same way CMV describes.
Overall, I’m 100% behind your sentiment that people are too quick to move on, as I’ve said in previous articles.
That being said, you know what the right thing to do is, CMV, so do it. Even though it’ll suck.
Poor Jack
I think it’s cute that you think you don’t know what you’re doing here.
You’re not conflicted at all, you’re having your cake and eating it too.
Bang surfer guy today, get established biz man for the long term, post move.
Pretty classic and not unique.
Can’t think of a better way to tell him than with an internet articls
I was in a pseudo-relationship like this before my move, but because of the impending move we just talked and decided to not actually go exclusive or anything. You don’t have to tell Jack you went out with Jeff, but you might want to tell him you don’t expect him to be exclusive since you’re moving.
being a good, honest person is tough, which is way there are so few people that do it and would rather just ghost someone
For someone who goes on what seems like a ton of dates and has countless men at any given time (based off what I have read, which is dope for you if this is the case), I’m very curious to see what CMV looks like and I’d like to have a conversation with her. She seems cool, its just hard to build an image in my head based off the articles. I guess I’m just someone who likes to see a person and hear their voice because it makes reading articles that much better. (ex:listening to the guys on TB, it has made it easier to read the articles and understand because I have an image of the authors in the back of my mind.)
If you’re moving in two months, which means you and Jack, will not be in a relationship in two months, where exactly is the predicament?