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Once or twice a night, I wake up from REM sleep to pee. I’ve got a small bladder, okay? So last night I’m on pee number one of the night. I stumbled my way to the bathroom in the dark and I started to think about something that I shouldn’t have been.
I’m not a lawman. I don’t know if this could get me in trouble. I’m very much hoping it won’t. I’m just a guy admitting that he thought about something that I think most of us have thought about before.
The difference between me and all of the other closet sociopaths out there is that I’m choosing to blog about it. When I woke up last night, I had one thing on my mind: Murder.
How easy is it to get away with a murder? I think if I took a straw poll, most would say that murdering someone you know is incredibly difficult. Alibi and expert testimony, along with those pesky DNA tests – all of that stuff usually comes together to do people in.
You look at shows like The Staircase and The Jinx, and as a casual observer, your mind naturally gravitates towards the person automatically being guilty. And in both of those shows, I have no doubt that the defendants were both guilty. For the most part, I think that murdering your spouse or killing a close friend for their stack of fat cash hidden underneath their bed would be incredibly difficult. I’ve learned from watching hours upon hours of television that a homicide almost always involves two people who know each other.
However, I’m under the impression that murdering a random person and getting away scot-free isn’t such a tall order when you really think about it. I don’t have the killing gene to do this. I don’t hate anyone enough to do something that extreme. I’ve seen The Night Of.
That pretty much confirmed I will never have the balls to put myself in a situation where I have to go through what that kid went through in the show. I know there are cameras everywhere. Leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for the cops to find is inevitable in this day and age. But for the sake of argument, hear me out for a second.
What would it take, realistically, to kill a person you have no affiliation with whatsoever? And what would you do it with? Candlestick in the Library? Revolver in the ballroom? Pull a Pat Bateman and just carry a butcher’s knife around?
Now, let me again reiterate, this is an impossible question for me to answer. I simply wouldn’t be able to handle the blood to kill someone. I mean, look at the evidence I have right here for you courtesy of YouTube:
First of all, what a pretentious line from the spry Mr. Bateman: Why? You drinking? Is that why you lost it [the job]? Insider Trading? Just Kidding! [guffaw, guffaw]
Second of all, this is exactly what I’m saying. You’re probably not going to be able to replicate a scene from American Psycho but watching Patrick Bateman maim and kill with such abandon is comparable to witnessing Kobe Bryant’s 80 point night or MJ’s double-overtime thriller against Celtics.
These guys make it look easy. I’m not saying I could do it, all I’m saying is that if you wanted to, you could probably get away with it. You’ll almost certainly have horrible nightmares for the rest of your life (unless you’re actually a psychopath), but it’s possible. That’s all I’m saying.
Which leads me to my next, rather macabre point. Disposing of a body like this probably isn’t even necessary. This is where I could see you tripping up. Getting rid of a body takes intricate planning. We saw what happened with Robert Durst when he dismembered that guy in The Jinx. Trashbags filled with chopped up limbs will float, Mr. Durst. Probably should have thought that one through a little better. But a guy on the street like we see in the clip above? No problem.
I know this is starting to read like a “How 2 Murder For Dummies” blog or something so I’ll leave you with a couple of parting thoughts and hope that someone doesn’t try framing me for murder now.
You really can look at this in one of two ways: 1. You can come away from it in agreement with me. “Huh. I guess ol’ J.D. actually is right. It would be pretty easy to do it if you wanted to.” or 2. “What a goddamn freak.”
Both of these options are totally acceptable. I’d also like to repeat that I never said I could murder someone. I really couldn’t do it. That’s way too heavy of a situation for me to handle. For the last time, all I’m saying is it’d be pretty easy to do if you felt like it. .
Image via Youtube
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jduda@grandex.co
Glanced at the stock photo and thought this was alluding to cheating on your significant other on the floor ala Shaggy. Got dark real quick.
You’re not the only one!
I just found out that 49% of KC murders go unsolved. I’d take those odds.
In Chicago, it’s significantly worse. Some parts of the city (Englewood & Lawndale) it’s closer to 75% don’t get solved. Hence the nickname “Chiraq”.
Gotta love Westport.
Guys, it’s much simpler. Get into politics, take campaign contributions from Saudi Arabia, find a minuscule reason to occupy a resource rich but poor part of the world, use an entity that has an annual budget of $700Billion, watch from a “war room” far away through high res cameras as an entire cities burn and populations are dissolved. Repeat until you win a Nobel Peace Prize or you can retire and write a book about your new found interest in painting inanimate objects lol
This both speaks to and depresses me.
Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?
Merry Christmas
Food for thought: a random murder should be planned on daylight savings. If you drive an hour away, murder someone randomly then drive back home, clock goes back an hour and you buy something at a store with
Your debit card, there’s your alibi. (I realize there’s probably holes in this theory, this is just my contribution of my random murder thoughts)
Drive a half hour away. There and back is the hour you get from the time change, and it’s like you never left
That’s what I was getting at. I’m clearly not good with math or numbers
From what I understand from some cursory reading of forensic articles (read: a Cracked article), if you murder someone who you don’t know, somewhere you don’t usually go, and they can’t find the murder weapon, the odds are in your favor that you’ll get away with it.
@ Fyodor Dostoyevsky next time. He had some thoughts on this question about 150 years ago
This is exactly what someone would publish to try and get someone off their tail while planning a murder.
After watching Law&Order re-runs for several years, I don’t think I could.