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You feel that? It’s the collective breath of fresh air you can take in now that wedding season has finally died down and you can have a few weekends to yourself. It’s time to pad the bank account, trim up, and prepare for the next wave of weddings that’ll make you wonder how you ever drank like that every night in your early 20s.
And if you’re one of the poor saps who have to hit the ground running because you proposed last Christmas, well, follow these steps and ensure your friend consider your wedding to be a blessing rather than a beating.
I. Thou shall not have a destination wedding.
No matter how you cut the cake, it’s going to be a destination for someone. But whatever you do, just don’t make it a destination wedding for everyone.
Listen. We aren’t all trying to get our passports stamped during a non-descript weekend in April. Vacation days come at a premium, so requiring the majority of your guests to hop a flight and spend a hungover Sunday dreading customs isn’t exactly defined as “crowd-pleasing.” At the end of the day, you’ll save money because shipping a band who knows Motown classics to the Dominican Republic isn’t exactly cheap.
II. Thou shall not have a holiday weekend wedding.
Holiday weekends are meant for one thing and one thing only: spending time on the water.
In theory, yes, you’re helping your wedding guests out because you’re not forcing them to take an extra day of vacation on the back-end. But they’re all still taking Friday off to head there a day early and get to the rehearsal dinner, so they’re burning PTO on what would’ve otherwise been a lazy Friday ahead of a three-day weekend.
Oh, and flights over Memorial Day and Labor Day Weekends? Brutal.
III. Thou shall have a short ceremony.
Few things take the steam out of day drinking before a reception like that of a full Catholic mass. I’m not telling anyone how they should spend their Sundays, but it’s 2017 and not everyone’s going to have the same beliefs. Save the wine sipping for the after-party and let everyone get in and out in under fifteen minutes. God will forgive you.
IV. Thy reception shall be close to thy chapel.
If I’m sitting bitch in a monkey suit for 45 minutes between the church and the country club, I’m mentally cursing out anyone who had a hand in planning the affair. Sweating through my suit is something saved for the dance floor, not for the ride to and from everywhere you’re requiring me to be.
Unless you have pre-planned transportation for the masses (a highly underrated move), no one wants to be en route anywhere. While a party bus is as good as it gets, five plus-ones who met the night before driving in some dude’s Tahoe is every guy’s version of hell.
V. Thou shall schedule all speeches at the rehearsal dinner.
The easiest way to suck the life out of a reception is by letting a long-winded bridesmaid cry over their freshman year dorm room. If the first groomsman who walked down the aisle has a mic in his hand at any point mid-reception, something’s gone completely wrong.
The only person who should even entertain clinking a champagne flute to get everyone’s attention is the father-of-the-bride making a brief toast before throwing down on a prayer. He’s the one tipping the bartenders at the end of the night so you can pay your respects.
VI. Thou shall not have a plated dinner.
Nothing makes me want to literally die as much receiving an invite where I have to choose between chicken, steak, or fish. Not because I know it will suck (it will) or because there isn’t a vegan-friendly option, but because I know that I’m going to have to watch a bunch of waiters-dressed-as-penguins attempt to bring 150 identical dinners out all at once while we all sit there wondering when we can go mix it up and let loose.
Buffet? Sign me up. Small bites? Give me all of ’em. No dinner at all? Legitimately better than waiting for three courses to get brought out while I sit next to someone I don’t know who probably should’ve RSVP’d “no.”
VII. Thou shall not make guests sit through slideshows ever.
I understand that the maid of honor spent a good two hours slaving over this PowerPoint presentation while setting it to “What A Wonderful World,” but slideshows are for funerals — not weddings. Yes, they’re cute. Yes, they get you a little choked up. And yes, the groom put on 25 pounds after college. It’s just a constant reminder of how good we all used to look before we all got in relationships and stopped caring.
VIII. Thou shall be crystal clear regarding attire.
Casual. Cocktail. Semi-formal. Dressy casual. Beach formal. Formal. Black tie optional. Black tie. White tie.
Anyone who can definitively describe the aforementioned dress codes is either 1. Carrie Bradshaw or 2. has been to too many weddings. I know I’m going to have to wear some sort of tie/coat combination but, unless it’s black tie, I’m going to be wondering what I can get away with. I don’t want to show up to your rustic barn underdressed because I was the dipshit who thought, “Why would I dress up to be in a barn?” Put it on your wedding website so I know what to take to the dry cleaners the Wednesday before.
IX. Thou shall not allow kids.
This isn’t daycare. This isn’t a family vacation. This is a party and it’s 18 and up. If you’re old enough to buy cigars, you’re old enough to walk up to a country club bartender and ask for a double whiskey-coke. But once we start going down in age from there? Well, that’s when people start to be less fun.
I don’t need Trevor going home early because his newborn booted all over his dress shirt. Kids stay home and stay up late all weekend, parents get much-needed hammered, and everyone wins.
X. Thou shall have an open bar.
But I didn’t need to tell you that. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
“Thou shall allow shots” should be on here but we all know that’s an awful idea.
I beg to differ. Was at a wedding this past weekend. At the reception, we were separated into tables of 12, with various 750 ml bottles of hard alcohol per table (vodka, whiskey, tequila, etc.). Me, my girlfriend and my three cousins split two 750 ml bottles of tequila. It was a fantastic wedding and we woke up without a sliver of a hangover.
Moral of the story: learn to drink, deFries.
We get it, you drink.
Our ceremony lasted 12 minutes from the start of music to the last person out. We hold the new record.
One of my brothers was 12 mins. The Catholic side of the family was pissed but the rest of us though it was awesome.
The Catholics at our wedding seemed the most relieved. They didn’t want to sit through a full mass. Meanwhile, my MOH kept chanting “Short Protestant wedding!” as a cheer after.
Our Catholic side isn’t the fun drink and party type of Catholics. They are militant in there beliefs, so they may have just been pissed at the non Catholic nature of the wedding more then the length of the wedding. Regardless only one side had fun that night.
Challenge accepted.
I didn’t time mine but it was definitely sub-10 minutes. The dozen people there really needed to start drinking their hangovers away more aggressively than they already had been.
10 minute guy here. Loved it
Though shall not host weddings during SEC Football Saturdays.
You can as long as you are ok with people not coming and are willing to show the game at the reception.
While getting my nails done in August, I was chatting with the girl next to me. She was heading to a wedding in Alabama. An evening reception, on the day of the Bama v FSU game. I asked her if the couple expected any of their guests to show up.
There are 13 Saturdays of the year that are off limits. Don’t be a selfish douchebag and pick one of those 13 Saturdays. -from someone who has to attend an evening wedding while every major conference championship will be on in 2 weeks
I attended a wedding in Athens the day of the SEC championship when UGA lost to Bama. The bride and groom were smart enough not to come to the reception until the game was over but common sense wedding planning could’ve avoided that whole ordeal.
Having a destination wedding is code for “we’re inviting you because we have to but honestly if none of you show up that’s perfectly fine.”
I don’t think it’s a sin. It’s an unspoken agreement between wedding party and guests.
We got married on a Monday partially for this reason. I wanted 20 people there, and mom wanted 200. It lucked out that the church where we met only had a Monday opening that worked. Honestly it was a blast and most people just came on lunch and left
I would have no qualms about telling everybody who doesn’t want to travel to fuck off , but my fiancee wants a large wedding and I respect that.
10/10 (humble brag)
XI: Though shall have a live band.
Strongly disagree
What’s your argument against a live band? We had one and it made our reception, without a doubt
I just prefer a DJ.. There’s so much more variety of music that can be played by a DJ than a live band.. Play something for every age group
For the record I️ didn’t Meh you (highly out of my nature to knock a fellow PGPer). BUT the move is live band + selected playlist for the set break / specific songs you want since most bands charge extra to learn songs not in their repertoire.
Second, show me a person having a bad time in the presence of a horn section and I’ll show you one generally miserable SOB who shouldn’t be at your wedding in the first place.
I respect that move
I respect this argument, but I also think you’re wrong. Our band killed it from oldies to their take on modern pop. But hey, let’s not argue when everyone is just trying to dance and celebrate love, regardless of how the music is delivered
If the DJ or live band rocks, I don’t care what you have. I’ve been to weddings with great DJs and others with a great band and had a blast at them all. I think a mediocre DJ is less noticeable than a mediocre live band though, so it’s a safer play especially if the band doesn’t have a lot of range in what they can play.
Also, if the band has to take a break of any kind(depending how long you have them for), then it can definitely kill the dance floor and take a while to ramp back up when they start playing again.
if there’s no open bar there’s no me
uninvited
II is the most egregious sin here. Don’t steal a holiday weekend from me.
NYE wedding is what we decided. When you’re 29, nothing really sounds better than having an open bar from 7 pm to 1 am. No one has to make plans and it’s at a hotel.
Love that. NYE is one of the most overrated nights of the year, so if I can dress up and have an open bar for the cost of my wedding gift.. I’m in.
I have one to attend this year.
I normally agree with the commandment and have not attended the other holiday weddings I’ve been invited to, but you’re spot on…NYE at this point is a great day for a celebration.
I’m too old for all-you-can-drink packages where you fight your way to the bar all night and NYE at a house is just less cool than at an open bar with your friends.
Good choice. Just don’t be pissed if a few people disagree and RSVPd no.
Had a Catholic wedding but made it the “non-mass” version hoping that would cut down time. The priest figured since we cut out about 20 minutes, that gave him an extra 20 minutes for his homily. Thus my poor guests had to sit though a 30 minute speech (on top of the rest of the ceremony) where the priest became VERY graphic on the expectations of the wedding night.
In addition, I also did the no kids rule. 7 out of my 9 cousins boycotted my wedding due to the fact their children couldn’t come, but honestly it was worth it.
LOL, I was at a wedding just like this last month. Priest spent the whole ceremony explaining that marriage is a contract to procreate and make Catholics and didn’t say much else.
Y’all got me really excited for my future catholic wedding. Hope I’m buzzed enough to survive. Guaranteed my future husband will fall asleep.
Another wedding I went to for a buddy had a full Catholic mass. The church coordinator (who is actually my aunt) and the priest spent a good 15 minutes glaring at the groomsmen during the rehearsal and threatening to cancel the wedding if there was any drinking prior to the ceremony. FUCK THAT NOISE. I didn’t drive 7 hours back to BFE to not get toasted.
Tough to go 10/10 here. Planning a wedding is a nightmare. Stick the basics of good food, good dj/band, open bar and everyone will be just fine.
Agreed. Total nightmare. I’m 9/10, but that’s because I disagree about no plated dinner. As a lady, if I’m in a nice dress and heels, the last thing I want to do is try to navigate walking through 150+ guests to my seat while carrying a full plate of food and a full drink. I’ve seen one too many spills happen. A wedding is a nice event and your guests probably spent a lot of $$ to be there. I think the move is to serve them rather than make them serve themselves. Just my two cents.
It’s not like you won’t have fun with a great DJ. Your criteria is all that is needed, with a “don’t be pissed if I say no to your holiday or destination wedding@