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It was during my first year of middle school that I found myself becoming the quintessential shitbag teenager. It was a gradual process, but without even realizing it, I became moody. I no longer wanted to hang out with my parents and anything they had to say to me was met with a groan, scoff, mumble, or a combination of all three.
By the middle of sixth grade, my mother was fed up with my behavior, and after school one day I was informed that three Saturdays a month for the next year (maybe more if I couldn’t behave) I would be attending cotillion. A school where one learns manners. With nowhere to run and a fear of being punished even further, I conceded defeat and began going to cotillion.
Saturdays became a hellish nightmare worse than any day I had ever had at school. While my friends were outside playing basketball or getting some Madden in, I was in class with other boys and girls learning how to do the foxtrot. I was quite literally shown how to take a girl’s arm and walk her to a waiting vehicle.
But of all the useless, mundane shit that I learned in cotillion school, by far the most valuable thing that I got out of it was table etiquette. The difference between a salad, fish, and dinner fork. How to split a check (this was before cell phones came equipped with fancy calculators and interactive screens). And most importantly, the need to be courteous to the person waiting on your table.
They’re handling the food that is about to go into your mouth. Always tipping 20%, not sending back your order for a ridiculous reason, and learning their name – these are all things that you should do when you’re dining out.
Last week, I realized something as I waited for my server to come back around to the table I was at, though. I could not for the life of me remember if there was a correct way to motion for a check. Obviously, the ideal, polite thing to do is simply ask. But sometimes a waiter gets busy. Sometimes the people at your table become antsy but are too chicken-shit themselves to be the dickhead that waives the garcon down for the check.
It’s in those moments that you need to become inventive. Is it a little rude? Obtuse, even, to flag your waiter down with a hand signal? Yes. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I present to you now the three best ways to motion for a check when simply asking for it isn’t going to work. The person waiting your table isn’t going to like any of them very much so you better be sure to tip accordingly.
The Air Signature.
This is a classic. You know what I’m talking about. You take your hand and hold it up high in the waiter’s direction while writing your signature with an air pen. You’ll no doubt have a smug smile on your face while you do it, and while there’s a very good chance that the waiter is going to hate your guts when he sees you motioning like this, it’s not like he can spit in your food at this point. Leave the guy a 20% tip and the disdain he had for you just minutes earlier will dissipate like a fart in the wind.
Mouthing a sentence and hoping that the waiter can read lips.
The restaurant has to be very loud and very busy for you to employ this tactic because this one just feels incredibly pretentious and rude. Mouthing the phrase “Could we get the check” while also nodding your head and making a bit of a face is, for lack of a better term, douchebaggery at its finest. It’s going to work, though. You’ll get your check in due time, but you better be tipping 25 to 30% if you pull this stunt. Not recommended, but it’ll do in a pinch.
The Combination.
Combining these last two moves into one douchetastic power move is going to rub your waiter and probably a few nearby tables the wrong way. If you decide to combine the mouthing of the sentence “Could we get the check” with the air motion of signing your signature, you are beyond douchebag status.
You enter into a stratosphere reserved for the most elitist, snobby dickheads in all of the world. I’m not going to say that you need to tip your waiter 50% in this instance, but anything less than 30 and you deserve to get spit on by the entire wait staff. If you want to get extra douchey, take your spare hand and hold up your napkin with your free hand while simultaneously mouthing the check phrase and signing for the check with your air pen in your other hand.
I can’t say that I necessarily recommend any of these. I don’t employ methods like this all of the time, but I’m not going to pretend like there aren’t instances where they come in handy either. Use them at your own discretion and always, always remember to give your waiter a healthy tip. .
Image via Unsplash
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jduda@grandex.co
I usually try the “power move” of handing the waiter my card as he hands me the check without looking at it. Then I try not to cry as I sign the check and see the total for the first time
Your mom made you go to cotillion as a youth? That explains a lot.
Yeah I almost feel bad for Duda, key word on the almost.
Obviously you have to do a more subtle hand gesture that gets the server’s attention both audibly and visually, like snapping your fingers. It’s just the most respectful way to ask for a check.
have never been drunk enough in a restaurant to try the finger snap (but it sounds thrilling).
Finger snapping is a big hit at strip clubs.
I prefer ass slapping at the strip club.
Gotta pay extra for that action.
My old man does the finger snap and It takes every ounce of my being not to slap him upside the head
I was a server all through college and none of these are offensive if you’ve been a cool or respectful table during the meal. Conversely if when I greet the table and ask how y’all are and you respond with your drink order, I’ll call you on it and hate you no matter the tip amount.
Yea I saw no big deal with any of these really, as long as you ask nicely and say thank you we were good to go. Takes all of 5 seconds to go grab your check
From a consumer standpoint, I always assumed this was the case. Thanks for confirming.
Consider me a douchebag for trying to save the waiter some time and prevent them from interrupting the conversation randomly.
I️ usually try to wait in hopes that the waiter forgets about our existence and then we just leave the 30% of what the bill is in cash for the waiter without paying the actual bill as we all stealthily sneak out. Forget coupons or gift cards. This is a good move at the Chessecake Factory because that place is costing us more in health insurance premiums than anything else so I don’t feel bad for not paying for their overpriced Monsanto food lol
Thoughts on the hand swipe across the throat “can I close out” when you make eye contact across the room? That’s my go to.
I do that all the time
Lord fuck. I must be such a d-bag. I do all three of these on a regular basis. Isnt the air signature standard issue??!!
If this bothers servers then they are the ones with issues. Try doing sales and have people curse your mother every 5 phone calls.
I’ve always wondered why people are obsessed with server’s opinions. Imagine if they had to perform an actual important job while taking shit from clients.
going with your previous take of ordering coffee after dinner, just ask for it then? if it takes a while, at least you have a piping hot cup of coffee to sip on while you wait!