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“What am I doing here?” I think as I scope the playing field of this networking event. Groups of suited strangers are gathered across the bar, making an impressive amount of useless small talk. I hate networking. I like meeting new people, but these aren’t people. They are fortresses that have built up extraordinary walls to protect the thoughts that they believe are not marketable to business professionals. A shot of alcohol to kick off the event should have been required to get these rigid cubicle drones to loosen up.
I wince as I overhear “So, where are you from?” as I walk towards the bartender. It feels like fraternity rush all over again, except no one will get drunk enough to set something on fire or punch a hole in the wall.
You don’t go to a conference, seminar, or networking event to write up a character report on each person you meet. You are there to hopefully make some friends, because friends help each other out more than a couple of strangers who traded business cards at the last accounting seminar downtown. Be interesting and you will meet interesting people in return, right? That’s how it goes? So, let’s make networking events somewhat worth your while again (solid hat slogan), shall we?
Here’s a breakdown of the types of people you don’t want to be at your next event. Because the first step to making new, business-savvy and well connect friends, is to exclude people.
The Watcher
This person was probably forced to go to the event by a friend, coworker, family, or employer. They clearly do not want to be there due to being shy or uncomfortable and will spend the majority of their time watching people from a distance. They might imagine what they would say to the people they observe, but never actually move from their spot. Once you get past the initial awkwardness, you might come across one of these Watchers with a pretty interesting story, but they were too nervous to approach anyone and share it.
The Card Dealer
This person gets a 0/10 on quality of conversation but 10/10 on business card sleight of hand. They will approach you with a glossy card in one hand and an open hand ready for your card. Despite only speaking for a minute before heading off for him next victim contact, he will send a bland LinkedIn message saying how much he loved talking with you. In most cases, you can probably toss their card in the trash. Your rented apartment doesn’t need a new roof, you don’t need supplemental insurance, and your employer already has “IT solutions.”
The Paparazzi
Honestly, these people are the worst. These guys are probably the same people who shoot their shot in the reply section of a viral tweet after seeing a girl reply. It’s a desperate attempt at glory, and a networking event or conference is no exception. They’re scouting out the most important person in the room and will push anyone out of the way to get to their target. The best part about these people is watching their plan erupt into flames every single time. If the person they want to talk to is the main speaker at a conference, celebrity, or CEO at a company retreat, there’s a 100 percent chance their target will completely forget the Paparazzi’s interaction in under 10 minutes. Skip these people in general.
Network Clinger
Unfortunately, this guy was me for some time. Going to an event that’s focused on networking with other professionals is intimidating, especially when you go alone. So, how did I reduce that discomfort level? By hanging out with the first decent person I met, of course. The contacts he or she meets is, therefore, the people you meet. You can use prior conversations with your new “BFF 4 Lyfe” as templates for new conversations, and sending that person a LinkedIn request isn’t as awkward since you “hung out” for at least an hour. Don’t be this guy. You are the equivalent of a barnacle on a boat. You may enjoy the free ride, but they are hoping to scrape you off as soon as possible.
If you can avoid being one of these people, you’ll be just fine. People will most likely remember you more if you go in there relaxed and ditch the robotic formal persona. And if all else fails, be sure to take a shot beforehand. Works every time..
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@Trush21
@Trush21
Trush21
Once had a lady come up to me and introduce herself and tell me about her product. She was selling whitening toothpaste. No big deal, just another one of those people, except:
1. If you come up to me and immediately start selling your product, I don’t care how much I need it, I won’t be getting it from you.
2. When you come up to me 30 minutes later and introduce yourself again and give me the same exact spiel without even realizing you already connected with me because you’re more interested in yourself than anyone else here, please fuck off.
The only thing fucking off is these Huevos Rancheros out of my bung-hole, erupting with the thrusting power of Mount St. Helens
Get the fuck out of my replies.
Or what, champ?
I’ll tell your mother to change the wifi password in the basement when I see her tonight.
That’s the best comeback you could come up with, slugger? If I want my come back, I’ll go wipe it off of your mother’s face, buddy boy.
Had to do these in college during public accounting recruiting and they sucked. Few things are worse than having to suck up to people 3 years older than you and making a below average starting salary, but with my GPA on the lower side of things, I had to get on my knees and give it my all.
I’m an attorney. Networking events suckkkkk. The taking a shot beforehand is always the move.
The ones you have to go to for law school are the absolute worst. It’s always like 5 or 6 brand new associates who drew the short straw in the office and about 100 law students swarming them.
When somebody I just met wants to connect on LinkedIn, I just simply walk away.
The last networking event I went to, I was in the bathroom wiping my bung-hole the entire time since they served Huevos Rancheros and beef-chimichanga burritos. Jeez, it was like scraping melted cheese off of a patty melt.
Networking events are awful. The only good networking I’ve ever done is on the golf course or at happy hour.
Formal networking events are the worst, very small chance im spending my free time talking to people I dont know and probably won’t see again.
We don’t really do this in my field unless you’re in management. You’re either a competent nurse or you’re not. Thank god.
You comment currently has 4 upvotes and its below 2 other comments with less upvotes. I don’t know why but its really bothering me.