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“We’ve been waiting to do this for so long,” she claimed after stepping away from her hug with Caroline in the entrance of the restaurant.
The look on Todd’s face toward John said, “Wait…we have?”
With John and Caroline enduring the brutality of a Whole 30 in September, it made it difficult for them to be as social as they normally are. Only Todd and John knew that John had snuck away after work to sneak in some beers, and giving that information up would lead to death for both parties.
Todd had lobbied to go to a restaurant that served anything but tapas, but against his will, he agreed to go to Heirloom – a newly-opened restaurant in the heart of downtown that was considered impossible to get a reservation for. Unfortunately for him, his other half had received a voicemail letting her know of an opening at 9 p.m. on the coming Friday.
“Soooooooooooo,” Caroline drew out just before placing her napkin on her lap, “Tell me all about this trip you’ve been planning!”
She pretended to blush before beginning her answer. It was, after all, the exact reason she had planned the double date in the first place. John, meanwhile, scooted his chair over about six inches in hopes of getting a better view of the ballgame that played on the only television in the restaurant.
“I mean, I’m so behind on planning,” she told the entirety of the table where only one person was actually listening. “Like, I’ve looked up guides but I don’t want some rando website’s guide to Paris.” She pronounced it “Pair-ee.”
Caroline nodded along.
“I’ve considered posting a Facebook status to ask for suggestions,” she continued, “but honestly, I feel like that’s such a humblebrag. It’s almost as tacky as checking in at the airport before you take off.”
Knowing she did this three months ago before their long weekend in Maine, Caroline made a mental note to delete her airport status when she got home that night.
“Well, I’m sure it will be special nonetheless,” Caroline assured her with her eyes fixated on Todd who stared blankly into the menu that consisted of nothing but small plates – mussels, vegetables with the word “baby” preceding them, meatballs made from lamb, and a $15 grilled wagyu sirloin that sounded good but would definitely underwhelm.
Without acknowledging what Caroline had said, Todd chimed in. It had been nine hours since he had lunch and he was scolded for snacking prior to the meal. To put it bluntly, he was starving.
“Does anyone mind if I wave our waiter over and order some appetizers?” he asked a little too aggressively.
“Ugh, Todd,” she responded, “Can’t we at least settle in and have a glass of wine?”
At that moment, a busboy breezed by their table only for Todd to stop him and plead for a basket of bread.
She tightly grabbed Todd’s hand under the table in a way that tacitly told him to rein it in. Caroline, always the instigator, quickly changed the subject from the food back to their trip to Paris.
“So Todd, what do you have planned?”
He knew exactly what she was referring to but was too hungry to play her game. Instead, he listed off three museums he wanted to go to in order to suppress Caroline’s hints at a proposal. He felt her hand move away from his under the table and grab her napkin on for her to tell everyone, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to the ladies room.” Caroline debated going with her but decided to stay behind to both chastize John for being mentally absent and to lecture Todd about his future responsibilities.
Once she was out of earshot, Caroline leaned in slightly. “Todd,” she sternly said, “You better come up with a pretty good fucking plan.”
“Are we really doing this right now?” he shout-whispered in response.
“Are you going to do it, Todd?”
He visibly rolled his eyes before giving an answer he had planned weeks the second he heard the dinner was happening. “I think that’s up to me to figure out.”
Caroline, clearly acting with a sense of urgency to get her point across before she returned from the bathroom, finished a sip of her wine and reiterated, “Seriously, plan something before I have to do it for you.”
“Please stop, Caroline,” Todd pleaded.
“John told me that your parents gave you a ring for her,” she continued while looking over her shoulder. “I’m going to need to see that before you do anything with it, and honestly, we should probably go ring shopping just in case it’s–”
“Ring shopping? Are you kidding?” he interrupted.
“Uh, yeah, Todd,” Caroline mocked. “Last time I fucking checked, you could afford a pretty damn nice ring rather than some family heirloom.”
He rolled his eyes again and saw behind Caroline that she had left the bathroom and was approaching the table.
“I’m emailing you this week because I know you just leave your iPad unlocked at your apartment for everyone to see,” Caroline said in closing.
“Wait,” Todd hesitated, “What?”
“So!” she said excitedly as she sat back down at the table. “Did we decide on anything to eat?”
Caroline looked down at her menu as if she had spent the duration of her bathroom trip debating what to get. Pretending to have dissected every bit of it, she pitched getting the marinated olives and roasted nuts along with the blistered shishito peppers.
“Uh,” Todd while also looking at the menu, “I’m not sure that’s going to be enough.”
“Oh, so now you know what you want,” Caroline mumbled passive-aggressively. He looked up at her as if he was going to lunge across the table.
Unsure of why things seemed tangibly tense (but not really unsure), she interrupted both Todd and Caroline’s awkwardness to suggest that they order all seven tapas plates in addition to a meat and cheese board. “I did some research online beforehand,” she assured them, “And t-b-h, I think we can probs finish it all. Is that so bad?”
“Nope,” Todd told her. “I’m in for that.”
“Monsieur,” she said to a gentleman standing near their table, “Would you mind if we ordered some dishes?”
Confused as to why he was just referred to as “Monsieur,” he took out his notepad and began scribbling down everything she listed off. Naturally, he told the table that they had made “wonderful choices,” which made sense considering they ordered nearly the entire menu.
But it was while she was ordering that Todd looked down at his phone and saw a calendar invite from Caroline whose eyes were peering down at her illuminated screen underneath the table.
12 p.m. on Tuesday, October 24th. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
This needs to be said:
Fuck Caroline.
Her roses really smell like boo boo booooooo
I just got paid 9k dollar working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over 14k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do…
Can you hook Girl up with that job?
The VERY annoying Caroline is at it again. Trump has warned before that she was up to no good! If the very annoying Caroline continues to push Todd’s hand, Todd may be forced to handle potential proposal plans over Paris trip just like Trump handled the horrendous Obama nuclear Iran deal – DECERTIFIED!..We don’t want to have to do it, but we just may have no choice, people…Now Caroline plans to “inspect” Todd’s grandmother’s ring before approving it for Girl. Not going to happen Todd. Reminds me of Little Rocket Man who thinks he can plan to continue highly illegal testing in North Korea – Not going to happen under Trump! The worst part of all has to be total leightweight John who offered no help to John at all. John is about as useful as Mitch “Kermit the Frog” McConnell is in the Senate for Trump – NO Loyalty, NO Respect! These are very BAD people. Todd must be SMART!
I enjoy these as much, if not more than the actual columns. Someone hire this man as a remote writer. Looking at you @dave.
He already has a job.
He’s more qualified for this job though
Get this CMcK11 the hell out of here…You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They’d be carried out on a stretcher folks. Man, I love the old days
Not having a lock on the iPad (or any device for that matter) is just a psycho move. John may have left you out to dry, but get it together Todd.
What the fuck, John? You need to rein your psycho wife in. You can’t just sit back and let her hammer Todd like that. Fuck outta here, Caroline. Todd needs to accept the invite and then blow her off.
thats cold, but it needs to be done
Exactly. No need to even mess with the invite. 100% on John to reign the nutjob in.
In this case, Todd needs to invoke my policy of “if you’re not a chick that I’m sleeping with, you don’t get to boss me around.”
Hey Caroline, go fuck yourself.
If I’m taking my girlfriend to these ridiculous dinners and being told I can’t get some bread or appetizers…I’m sending her a venmo request for her portion before we leave the restaurant
Fantastic move.
Caroline is an absolute savage
John sitting at the table with a raging fear boner
*too hungry to play her game* is my mood all the time.
Credit to you for being a damn good writer. I cannot fucking stand Girl.
John is such a cuck for not helping out a friend in need.
Things Todd Does After Graduation: Pay Alimony
I’d bank on it.