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There’s nothing worse than inauthenticity. While those of us who write for the Internet tend to take absurd stands every now and then for the sake of the content grind (see: straws) nothing personally insults me more than someone who fakes it. You see it all the time in the world of live comedy. When a comedian commits to an “act” or “persona” that doesn’t align with at least a version of who they really are, it’s essentially a betrayal of the audience’s trust. Because while the primary reason most people come to this website, listen to an episode of a podcast or attend a live comedy show is to be entertained, the underlying secondary reason is they seek something they identify with. Comedy = truth.
So it’s time for me to speak in some infallible truths: going to the dentist is not bad.
Stop pretending to be a five-year-old every time you have to go. Here’s the entire dentist trip in a nutshell. You walk in with six to twelve months of plaque and stains on your teeth, depending on how much of a psycho you are. You walk out with your mouth looking and feeling like a million bucks.
Sure, the dental hygienist probably chastises you for not flossing more.
Or maybe you have to get an X-ray taken. Before you bitch and moan about having to breathe through your nose with a piece of wood in your mouth, remember it’s because they’re double checking there’s no structural damage to your FACE. (I’d like to point out that a lesser writer would have made a blowjob joke here but I’m better than that.)
The dentist is probably going to ask a few light-hearted questions while they have their hands in your mouth. They know you can’t answer but a confirming grunt or slight head tilt is enough to answer 90% of the questions they could possibly ask. Plus at the end of the appointment, your teeth get a polish! You can have the most vile gingivitis rankled chompers in town and they’re still going to put on a coat of polish like they’re a brand new Ferrari. The polish tastes good too, like peppermint schnapps.
Adults who whine about having to go to the dentist, explain yourselves. Of course, you’re entitled to your own opinion but like I said in the last sentence, you’re also an adult. You don’t have to love the dentist. Nobody loves going to the gym or loves getting a physical but they’re essential and important.
You don’t like the feeling of metal tools scraping your molars? Have you ever eaten with a fork before or used a toothpick? “But the sound, JR! I can’t stand that sound of the instruments against my teeth.” Does anybody like the sound of anything in their mouth?
Here’s an experiment: walk up to your significant other or close friend, ask them to open their mouth and then scream into it. Accept the fact that it’s an annoying ten minutes and move on with your life. Has the office a floor above you ever had construction being done to it for weeks on end? If you’ve survived that then you’re braver than every single pathetic whining idiot who complains about how traumatic the dentist is.
If I could, I would go to the dentist once a month no questions asked. In fact, from here on out I’m happy to go on any dentist appointments on other people’s behalf. So the next time you open your mail and see that faux birthday card from your local DDS, slide it my way. .
This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna’s back from Europe and I go into more detail about my engagement! We grade two Bumble profiles, tackle a new Love in the Headlines and talk about different Boston accents in our favorite films. Next week we’ll be joined by the third leg of the Touching Base tripod Dillon Cheverere! Please don’t forget to leave us a 5-Star Review on iTunes. The funniest 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
“You don’t like the feeling of metal tools scraping your molars? Have you ever eaten with a fork before or used a toothpick?”
How are you using forks? Cause I’m certainly not scraping my teeth with them.
Have you ever had piece of pasta on your fork and you bite down on both the fork and the pasta to drag it into your mouth?
Yeah, I do it accidentally on occasion. And it feels awful.
My hygienist and I have a solid relationship going every 6 months. It’s getting serious. Sometimes I think about just letting my teeth rot out of my skull so I can get high off that laughing gas so they can fix my mouth but being an adult sucks and I’ve realized that the costs of dental work are miserable so I still scrub my teeth twice a day while gazing into the mirror and asking myself internally if this is all just a ride before I head to my job. The dentist is like getting a therapy session except you get your moth cleaned out in the process and they guy literally doesn’t care about your well being until he sees an opportunity to make money off you lol
Psycho take.
Get out of here with your Big Dentist agenda…
Nah man, I still hate going to the dentist.
Nah, dentists are creepy man. Who voluntarily chooses to listen to soft rock and stare down peoples’ throats as a career? I’m physically uncomfortable just thinking about it.
My dentist drives a Porsche Panamera Turbo, and has a vacation condo on Siesta Key. I drive a Honda and can’t afford to rent a condo. Soo….
I’ll take a Subaru and a soul sucking desk job over a Porsche and sucking spit out of a rando’s mouth any day
Don’t disrespect the subie
No disrespect intended, I drive the Subaru and work the soul sucking desk job PGP
All I’m left with after reading this is curiosity at how the hell JR uses utensils
Low key love the dentist.
You are clearly a psychopath
Never claimed otherwise.
I had a crush on my dentist and was disappointed when I found out she was married and has a kid, sigh.
That’s never stopped 50% of married people.
Last time I went to the dentist, she complimented me on my teeth. PGPM
Last time I went I had my first cavity filled at 23 years old. Now I’m terrified to go back.