This NYC Lawyer Suing To Get Rid Of Bottomless Brunch May Ruin My Life

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I’ve found him. My arch nemesis. The biggest threat to my freedom and livelihood. He’s not a masked igniter of terror, nor is he a rogue tyrant with his fingers dangerously close to firing off nuclear warheads. And it’s not Kim Jong-Un, either. Nay, it’s the curmudgeon New York City attorney trying to rid the city of bottomless brunch. And I hate him. I hate him more than the Yankees. I hate him more than those psychopaths who try to ban porn. I hate him more than (gulp) Roger Goodell.

The guy is a crotchety old fart who doesn’t like fun, and probably hates babies and America, too. The dude needs to go. His argument is the whiniest rhetoric I’ve heard in some time, and the only way to describe this real-life Grinch is “LOSER.”

There’s a lot to lay into here, so buckle up. Maybe grab a mimosa. Hell, grab a whole bucket because before long you might have to pay for each individual one. Let’s dance with this devil.

Per The New York Post:

This lawyer is either a killjoy or a hero depending on which side of the great bottomless brunch debate you’re on.

Manhattan attorney Robert Halpern is suing the State Liquor Authority over a loophole in the 1999 law that allows the boozy brunches, saying he’s surrounded by 454 restaurants slinging drinks in the area.

“Bottomless brunches lead to more drinking in the neighborhood, which leads to more noise, more crowds and more uncivil behavior,” Halpern, 62, gripes in court papers.

First of all, there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it – this guy is a killjoy. An eater of fun. The grim reaper of brunch. Is he wrong? Well, yes and no. More crowds? More noise? Dude, you live in New York fucking City. If you don’t like crowds and noise, practice law in Chernobyl. Anyone who thinks they can make a dent in NYC’s crowds and noise is a silly dumbass. And newsflash, Harvey Dent, if you get rid of our bottomless brunch, we’ll just yell louder. As for uncivil behavior? He may have a point. Brunch is a gateway temptress.

“I hear the noise. I hear the shouting. I hear people outside my window — more people treating every evening as a celebration,” he fumed to The Post on Wednesday.

The public interest attorney says the streets around his longtime First Avenue and St. Marks Place home have changed for the worst over the past 30 years.

“Anybody who has lived in this neighborhood for a while knows that it’s gotten out of whack. There’s no balance anymore in terms of people living here and people just deciding to have fun here,” he said.

Wait wait wait. “Every evening like a celebration?” I thought we were only talking about bottomless brunch! Now he wants to lay into weeknight fun? What, no happy hours anymore either? Ol’ Robbie is out here trying to turn NYC into Boston. If I wanted to live in a place that didn’t have bottomless brunch and no happy hours, I wouldn’t have left Boston to move to the dirtiest, loudest, most crowded city in North America.

Also, this guy lives on St. Marks and First, which is basically in the heart of the East Village. Why is that significant? Well, it’s got basically all of the NYU students and the majority of non-students in the area are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed thoroughbreds right out of college. It’s not exactly the quaint streets of the Upper East Side. This guy seems to be doing pretty well as an attorney (I searched him, he’s always being listed as one of the city’s best lawyers), so what the fuck is he doing living in the East Village and not in some McMansion on Long Island, in Westchester, or some nice pad uptown? Dude’s a narc.

The SLA has claimed that bottomless brunches — where customers pay a set amount for endless mimosas and Bloody Marys — are exempt from a rule prohibiting unlimited drinks because the “service of alcohol is incidental to the event.”

Halpern insists that’s nonsense.

“Alcoholic beverages are not ‘incidental’ to the bottomless brunches, they are intrinsic to them,” he said.

The exception to the law was meant for truly special events including weddings, banquets and New Year’s Eve packages, according to Halpern’s Manhattan Supreme Court suit.

“I don’t think there’s anything particularly special about brunch,” Halpern added.

I’m no lawyer, but it would seem that alcohol is incidental because you could have bottomless pancakes, bottomless eggs benny, bottomless coffee… you see where I’m going with this. And besides, how about this oppressor of pleasure just saying flat out that he doesn’t think there’s anything special about brunch. WHAT?! This guy is like eight flews over the cuckoo’s nest. Only someone who’s never actually been to brunch would say that there’s nothing special about brunch. Brunch is the most special. That’s why people are clamoring to have brunch weddings.

“I don’t think there’s anything particularly special about brunch,” Halpern added.

“The Liquor Authority is supposed to promote temperance, not “massive consumption,” he said.

Yet, the “bottomless brunches encourage young adults to drink excessively in short periods of time in order to get the most bang or their buck,” he added.

“They are the drinker’s equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet,” Halpern said.

And he says this like it’s a bad thing!

I’m so upset that there’s even a remote possibility that one rogue attorney with a stick so far up his ass that it’s tickling his uvula might ruin bottomless brunch for literally millions of hardworking New Yorkers. New Yorkers who work tirelessly to support the economy and grind for hundreds of hours a week to make America great again, to turn our economy back into a booming empire of glory and opulence, and all we want in return is a few hours every weekend to drink an unlimited amount of Prosecco topped off with a splash of Sunny D.

It’s Robert Halpern’s generation that put our generation into the mess that is the current state of American affairs, and now he’s trying to remove the last wisps of joy that we have. You take away bottomless brunch from us and I gather that New York crumbles into a barren wasteland devoid of most fun humans, a la I Am Legend. And then Robert can live his quiet life among the empty high-rises and dystopian streets. .

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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