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There are three indisputable constants in fall – football, getting fat, and good beer. Luckily for chill dudes far and wide, these three go hand-in-hand.
But while trying to get away from your normal pumpkin-spiced lagers and generic Samuel Adams seasonals, you think to yourself, “What other options are out there for me?” Luckily, I’ve searched the entire continental foliage-filled United States for the perfect autumn beers that put out the perfect “yeah, I will only go apple picking with my girlfriend during the Patriots bye week because football is life and the rest is just details” vibe.
The Grateful Dead Inside Double IPA
ABV: 13.2%
IBU: 96
The perfect India Pale Ale for when you toss on a vest and walk outside thinking, “I really want one beer that will devastate the entirety of my body while hungover tomorrow.” Luckily you have a trust fund to not only afford all those Widespread Panic concerts, but also this highly sought after limited release. Brewed in Aspen, Colorado by Trip Fitzgerald IV, it’s sure to make you wonder, “Did I eat asparagus last night?” when you spend the entire next morning sitting on the toilet reevaluating every decision you’ve ever made.
Man Boobs Hard Cider
ABV: 6.9%
IBU: 3
Calories? Bring ’em on. The ideal hard cider for guys who work out, refuse to drink beer, and are too afraid of being emasculated by drinking wine. From Crane Brewing in Seattle, Washington comes Man Boobs Hard Cider. The sugar content is enough to make it appear as though you did push-ups before hitting the bars to talk about CrossFit, but without actually doing any push-ups. Your chest will thank you later when you wake up in your bed without a headboard huddled up next to a little filly with Chinese scripture tattooed on her hip. “Man Boobs,” douchebag for “cider.”
Day-After-Thanksgiving Turkey Sandwich Stout
ABV: 5.0%
IBU: 40
Packed with enough body and calories to actually make you wonder, “Wait, did I actually eat six turkey sandwiches last night?” Brewed with cranberries, gravy, and actual turkey bones for flavor, The DATTSS allows to skip dinner while still maintaining your skinny-fat physique that’s covered by scarves, vests, thick flannel, and a vintage Barbour jacket you spent $500 on last autumn while in Maine. Please Note: Shake well before drinking; the gravy tends to separate.
This Tastes Like Pisslsner
ABV: 4.5%
IBU: 26
An absolute hit at the Chicago Brew Festival in 2016, this Pilsner has the yellow gleam and acidic smell of a good stream. Light and drinkable, it brings back the days of when you drank your first Keystone Light at Kappa Sig and thought to your 18-year-old self, “Wow, this truly tastes like fucking piss.” Served best on draft with a good amount of head, batches vary in both coloration and pungency. Best served in a long, slim flute.
Woolsock Birkstenstock Doppelbock
ABV: 12.8%
IBU: 26
Malty yet refreshing, the Woolsock Birkstenstock Doppelbock’s blonde coloration is truly an acquired taste. Most cower and cringe after their first sip but learn to love this particular brew after constantly having it shoved down their throats by Austin, Texas’s very own Wildfire Brewing Co. With hops flown in from fields in central Michigan, the beer itself has a unique aftertaste that even the most pretentious of palates takes getting used to. Served in 8-ounce mini bottles, this beer has no use for a standard koozie (not that it needs one anyway). .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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*checks the Texas weather forecast*
fuck, guess I’ll stick with Miller Lite.
ZOMBIE DUST
Three Floyd’s distribution makes it to Texas?
does the DATTSS come with the moist maker?
You asked for a moist maker?
…ew
I thought it was funny
Find a way to get Tree House.
Best beer in the world.
So glad they opened up the new brewhouse…
As if Crane Brewing in Seattle would ever stoop to making cider, Marty was a Ballantine man
“Jejune”
I thought these were real til I read the last one
Also guilty
I wanted to hate this so much. Damn it Will, you magnificent bastard.
Old Nation M-43 New England IPA
ABV 6.8% • IBU 65
trust me.
not sure why you’re being downvoted… never had this specific beer, but I’ve loved pretty much every hazy New England IPA I’ve ever had. Tree House, Trillium, etc.are incredible
Can confirm. I live in the town this is brewed. It’s taking off pretty quickly and you can get it at Lions games now.
I welcome fall as it marks the return of dark beers. A barrel aged stout is a real treat on a cold night.
This was beautiful, beautiful work. I would thumbs up twice if I had thumbs.
Excellent WSMFP reference.